Shahs of Sunset Recap: “Can’t Fake the Funk” [Episode 9]

Well, after suffering through Reza telling Adam what’s up with Mike in order to set up the episode’s main theme, we’re dragged to a boudoir photo shoot for the ever ballooning MJ. She’s pulls some bs outta her butt telling herself, and us “…Get older, get wiser, embrace yourself…” How ’bout this one: You’re too damn fat for a nudie pic.

GG‘s at an Indian clothing shop — the kind of clothes we all buy at the flea market. (C’mon! I know you do!) She’s meeting Asifa so they can find outfits for her Bollywood themed-birthday party. The real point is that Asifa gets to say she doesn’t believe GG either, and she needs to take her lie detector test again.

Asa, is making food again. I guess her claim of 170 pounds means she’s emaciated and needs to eat more. Her “girl army” is coming over and her idea is to steal the “stealthy freedom movement coming out of Iran” so her next self-promotion move is to dress herself and her friends in chadors, which are burkas without the face covered. She claims that “ancient Persia was the birthplace of human rights like thousands of years ago,” which means that owning slaves was a human right thousands of years ago. Did Asa even graduate high school here? So, like a retarded Rosa Parks, Asa and her tribe of multi-ethnic gals — and a token guy — get on the bus.

Asa‘s decides to lecture the gals on how in the West, they think the veil is the “symbol of oppression, but in the East, we think it’s the symbol of modesty. I feel like in the West, modesty isn’t even valued anymore.” Uh. Yeah. Okay. Whatever you say, Asa. Keep wearing that crap gold-plated jewelry and too-tight clothes that scream immodesty and tell the rest of us whaddup. Oh, and while you’re at it, tell your friend MJ to keep her tits covered. In a minute, Asa reveals her real intent — go viral on social media. What a moron. Thankfully, the twitter sphere, et al, ignored her ass, and this is the first we’re hearing of her stunt. But, the tourists got some fun pix to for their photo albums that they’ll never look at again.

GG hires a real polygraph guy this time — one who actually owns a computer with real software. She takes the test again. He tells her she passed. Oh thank goodness. We were all so worried that Mike hadn’t made a pass at a drunken GG who let him feel up her ass at the night club earlier in the evening.

On to the main course: Mike and Jessica and the “Your-Friends-Suck” prenuptial dinner party.  Mike starts with a Grey Goose and soda. Jessica starts with telling him his forgive and forget attitude “has to stop.” Asa shows up first claiming, “I’m starving!” Just like with the oppression thing, Asa is having a problem with the starving thing. For instance, the estimated 3,500,000 children who die from hunger each year are starving. Asa, on the other hand, is just a hungry, hungry hippo.

MJ shows up. I’m obsessed with her edges. I think she doesn’t have ’em. I think she’s wearing a wig. MJ starts in by saying she can’t believe she had to hear about the engagement from social media, and Asa agrees, so Jessica goes right to “The real reason we didn’t tell anyone is because you guys don’t give a f–k about us.” Well, that set the tone. And Reza hasn’t even arrived yet. He walks in just as Jessica and Asa are arguing over why no one stopped GG from shouting that Mike tried to F her in front of everyone. MJ lets it be known that GG passed her lie detector test. Reza jumps in that they all believe GG. Asa jumps in that Jessica hasn’t ever liked any of them. Reza tries to explain how everything Jessica has done for Mike is “beautiful,” but then he has goes and adds that the “unity” that they are creating is “detrimental to his relationship with us.” Yes. “Detrimental.” Bet he wishes he could take that one back. Anyway, besides that mispronunciation, Reza goes on to let Jessica know that Mike told him that Jessica said that he, Reza, is evil. Jessica says that “if he [Mike] said it, he’s lying.”

Cut to Mike in his interview throne with the oh-so-fake gold leaf just huffin’ and puffin’. Even his fiancée calls him a liar. Poor boy can’t cut a break on either side. Cut back to the dinner table, and Reza declares he has no obligation to give Mike a job, and tells Jessica, “I’ve done nothing to him! You can’t blame everything that goes on in your world on other people! That’s not right!” Mike says they need to work it out, but everyone starts excusing themselves because as Reza puts it, “I’m drained,” and I know how he feels. We all know Mike should dump Jessica and get a subservient Persian girl if he wants to hang with his friends and not answer to anyone. Problem solved. Proof that this is 100% correct? As they’re leaving with MJ, he says in Farsi so that Jessica can’t understand it that MJ‘s butt looks great.

Out on the sidewalk, Asa can’t stop and she “can’t fake the funk,” which is a phrase that Jessica likes to use for “pretend” — something the rest of us are forced to do on a daily basis in our lives unless we want to fight with whom we disagree. Asa gets in the last word by shouting down the street, “Your f–king sense of entitlement is embarrassing, dude!” Kettle meet pot.

Next week, kiddies!

 

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