RECAP: Southern Charm “Dysfunction Junction” [Episode 11]

It’s hard to believe, but here we are at the season finale of “Southern Charm,” y’all! Even more surprising, as each episode aired, this show became more and more interesting. Will there be a third season? Time will tell, so in the meantime, let’s get to the fun. We begin with Craig who for once wasn’t the drunk guy at the after-party calling Cameran to drive that point in, however, Cameran is too hungover to pick up the phone because she was the drunk girl at the after-party.

Thomas, feeling blue, heads over to JD’s house after his third place loss in the Senate election. JD is worried because his friend Thomas is not the same Thomas he has always known. With glassy eyes (tears? alcohol?) Thomas reflects on a time before the campaign and before Kathryn when he was full of hopeful bliss. JD says, “Well, you were just getting out of prison.” True words, JD. True words. But Thomas is serious this time. He wants to get the chaos out of his life so he’s going to talk with Kathryn, insinuating that Kathryn is the chaos and Thomas had nothing to do with it. But Thomas did love Kathryn’s physicality and red hair. And that’s all he mentions about what he loved.

Landon is finally accomplishing something this season! She’s opening her pop up shop in a house she has rented. Shep comes over to help schlep the stuff Landon will sell with her sassy interior designer flare she inherited from her mother – a mother Landon still has not spoken with post divorce – until now. Landon has been dreading this visit all season long. And when Landon’s mom tells her, “You know how hard your divorce was on me?” I wanted to throw my remote at the television and scream, “It’s not about you.” But instead Landon says something to that effect and tells her mom she wasn’t properly prepared for the real world because life is not a beach club. Instead, Landon has learned that life is a biotch!

Over at Patricia’s house she is lounging poolside with New York movers and shakers Billy and Brian, fundraiser extraordinaires who have just returned from a dinner to support Hilary Clinton. OMG! Democrats?! Please whisper that word while you are in Charleston. The trio is discussing Patricia’s upcoming event for the Wounded Warrior Project on the USS Yorktown. And to class up the charity event, Whitney’s band, Renob, will be the night’s entertainment. So this is how Whitney gets paid gigs. 

Kathryn is meeting with Suzanne who runs the ‘Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits.’ She is trying to become the perfect homemaker and isn’t ready to give up yet on Thomas. Good thing Kathryn has learned what a parsnip is because that will come in handy in any marriage. Kathryn is also learning that cooking is the perfect time to think about her relationship. She tells her teacher/therapist/woman in need of a new hairstyle, that Thomas has made promises to her like a home, a car, and a chance at a relationship. Shut the front door! Is she saying that a politician hasn’t kept his promises? Say it ain’t so.

We join Cameran who is involved in the domestic pursuit of laundry when her friend Leva stops by with flowers and donuts. The flowers represent Cameran as a “new wife” and the donuts represent the “old roommate” life. During their talk about Jason “letting” Cameran adopt a wounded dog, she admits to Leva that this is an attempt to delay having a baby. Cameran compares pregnancy to “having an alien inside me.”

It’s time for the Wounded Warrior fundraising event on the ship and Shep and Craig are getting ready to be auctioned off for a date. Craig is decked out in severely bright red pants and Shep is dressed like he’s George Bush or something. At least he doesn’t look like a lollipop. Craig is up first. There is a bidding race and a country singer by the name of Kelsea Ballerini wins and pays $5,001 for the pleasure of Craig’s company. Shep is already jealous and worried and tells anyone in earshot that “she will be so underwhelmed.” Whereas a date with Shep would be like crème brulee to go. Shep needs to work on his analogies.

When it’s Shep’s turn to be auctioned off they start the bidding at $1,750. Unfortunately, not one hand is raised. Finally, feeling truly embarrassed for her friend, Cameran raises her hand and is hoping someone will outbid her. No one does and the married Cameran has won a date with her friend. But it’s for a really good cause, y’all, and she has a really understanding husband, y’all. Craig thinks this is hilarious and payback for Shep being so “douchey” to him. Shep has a hissy fit in Craig’s face and Craig stomps off.

Kathryn has arrived uninvited at the fundraiser wearing a full length fur coat to show Thomas what a mistake he’s made by dumping her via Facebook. And it works. When Thomas sees Kathryn his jaw drops. Whitney tries to break the chemistry that is overtaking Thomas’ willpower by informing Thomas of Kathryn and Craig’s night on the beach. Thomas doesn’t believe it and asks Kathryn if she wants to get out of there. Kathryn is unsure if Thomas is being “for real” and gives a bullet point lesson of the three L’s she will need to pursue their relationship: Love, Loyalty, and to be treated like a Lady. She forgot to add Thomas’ Loot.

Thomas is not sure what he wants and suggests they continue to work on their relationship while they live apart…unless they want to spend the night together, then Thomas will make an exception. Kathryn says, “It’s either all in or all out.” Thomas calls her bluff and says they should work toward being friends. Thomas gets up to leave, shrugging off Kathryn’s grip on his arm. She runs after him screaming, and it’s a good thing they don’t bury people at the beach because her shrill of a voice could wake the dead. “THOMAAAAAAS!”

What happens? We don’t know. Again I want to throw my remote at the TV. The show cuts to a “Two Weeks Later” shot of Craig packing his car to leave Charleston to go home and study for the bar. He is finally growing up. Sniff. Sniff.

Tune in next Monday for the reunion show. Hopefully we will have some answers.

 

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