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Real Housewives of New York Recap: “Mind Your Own Business” [Episode 5]

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I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.

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Everywhere in Manhattan you can find ladies who lunch, but Bethenny and Sonja have a specific sort of style when they lunch on the “Real Housewives of New York.” They are there to discuss Sonja’s international brand that Bethenny has re-branded as “accessible luxury.” She recommends that Sonja simplify. Sonja doesn’t agree, she wants the fashion, the jewelry, the perfume. Problem is, Sonja is still on the hook for a $7 million judgment and needs to get something, anything going soon.

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But the subject switches to Bethenny’s advice that Sonja not date anyone since she is in a “fragile state” unless they are totally fun and someone Sonja can just have sex with. Sonja totally agrees because sometimes a girl just wants to get pounded. Bethenny also agrees and throws in sometimes a girl just wants to get shitfaced. Of course, sometimes a girl just wants both and wakes up in the morning with a boytoy. Sonja gives new meaning to the word swallow – and we aren’t talking about the food. Just bring your black cards, gentlemen!

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Over on Madison Avenue, Dorinda and Luann are getting their pedicures on. They discuss Dorinda’s boyfriend John at the boutique, again. Hard to believe, but when he and Dorinda first met, John was quite the ladies’ man. Dorinda told him to rip up his little black book or she would. Dorinda said, “When vaginas are involved with men there can always be slip ups and I don’t like slip ups.” Dorinda thinks this makes her territorial; Luann thinks this makes her insecure. The world is a scarier place to Dorinda after her husband Richard died. They also discuss Bethenny’s intenseness, Heather’s mutually strong presence, and that everyone can’t be invited to everything.

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Carole and Kristen meet for appetizers and drinks and because Carole is dying to kiss and tell about her boytoy, Adam. She says they are practically living together. Kristen says, “Shut up!” But Carole won’t. She tells Kristen that she still hasn’t told Luann about the conscious coupling. Carole explains that Luann invited her to dinner the other night, prepared by her personal chef, but Carole declined. Too awkward. She plans on telling Luann eventually. In the meantime, Carole told Kristen to order that third drink so she can take advantage of her. That Carole sure does get around.

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Sonja invites Ramona over to the townhome to discuss her birthday party. This will be Ramona’s first birthday without Mario. A trip to Atlantic City is in the works so they can dance and gamble the night away. When Ramona mentions inviting the other girls, Sonja cautions her that some of them have been knocking her, so choose selectively. They call Carole and Dorinda who are both in.

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Back with Dorinda at her place, she and Hannah discuss books, something rarely witnessed on RHONY unless written by one of the housewives. Dorinda talks about the cocktail party she is throwing. Bethenny can’t attend and her short text message disappoints Dorinda because she sent a nice long text. Dorinda concludes that Bethenny is like a onion – she has layers – and let’s not forget she simply doesn’t work with everyone’s digestive system. Dorinda is concerned with Ramona and John; Ramona has not taken to John yet. (Nor has the rest of America). Hannah gets this. She advises her mom not to control people, even if John is totally annoying and inappropriate.

There is a small blip about Kristen and her new fashion blog. Is she making enough money to pay the bills? No, but she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like her. Especially when she gets undressed on the sidewalk on a busy street multiple times to change outfits. Then they really, really like her.

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Sonja has invited Bethenny to her fashion presentation. Sonja has a huge team, some who need subtitles. The plan is to launch by Summer 2015 and Bethenny feels this timeline is too aggressive. She asks what retailers have placed orders. This is top secret information. They are in talks and cannot talk about the talks. And by the way, Bethenny, what do you know about the apparel business? I was waiting for Bethenny to pounce on this “intern” of Sonja’s and was disappointed when it didn’t happen. Sonja’s people have top sales people and connections with other people. Bethenny is just worried that this might be like the toaster that never was. Don’t worry, Sonja has a sexy novel and a fashion award. What could possibly go wrong?

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Dorinda is setting up for the cocktail party, looking very nice in her rose-gold dress and John looks somewhat okay in his purple shirt and jacket. Ramona arrives feeling underdressed because she thought it was a different kind of cocktail party? Kristen and Josh arrive (and don’t fight) Heather and Jonathan arrive (and don’t talk), and Sonja and her boytoy arrive. Luann is surprised that Sonja’s one-night stand has turned into a three-night stand.

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Heather brings up the fashion presentation to Sonja and says that Bethenny was confused as to why Sonja didn’t invite her. Luann also wonders why she wasn’t invited. Sonja starts getting loud and proclaims they are not supportive and they are making it about themselves, when clearly it’s about Sonja. Ramona, Kristen, and Dorinda move to a different table because they can’t take Sonja’s squeaky voice, comparing her to a cornered animal. Heather gives Sonja one sentence: I would love to see all the things your are doing. Sonja basically tells Heather she can come by the office a week from never.

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Carole arrives having missed all the fun with Sonja, so starts some fun with Luann. They sit down together in a both and it turns out, Luann already knows about Carole and Adam. Adam called his ex-girlfriend earlier that day and told her and she called her Aunt Luann to tell her. This is a problem for Luann who didn’t realize that Carole and Adam had moved from A to F in the alphabet. Here’s the caveat, Adam will be leaving soon for Nicaragua with the ex-girlfriend. Not to worry, before long they’ll be at Z.

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Here are some of the chaotic goings-on at the cocktail party: Heather reminisces to Kristen about what a bitch Bethenny is. Sonja’s date is hanging outside with her intern. Ramona is complaining that Sonja is ignoring her. Sonja is complaining about Heather. Everyone thinks Ramona got her boobs done. Dorinda helps broker peace between Sonja and Ramona. The other girls think Sonja is whack. Kristen recommends to Ramona that she date a boytoy. Ramona says no way, she’s much deeper than that. How deep? About a handful!

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By the end of the party, John has his hands all over Sonja and she doesn’t seem to mind. Next his hands are all over Kristen who just laughs and laughs. John is such a fun guy…for a guy who makes indecent advances to women who aren’t his girlfriend and are with other men. Dorinda is ready to go and doesn’t want to kiss John. And who could blame her!

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Tune in next week when the ladies party in Atlantic City to see if they gamble away their loyalty, integrity, and responsibility.

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