Real Housewives of New York Recap: Bethenny Versus Heather! [Episode 4]

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It’s a beautiful autumn day on “The Real Housewives of New York” and Heather and Carole are meeting for coffee and girl-talk in the park. Does it bother anyone besides me how Heather calls everyone, “Mama?” The friends sit on a bench and Carole informs Heather that she is officially dating Luann’s private chef, Adam. Carole and Adam will forever have a wonderful first-date story to share with the world (said extreme sarcasm).

They attend a Halloween party at Carole’s friend’s club. Carole drank two tequilas and ate one gummy bear. Turns out that gummy bear was laced with LSD. Girl was trippin’ hard. Ghosts and goblins were moving in slow motion so Carole had to get out and get some air. Adam hails a peticab, but the motion is not working for Carole. She pukes everywhere. On herself. On Adam. On the peticab. But here’s the great news according to Carole, men, especially young men, don’t mind when a woman throws up because it “makes her seem vulnerable.” Here’s the thing, there were no cameras, no production crew, so why would Carole admit to any of this? To come off as the edgy girl who prefers all play and no work? #Epicfail


Over at Bethenny’s hotel she’s getting ready for the birthday dinner party that she’s throwing for herself. Every girl should look great on her birthday and Bethenny is rocking the black and silver jumper. Sonja arrives first with boytoy Dominik she picked up at the boutique club. Ramona arrives and gives Bethenny the biggest hug, clinging to her, telling her she looks like a Roman goddess. When Luann arrives she is not surprised to see the other boytoy from the boutique club because she and Sonja are men magnates. Soon it’s invasion of the boytoys when Sonja’s boytoy invites a boytoy of his own. Bethenny is not happy that the plus 1 has invited a plus 1, but gives a great speech explaining that normally birthdays are challenging for her, but this one is great, “So take your clothes off!” No word if Carole handed out a gummy bear to boytoy #3 for not knowing of Jordache jeans, if she’s even pronouncing it correctly.


We visit Kristen at her home. Good thing, because I totally forgot she was still on this show. Her big scene is having her nanny cook dinner that she can reheat later for Josh and pretend she made it. Kristen calls Heather and Heather tells of the last minute invite to Bethenny’s birthday party. When Kristen learns that Ramona was invited and she wasn’t, she looks like she’s going to cry, but instead Kristen says she’s grateful for a night of doing nothing. Thankfully, her nanny slash cook also triples as a therapist. After Kristen gives the details of the situation, she asks how this would make her nanny feel. The nanny gives Kristen the pearls of wisdom, “Who cares.”


Over at Dorinda’s place, she and her daughter Hannah are chatting about future nursing homes for Dorinda. Perhaps a place on the beach. Dorinda tells Hannah that she will have a young boyfriend. Hannah laughs and calls her mom a “chubby-chaser” and explains that Dorinda has no interest in a hot, fit guy. Dorinda agrees. For now, keeping her two lives separate works for Dorinda, and that means John doesn’t get to sleep over much.


There next two scenes are short, one with Ramona and her dog Cocoa heading downtown. Now that Ramona doesn’t have to constantly monitor Mario’s whereabouts, she has all kinds of free time on her hands. So Ramona is now getting into the restaurant business with a place called AOA. She and her partner, Peter, flirt and I’m hoping Mario is watching and it bothers him.


The next scene is with Carole and her barf buddy, Adam, who are going on a ping pong date. Carole likes Adam because he’s fun, nice, and brings no drama…except for the fact that he used to date Luann’s niece. But other than that, and the fact that he’s 29, no drama at all.


Dorinda and John are going out for a nice dinner. Or so they think. John tells Dorinda he likes how she sparkles. They order martinis and Dorinda asks John if he’d like to come back to her place after dinner because Hannah won’t be home. John is happy. He tries to order his first choice meal for himself and his second choice meal for Dorinda so he can eat what she doesn’t. He certainly puts the chub in the chase, but Dorinda wants to order for herself this time. The conversation takes a downward twist when Hannah’s name is mentioned. John tells Dorinda not to let Hannah dictate her life. She tells John that he’s number two, so deal with it. As John is finishing both meals, he suggests that Dorinda call Hannah while she waits. Them are fighting words because Dorinda cuts him like the filet of sole John is inhaling. Dorinda won’t hold his hand and announces that Richard would never have said something like that. The sleep over is cancelled.


The interstitial was barely worth mentioning, but here goes. At Bethenny’s dinner party, Bethenny made everyone get on the table and show your best move. And if you wouldn’t get on the table, you had to at least get on a chair. Luann will only dance on the chair and Sonja nearly falls off the table. Good times.


Dorinda arrives first for dinner with Bethenny, Carole, and Heather. Bethenny and Dorinda bond over an upcoming sample sale. Dorinda and Carole bond over the word “late” when referring to their husbands. Bethenny thinks the word sounds old and needs to be re-branded. Dead husband? No. Deceased husband? No. How about perpetually postponed husband? Consider it rebranded. The conversation of burial versus cremation comes up and Carole shares a story that the church in England where her husband’s ashes are stored have contacted her because the church has been sold, time-share condos are going up, and please come get your urn. After bouncing from church to church, her husband’s ashes are now safe with a friend of Carole’s in England.


Dorinda shares an awkward story about her daughter Hannah telling her FU about her boyfriend, John. Have you noticed when Dorinda becomes passionate in conversation, we get closed captioning on her? Heather wisely changes the subject to the unwise topic of Kristen’s hurt feelings over not being invited to “Beth’s” birthday bash. Bethenny pretends to fall asleep and tells Heather to wake her up when she’s not being ridiculous.


Dorinda confirms that her feelings were hurt, but only for a moment. Bethenny explains that the other girls invites were spontaneous, and Heather was kind of Carole’s plus one, so get over it. Maybe if Sonja’s plus one hadn’t brought his plus one, Kristen could have been the plus, plus one, at the party. But if Heather is not careful, Bethenny’s going to demote her to a plus two? I think. It got a little confusing here. Heather then schools Bethenny on how to properly respond to others with sensitivity because she’s the sensitivity police, and by the way, who put Heather in charge of Bethenny’s guest list? Bethenny doesn’t even know Kristen. So, get over it, Heather. Please.


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