Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: “Chef’s Dinner” [Episode 5]

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What’s that scent in the air? Those of you who have been missing the acrid aroma of Pettifleur are in for a real treat! We begin this episode with her shopping with her son, Nathan. He is in the market for a sharp suit. “He has a great body, doesn’t he?” she winks at the suit salesman. Special order for a first rate Oedipus syndrome inseam, anyone? Nathan, her first born, has excellent taste, according to P-Fleur, since he got it straight from mummy. She makes the suit salesman even more squeamish by describing her son’s anatomy in ever more lurid detail. “I tell him, you’ve got the cutest little bum, why not show it off!” she purrs as she paws at his posterior. In a flash of entitled inspiration, she divines that the couture cherry on her son’s sartorial sundae would be the shop assistant’s tie. Despite being surrounded a cornucopia of spanking new ties for sale, Petts wants to pluck the very tie from around the sales assistant’s neck.“It was a no-brainer — you’re here to serve me, I can have your tie.” Yep, “no brains” sounds about right. I’m sensing a pattern of retail worker abuse – Flash back to the costume store, where she mercilessly pecked at the poor shop girl as she selected her street-walker-inspired murder mystery dinner ensemble.

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Next, Gina strolls onto our screens. She’s bringing Gamble as her plus one to a Fashion Aid event where she’ll be auctioning off one of her trademark glitter-doused cocktail frocks. “I love being Gina’s date…it’s the lesbian in me. I adore Gina!” Gamble gushes, but she goes on to wonder how her new Aussie idol feels about her. “Gamble is a great support, but I think she’s a bit of a fan,” Queen Gina magnanimously proclaims. Gina strides onstage to auction off her dress for the greater good, and graces the crowd with this humble reflection: “I have been described as looking fierce in that dress, so I hope whoever acquires it will have the opportunity to look fierce as well!” Despite Gamble’s repeated efforts at raising her paddle, a dentist and his dapper partner win the $4,000 bid. Gina wryly wonders, “I’m not sure what they’re going to do with the dress. I could perish a few thoughts.” Gamble bends Gina ear yet again about the Janet-instigated rumor mill and they bond over their disdain for Chyka’s fence sitting.

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Elsewhere in Melbourne, it’s cougar night!!! Janet is game for a rapid-fire round of speed dating. Jackie is en tow as moral support. Perhaps her psychic chops will come in handy with the culling of the herd process. This safari park happens to be stocked with some cubs, and Janet wastes no time sharpening her claws. “A younger man appeals to me because: why would I want to spend my time pushing around someone in a wheelchair?” Does Janet’s sound rationale. Jackie gets Janet riled up by reminding her that she’s a “motherf**king whipping horse – you’ve got to whip it up!” Sitting down with first victim…ahem, suitor, Janet inquires, “If aliens came down to earth and asked you to go back to their planet, would you go with them?” “Definitely,” geek chic Bachelor numero uno responds. Judging by the look on his face, he’d love to be beamed up right now. Bachelor #2, sporting barely there chin scruff, wastes no time in letting Janet know that he aspires to be a “kept man.”

He proudly proclaims that he is a “Life, sex and relationship coach.” Jackie’s assessment is that he is “full of sh*t,” and only here to “shine it on and shine it off!” But perhaps he isn’t truly in the market for a quickie. He claims that he teaches his female clients have “15-minute orgasms.” That’s enough to get Janet’s nostrils twitching. But she dismisses his money grubbing approach. Why buy the bull, when you can milk yourself for free? Janet asks Bachelor #3 what makes him cry. This tall, dark and handsome bloke replies that he has a soft spot for cases of animal abuse. Janet concurs, “Yes! That’s what it’s all about! Cruelty to animals!” A few micro-dates later, Janet confers with Jackie about her potential matches. Normally men fall into two categories, “nurse or purse.” Since Janet is searching for the May to her December, she may want to loosen those purse strings of hers.


The following day, Jackie, Chyka and Pettifleur get together for a lunch date. Jackie spills the tea to Pettifleur – milking the stripper/hooker/sex party Gamble gossip. Guess Petts is the last to know? “OK, that’s very interesting,” she says, “but what has Gamble been saying about me?” After an awkward lull, Chyka finally responds, “I don’t think she’s said anything about you.”

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In the next scene, Jackie and Ben meet with a model agency in a quest to find the face of La Mascara. Thought Jackie was shine shine shining in that role! Jackie gets sidetracked from the task at hand and spontaneously offers up psychic readings based on the ‘vibe’ she senses from the headshots of the models. “I can feel their sadness, their passion, I can feel what they’re going through,” she intones. “She’s got to stop bitching!” she admonishes one of the pics. “That one plays guitar!” she declares, “I’m gonna ask her when I her.” As she glances at a portrait of a particularly prepubescent specimen, Jackie makes an unlikely assessment, “She’s got five children!”

As promised, Chyka and her husband Bruce are hosting a shindig for the housewives and their partners. Gina brings a bit of eye candy since her mystery man is in the States. Reminds me of the old – ‘I have a girlfriend but she lives in Canada, so you can never meet her,’ routine. The hosts with the most have pulled out all the molecular gastronomy stops – including test tubes full of something that looks like split pea soup.Yum? Lydia regales the table with tales of her son’s lavish wedding in Florence. With tears welling up, she exclaims how happy she is to see him all grown up, since she had her doubts that, “deep down, you never truly believe you’re a great mother, you know?” “I do!” Gina firmly declares. “I believe I’m a great mother.” Score one for empathy.


In another tender moment, Lydia shares that at the age of 21, she lost her newborn baby. “What are you laughing for?” Jackie attacks an undeserving Gamble at the table. To her credit, Gamble doesn’t take the bait. Everyone seems sympathetic – even Gamble, who offers several heartfelt words of support during her interview. The calm before the passive aggressive storm is all too brief – Gamble starts feeling the effects of the wine pairings. She calls Lydia “S&M barbie,” dubs Pettifleur “nouveau riche Barbie,” (which is pretty rich coming from such a natural beauty with fried follicles) and casts jealous barbs in Janet’s direction. Not content with adding a primo course of cringe to the menu, she tipsily saunters over to Janet to pulverize a dead horse. “You called me a stripper and a prostitute! None of those things are true!” Even Wolfie tells her to take a chill pill.


Sensing she is without allies, Gamble demands that her fiancé take her home. Chyka and her hubby graciously encourage her to stay. Grateful for the kindness, Gamble drawls in response, “Maybe I’m just a bit tired and drunk…I think you and Bruce are absolutely bee-yu-tiful.” Hope she gulped down a giant glass of water before bed!

The next day, Janet and Pettifleur meet for a cup of coffee and a scoop of Gamble-grumbling followed by some sweet Gina-bashing for dessert. “Gamble has no filters!” Pettifleur says. Janet, in her infinite hipness, quotes Kanye West to describe Gamble, “I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t hanging with no broke dudes either.”

We end this installment on a fluffy note, with Chyka and Gamble meeting for a doggie date. The humping is adorable – and the dogs are pretty cute too. No jokes about switching the bitches, please!!!

Previews of next week hint at more histrionics – with a few of the ladies getting more physical than a hit Kylie Minogue song. Will Gamble ever get over it? Will Janet find a man or settle for a pool boy? Will this group of women get along? Your thoughts?

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