Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Recap: Part 1 [Season 5]

Posted on Apr 1 2015 - 1:40am by BeachSpin

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The wait is over! It’s reunion time for “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and the first thing I always check out is what hideous styling choices are in this season. I am a bit disappointed, because shockingly for the FIRST time in Bravo reunion history, the women didn’t look like middle aged tossed aside prom dates, or Red Light District wannabes. The cast is dressed classy and pretty understated, especially Brandi, who looks like she has ditched her prom dress for strapless spanx this year. The two biggest shockers are Kyle actually pulling off good taste, (although her face seems to be undergoing a sculptor’s transformation, and she desperately needs a trim) and Brandi finally ditching those ratty extensions.

RHOBH Reunion

So here we gooo! Andy eases into things by lobbing a few softball viewer questions, and we relive the funniest moment of the season, when Vince was caught peek-a-booing through his garage window during the drunken driveway screech-fest. Brandi smirks at the nonsensical notion that she could possibly remember anything from that night. We hop from funny to painfully awkward, when we revisit the cringeworthy moment between Camille and the frog-prince. We are reminded that Gigi is the hottest modeling offspring in history, that Bella is the second hottest, and that Donald Trump’s hair is real. YAWN.  

Andy addresses Yo’s Lyme relapse, which brings a teary admission that her brain needs quiet, making her friendship with loudmouth, Glanville, all the more mysterious. Yo believes that drugs and overseas sourced holistic treatments are necessary, illustrated by all of of her exotic Instagram hospital pics. Finally, things pick up when we learn that Kyle and Kim haven’t spoken in three months (#handchomp).

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Kim asserts that the others have worked to make things worse, with Kyle agreeing that her bestie surely has. Kim believes that therapy is the answer, if they ever feel like being sisters again, which she doesn’t. Kim is VERY happy, and missing her sister doesn’t dampen her loopy joy one bit. Kyle looks hurt, and reminds Kim that is she ever feels like conversing, she had better be honest about her loopiness. 

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Yolanda’s segment is first, and the most lemony Yo moments are rewound. Yo denies playing the peacemaker, and asserts that her open hearted outlook towards sloshed girlfriends makes her unique. Queen Lisa believes that she makes excuses for Brandi, but Yo disagrees, and boringly works the “no one is perfect” angle. Kyle reminds her that Brandi butt kisses her 24/7 and Kim chimes in, drooling at the chance to disagree with her sister. Kyle nods, and throws the camera a “go figure” expression.

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Brandi’s snide remark about Bella is rehashed, and Queen Lisa nails Brandi to the wall for comparing a middle aged repeat lush, to a 17-year old who got in trouble once for irresponsibly drinking. Yo comments that Brandi’s blurt was a diversion tactic, and she made the generous decision to mother her like an ornery child who needed a good cleansing. Brandi claims that she is only an alcoholic when the Bravo cameras are around, out of her desperate need to black out while interacting with this cast. She comments that she can be one mean drunk, but on a positive note, can also give a mean lap dance. Lisa V remarks that although Brandi can be lovely with her kids, the rest of the time she’s an aggressive slurring mess, and a big pain in the neck. Yo is wearing out, but pounds the message into the ground one last time that her extraordinary family is NOT perfect, just like all of those lame people in Ohio. Yo addresses the rumors questioning her disease, labels the doubters as a**holes, and before she leaves, gives a motivational speech, expressing high hopes for future compassionate perfection for them all.

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We walk down memory lane with Lisa Rinna, reminding us all of what an honest breath of fresh air feels like. Lisa confirms that she hauled in 7 figures by doing that Depends commercial, and Kim snipes that she has way more pride than to do such a thing for a small fortune. She thinks that Lisa’s lippy personality indicates that she will sink to any low, but Lisa scores the last laugh when she reminds her that she turned down televised belly flopping for a buck, unlike HER. Kim Richards should be the LAST Housewife to EVER claim high standard pride…ask anyone “close to her.”

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Lisa clears up rumors about her having eating issues, Eileen confirms that she has always been naturally thin, and Brandi loftily states that she never would be so judgmental as to assume an eating disorder, just because she has never seen Lisa eat as much as an almond.  Lisa disagrees, and nails her for texting her (probably tanked), calling her an anorexic hag.  Brandi denies it, along with a half dozen other instances where she can’t remember what she slurred at any given time. Kyle brings up the now infamous rogue tampon string, and Brandi hits her with her worn out menopause insult, forgetting that if she follows Kyle’s alleged timeline, she herself won’t have to worry about hammered tampon wearing in about four years.

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Brandi’s panting attempts to reconcile with Lisa are remembered, and the slap heard around Amsterdam replays. Andy believes that Queen Lisa was too hard on Brandi at the finale party, and Lisa shoots back that she didn’t want to talk to her, period. Lisa points out that whenever things are going well, Brandi works to cause strife. Brandi blasts Kyle for smoking pot and spreading rumors about Lisa, as we watch Brandi spill the gossip to Lisa herself in Amsterdam. Kyle becomes unglued, and mutual hatred is expressed, through a lot of yelling.  

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Eileen and Queen Lisa try to explain how Brandi’s pranks feel like violations, and Brandi calls foul to being labeled the only meanie pants in the group. She accuses Lisa of saying some rude things about Amsterdam Andre, and Andy jumps on the chance to ask for an update. Brandi proudly catches us up on the boy toy love affair, claiming that they are still chatting.  She crassly throws out that they had extra youthful intercourse twice in Amsterdam, which invites an envious giggling high five from Andy. Queen Lisa is repulsed, being that Andre was a childhood pal of her son’s, and spills that Andre told her that Brandi was too old and drunk to do the deed.  

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Brandi calls Lisa mean for minimizing her slutty prowess, accuses her of wanting the Dutch boy for herself, indicating that Lisa is deluding herself if she thinks that she could ever in her wildest dreams match such a pinnacle of whore-dom. Everyone is mortified by Brandi’s mouth, except Andy who is still marveling at her conquest. Queen Lisa runs down Brandi’s gross antics one more time, and Andy compares her to Kingsley on his worst day. Brandi gets peeved, and Andy falls all over himself trying to explain that he was defending her sloshed frolicking. Brandi shares that her dream is to beat the junk out of Kyle as we wrap part one. One down, two to go!

 

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I am a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. My bio is short, but my snark is endless, and I love writing for the sharpest posters in the world. Follow me on Facebook