First, it was so disheartening to type in “Reunion – Part 1,” it suggests that there will be a Part 2, and I can’t stand the thought of listening to Asa for another hour, bitching and moaning about women, Persian women, Women of color. Bitch, come on to my house and be a real woman for a day. Second, let’s look at the similarities between Reza’s pompadour and MJ‘s rolling boobs. Did you get a good look? Good. Now write in what you think they resemble, and in addition, who made theirs look that way first. Third, Asifa. Need I write more?
Okay! Jumping right in, Asa lectures MJ on how she threw shade at Asa instead of supporting her when she claimed to only weighs 170 lbs. Why anyone hangs around the lifeless corpse of Asa hoping she’ll laugh at something besides her own jokes is beyond me. Asa still can’t understand what a bachelor party is and why she wasn’t invited to Reza‘s bachelor party when everyone knows a) a true bachelor party is not both sides of the wedding party going to both pre-wedding events and b) she’s a real drip; a wet blanket; a damper on bonfire of life. In other words, who needs your mother standing around clicking her tongue in disapproval during every lap dance you get? But instead of accepting this gracefully, she keeps hammering the point that her and MJ should be best friends in the whole wide world, forever and ever and ever, just because they both have a vagina. Well, we think they do. I’m not gonna call it one way or another for Asa, since we’ve never seen her alleged boyfriend, or money tree, or whatever she’s got going on. At least she’s got Seacrest money now, so she doesn’t have to beg others for money any more, though she shouldn’t waste it on that cheap-ass costume jewelry she insists upon slathering on like so much bug repellent.
Then GG pretends she’s happy about Mike and Jessica, MJ pretends she’s not jealous of every single person who might come between Reza and her, and Asa pretends it’s all about MJ hating her personally. Frankly, if MJ is more welcoming to Shervin and other good-looking, fun men hanging around and not lecturing like a wannabe Betty Freidan, you’d think Asa could pick up on that vibe and let it go. Note to Asa: You’re a drag, baby.
Moving on to Reza, he explains why he dumped Adam. In a roundabout way, he says he doesn’t want to marry because he doesn’t want to be put out again and not getting any in the bedroom when he lavishes gifts on someone. They’re still living together, but now he doesn’t have to deal with alimony in case they break up. Smart move. And, he got to have the bachelor party of his dreams because MJ knows about penis, to which Asa has a spontaneously appearing look of disapproval, of course.
Then the tables turn on to Mike, and it comes up that Adam signed the pre-nup, which leads Andy to ask if Jessica signed a pre-nup. Mike says, “No. Whatever I have is hers.” This makes everyone snigger, especially Reza, who declares, “No offense, but what’s he gonna get a pre-nup for? What do you have? You have an old-ass Bentley, you’re talking about buying real estate. I just bought a house in Palm Springs and paid cash for it. You bought a 20-year-old Bentley from Chicago with a crusty red interior that’s all cracked up.” Hey, Reza — that’s no way to be talking about Jessica. Reza starts getting really hormonal about how he has real things to show off and Mike doesn’t. Mike, it appears, is “flossy.” Mike says he doesn’t “floss.” This is their slang for showing off. Meanwhile, during the tape change, Reza tells Mike he looks stupid sitting there with his shirt buttons being stressed to the max around his stomach. Mike tells him he’s going to kick Reza‘s ass. Unfortunately, Reza apologizes “for that outburst.” So, I guess he doesn’t mean what he says. Who knows anymore? What’s worse? Being flossy about materials things, or being flossy about fake hubris and maturity?
Andy indulges MJ‘s stupidity about her freakin’ dog. I tuned out and went to my happy place during this nonsense.
Onward to GG and her allegation that Mike wanted to F her in Turkey. GG asks Mike if he still doesn’t remember. He says he can’t remember anything that he saw on the show from that night. He blames it on pills and drinking. Reza accuses him of dragging GG into his room, but the tape clearly shows GG following Mike to his room. On her own volition. No dragging involved. So, I still don’t believe any of this story line. Reza, claims Mike said that he said he F’d up and that Jessica wouldn’t understand. Though even that’s stupid since it’s all on air, so how is Jessica not going to find out. GG threatens that Jessica started it and she’s gonna finish it. Just to prove it, she also claims Mike slept with GG‘s sister on the night of his engagement, and she has proof. Reza pretends to walk off the show, saying he’s having hot flashes or something.
Well, we’ll just have to suffer through Part 2 to get Jessica‘s response.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.