We begin Teen Mom tonight, learning that Maci and Bentley have been in a bad car accident. They are both fine, but rolled Maci’s jeep several times. Maci, Taylor, and Kiki the producer take in the wrecked jeep, while Maci retells the scary tale. Maci is shaken, and has a lot to be thankful for. We sit in during a couple’s lunch, and Taylor and Maci expose themselves as extremely boring without little Bentley. Things perk up when we learn that Ryan was also in a wreck, and was not wearing seatbelt. His and her car wrecks…how can anyone NOT see that these two belong together? The two couples agree to meet up to discuss Bentley’s car safety, and bond over being reckless drivers. Ryan spills that Bentley isn’t always belted into a carseat in his vehicle, and his country bumpkin, ignorant blather is just infuriating. Maci and pal Ashley are getting slushy pedicures, and they discuss Ryan’s wreck, and the fact that he routinely risks Bentley’s safety. Maci is afraid of the worst case scenario, and is done dealing with the father of her child…at least she will be in about 13 years. It looks like Taylor pops the question next week.
We check in with Farrah, who is chatting with her current pretend love interest, and getting Sophia ready for an odd costumed photo shoot, where she is dressed like a peewee Marilyn Monroe. We learn of a family pepper sauce recipe, and the quandary that Farrah faces while deciding whether or not to hawk the sauce with her dear mother, Debra. She seeks advice from her neighbor, who nods and tries to act like she gives a crap.
At the pepper sauce convention, Farrah expresses horror at her face being on the label, believing that an “implementation of Sicily” would be a more business savvy idea. Farrah concludes that it’s bogus that Debra thinks her ideas are lame, and doesn’t want to get screwed over by her mom. Farrah is sick to death of charity work, and wants a contract, and some cash flow. Debra reminds her that it is a start-up company, and Farrah cuts her off, and insists on an effective AND good contract.
They both agree to be realistic, and Farrah believes that her “time involvement” is too much to ask. It’s Farrah’s icky dad’s birthday and the family celebrates by playing in a wind tunnel. We learn that boyfriend Simon is coming to meet Sophia, and that a super effective contract is in the works. Farrah blathers on, being argumentative, and she sounds like a fool, almost as stupid as her dad’s Harry Potter glasses.
We jump to Catelynn, who lets us know that she packed on 60 pounds while pregnant, and has lost 20 pounds in the last two months, since Nova’s birth. She is proud, but Tyler is unimpressed, and pushes her to cut the crap, and unload some lard. Catelynn makes DDDD breastfeeding excuses, but Tyler doesn’t buy it. Nova is pooping up a storm, and Catelynn’s dad is thrilled at his new granddaughter. Tyler shares that finishing his psychology degree will set them for life, and Catelynn just wants to be skinny for her wedding. Tyler passionately and loudly exclaims that a bride should feel her very hottest when she walks down the aisle, as his bride reaches over and snags an extra bite from his plate. They all counsel Cate to get motivated to squeeze into her wedding dress, and Tyler looks panicked.
Catelynn decides to bite the bullet and try on the dress and face the alteration nightmare. The dressing room scene is scary, and she is told to go down four sizes if she wants to ever get the dress past her big hips. She breaks the hefty news to Tyler, who responds with a terrified “WOW”. She decides that the perfect strategy would be to lift weights to help her arms to fit into her strapless dress. Tyler’s comments begin to bother Catelynn, and she discusses her dilemma with pal, Alexa. Alexa agrees that Catelynn’s breasts are gigantic, and that Tyler just doesn’t understand that his words make her lazier. Later, Tyler pushes her to call a gym, any gym, any gym at all, and Catelynn gets peeved. Tyler doesn’t know how to support his queen-sized baby mama, and Catelynn just doesn’t want to exercise. Hopefully, some “DON’T EAT” signs on the fridge will do the trick.
Good news! Amber is off parole and she and Matt are hitting Vegas to celebrate her official non-junkie status. They sit down for a drink, and notice that someone is staring at her giant eyelash mats. Amber gets super anxious in public, making Vegas the stupidest parole celebration getaway decision in history. Matt blames the cameras, but Amber calls foul and yells that non-cameraman anxiety is her true issue. Matt believes that her attitude changes for MTV, and goes on to dramatically gesture for her to “GROW UP”, as if she’s deaf. Amber snaps back, making this their first official trouble in paradise moment.
Off camera, Matt punches a hole in the hotel wall, and the crew rushes back to talk Amber off the ledge. Heather saves the day by opening her doe eyes a little wider than usual. The twosome tries to fix their relationship by visiting a psychic couple, with the guy counterpart dressed like an Oriental Trading Company salesman. The couple sees disconnection and connection in Matt and Amber’s future, and sagely predict that they will either decide to get married, or decide to stay apart. They advise them to choose their own path, as amazingly predicted by a green dragon, #10 card. Amber and Matt then share some snuggle time, where they share their mutual fear of the rest of their lives. They decide that they definitely want to get married, and they will just let the hotel bill MTV for that silly hole in the wall.
Join us next week, where the post-teen, weight-loss drama continues!