#SouthernCharm Recap: “Shep-istotle” [Episode 5]

We begin this week’s episode of “Southern Charm” at Patricia Altschul’s house of two butlers. She is working on a scrapbook of her son, Whitney, hoping that soon she will be pasting pictures in a wedding album instead of the tabloid-filled album she is currently creating. Patricia is hopeful, though, because the relationship between Whitney and Larissa has lasted longer than any other he’s been in. Patricia can already picture the Valentino couture dress she will upstage the bride in.

Whitney strolls in and summarizes last night’s fundraiser to his mother. Meeting the crazy Sandy Duncan from hell, aka Amy, the fundraising manager for Thomas Ravenel. Here’s the real reason Whitney doesn’t like Amy – because Thomas listens to her. Whitney also tells his mommy that Kathryn was in full “bunny boiling” mode.

Cameran is at work when she receives a call from Thomas. Even though Cameran was supposed to be his Realtor for the downtown home Kathryn has been demanding, it seems another friend has found Thomas a home. Thanks for nothing.

Over at the Plantation, Thomas and Kathryn are walking on southern-fried eggshells, avoiding the topic of Whitney and last night’s fundraiser. In the confessional, Thomas wonders how he can bring Kathryn to any future events if that’s how she’s going to handle herself. Kathryn says she loves Thomas and will do anything to get his money make it work.

Shep is out on the town drinking shots with anyone. Craig meets up with him and more shots are consumed. Unfortunately, Craig runs out of drinking money and needs Shep to buy him a drink. Shep says that Craig thinks he’s a Rockefeller but he’s really a Flintstone. The question is: Bam-Bam or Fred? Vote now.

Back at the Plantation, Thomas is getting ready for a Carolina BBQ fundraiser to address his humility, or lack thereof. He’s placed an open call for his constituents to attend. And some do. Thomas is shaking hands and kissing asses with anyone who arrives. Cameran calls them “Thomas’ superfans.” And when she goes upstairs to see Kathryn, Cameran tells her that her skirt is cute. What Cameran doesn’t say to Kathryn is that she shouldn’t wear a see-thru white tee with an orange bra when your husband is running for Congress.

Thomas gives a speech about the day of reckoning; a doomsday approaching. He says it will take an outsider that can’t be bought and paid for. This from the guy with the affinity for cocaine. Thomas thanks everyone in attendance, but his baby-mama, Kathryn. She is visibly disappointed. And rightly so! She made the macaroni and cheese. Way to drop the ball, Thomas.

Kathryn tells Thomas that she wants all of the strangers out of the house by 7:00 pm. Thomas doesn’t seem to care if they stay or go, but crazy Amy assures Kathryn she’ll start pushing people out. Kathryn confides in Amy that she feels left out and useless. Amy tells Kathryn they will define her roll, but right now Thomas has to work the crowd. Amy then tells Thomas that Kathryn was just being the typical little woman, feeling insecure in her husband’s campaign. They walk away leaving Kathryn sitting on the porch alone with the strangers. If only Whitney had been there. That would have livened things up.

The fashion show is today! Yay, the politics are on break. It’s being held at the iconic, pink Palmer House B&B. Landon arrives so that she may assist Cooper on his “little runway show.” After all, this isn’t Paris or New York, according to Landon. It’s just Charleston. But she’s willing to start anywhere, even if it’s this little show since it gets her off that little boat she’s living on.

Shep arrives to pick up Craig for the fashion show. He goes into Craig’s room and discovers a hurricane has hit. Boxes, clothes, shoes are tossed everywhere, you can’t even see the floor. This pigsty is very symbolic of his life. Craig tells Shep he still wants to be a lawyer and has another month before he needs to start studying to pass the bar, and until then, he is free to pass-out in the bar.

Shep explains to Craig that he and Cameran are concerned about his hard core partying. Craig admits that he stays up for three days then sleeps for twenty hours, but he is offended that his “babysitter” Shep giving him advice. So Shep gives more advice. He recommends that Craig become a model instead of a lawyer. Craig gets another drink because adding alcohol to dysfunction always makes things better.

Kathryn is excited they are packing to move to downtown Charleston. She and Thomas have moved nine times since she became pregnant. Let’s do the math. That means that Kathryn moved once a month. Were they staying in hotels? With family? Who knows with this girl. Kathryn is also excited to be away from the deafening quiet that is associated with country living. Oh, the horror. Thomas is excited to be buying a house so he doesn’t have to buy a ring.

Everyone is getting ready for the fashion show, but Patricia does it best with a “dressing martini.” Whitney arrives and his mother does not approve of his porn sunglasses. He suggests they skip the after-party at the night club and go someplace respectable for dinner. The thought of spending the evening in the presence of Kathryn will be as much fun as “sticking needles into my scrotum,” Whitney says. So glad he’s able to distinguish between what’s respectable and what’s not.

It must be hot in the Palmer House because everyone is fanning themselves. There is no runway, just an aisle with chairs on either said. The women scream at the men in the fashion show like they’re at Chippendale’s, Cameron being the loudest. The collection is heavy in red jackets, perfect for the ringmasters in the three-ring circus of life. All jokes aside, Craig is a very striking model and should seriously consider Shep’s recommendation.

Afterwards the gang goes to a club, sans Whitney and his mom, where they drink and dance. Although Shep said Craig didn’t need an intervention, he is going around telling people they should be worried about their champagne tasting, beer budgeting, friend, Craig. Craig overhears Shep and Thomas talking about him. They both tell Craig that if he’s going to be a lawyer he needs to be more careful. Careful of what? Flunking the bar? Maybe his goal should be the bar-tender’s test. I hear that can be quite challenging. In the meantime, the last person Craig will be taking advice from is Thomas Ravenel.

Tune in next week when everyone gets drunk again!

 

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