It’s the day of Kendall’s video shoot as “Dance Moms” begins. A military theme is in play, and as we kick off the shoot, we hear Abby bleat to Jill, complaining about Holly taking Nia away as a backup dancer, to follow her own road to teeny bopper fame. Jill looks around and savors the moment, basking in the warmth of 100% of Abby’s attention. The costumes are military skimp, and some of the moves are risqué, but what else is new? Abby is thrilled, especially because she got to the golden opportunity to scream at someone like a professional drill sergeant.
Back in the studio, the pyramid is revealed, with JoJo on the bottom, and the super fabulous, Grammy bound Maddie on the top. Solos are doled out to Kendall and JoJo. The group routine is called ‘Platinum,’ in honor of Kendall’s sure to be platinum single. This week’s judges are children, raising the bar of stupid nonsense, on this show. Jill remarks that she is Abby’s new bff, and she is giddy with excitement.
We hear about Nia’s upcoming video shoot, and Jill is annoyed by the name dropping that is spilling out of Holly. All of the Hollywood big timers are coming together to make underdog Nia, a smash hit. Nia approaches Abby, and asks her to come to the shoot, and Abby answers nah, because Nia is a dirty traitor sellout. Nia begs to differ, but Abby assures her that simply everyone agrees with her. Holly gets mad for the first time this episode, successfully making it to the 10 minute mark this week. Nia laughs off her mother’s dramatic hysterics, schooling her mother to chill the heck out.
Kendall K’s solo rehearsal begins, a number called ‘This Is Major,’ but it doesn’t kick off well, and Kendall is labeled as pathetically minor. It’s Nia’s shoot day, and our little defector gets a fierce hairdo and her name in lights. Holly labels the mind blowing experience as invaluable. Aubrey O’Day comments that she can’t stand Abby, and can’t wait to check her with her new mini superstar. Melissa scampers to Abby to show her the photos that Holly posted of the dolled up Nia, Abby shakes her head at the lame defector that Nia has become, and resigns as her pretend TV manager.
We watch hair stylists and costumers buzz around Nia, who has morphed into a 19-year old floozy. Holly is nervous that her precious floozy may be a flop, and that she may have given up being a loving pain in the neck to Abby. The shoot begins, and it’s disturbing. Nia jumps around like a cheap beckoning teen, while the producer screams his passionate belief in her. Holly is thrilled at her little girl’s trashy transformation, and so tearfully joyful that Nia is having such a grand time.
JoJo’s solo rehearsal, entitled ‘Straighten Up’ begins, and she works hard to get her strait jacket wearing, crazy inpatient moves perfect. Abby believes that the binding garment will help her to focus on her technique, and asserts that dancing armless is crucially important. Melissa comments that Nia’s video news is making Abby, crabby. The moms count the new Nia pics, and read a snarky comment from Aubrey, dissing Abby’s video prowess. Jill rightly comments that Holly has brought the video showdown to a battle level. The crew gathers at Abby’s new studio space, as Holly brags at warped speed, and then flips when all of the moms don’t jump up and down at Nia’s new video queen persona.
Abby criticizes the trashy costumes…because she is certainly an authority on nakedness. Holly storms off to sob in her car, and comes to the realization that because these mothers refuse to bask in Nia’s glory, they are no longer her friends.
It’s competition day, and as the girls begin to get ready, everyone is wondering where Abby is. Aubrey calls to give Holly a perky, mood boosting chat, and Holly tattles on the moms for being jealous of her braggadocios, social media posting skills. Aubrey happily strokes, pats and affirms Holly’s starving ego, until she practically purrs. Abby arrives and pep talks them to be poised to be fabulous for a bunch of hard-core underage judges. JoJo takes the stage, and is fabulous, although the judges look frightened at her convincing performance.
Kendall performs, and falls flat. Is plain old Kendall actually ready to BE Kendall K? I am on the edge of my seat… she later falls apart backstage, and mercifully acts like a typical kid, and not a tacky, desperate, pop star. The group hits the stage, and it’s more interesting than usual, so I give it a thumbs up. The judges giggle at each other, that they are actually judging the flailing Sia dancer on this silly show.
Abby dramatically states that the very fate of the ALDC lies in the hands of these inept adolescents. Kendall lands fifth place, and Jill is petrified that the blissful favoritism may be coming to a screeching halt. JoJo doesn’t place, probably because the kids had their eyes clamped shut. The group wins first. JoJo is upset that she disappointed her teachers, and the group assures her that she was great, just too scary for youngsters. Abby agrees, and assures Kendall that she retains her teacher’s pet status, but she had better be ready for the job. Jill breathes a huge sigh of relief.
Cackling Cathy is back next week, as the team heads home to Pittsburgh…see you back east!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.