Shahs of Sunset Recap: “It’s Nuclear Now” [Episode 5]

On this weeks episode of “Shahs of Sunset,” we begin with Reza at work trying to reinvent himself as Jeff Lewis demolishing his new project and wondering where the cut-rate contractors are because they’re certainly not there working. This makes him realize that Adam and the destination wedding are the best idea so they don’t have to deal “with a bunch of freeloading Persians.” Thailand is Adam‘s choice.

Asifa is already learned her place — maid and cook for GG — while trying to earn her place as maid and cook for Bobby. During breakfast, GG assures us she’s “strictly dickly,” but just can’t seem to be bothered looking for love right now. She says Persian men cheat. We say all men cheat. She needs to get out more.

MJ shows up at Nima and Shervin‘s place, MJ found for them so she tells us she owns them, “like sausage links.” Nima‘s looking for love on Instagram by posting pix of himself in a tub of Cheetos with hashtag #flaminghotcheetos. He says it’s working for him.

Asa, who’s working on our last nerve like Sir Laurence Olivier in “Marathon Man.” is bragging about her “art” to her father and declares she will do a public performance piece in Los Angeles protesting mandatory head-gear for Muslim women. We’re hoping she’ll tour with this piece in Iran.

Back to Shervin, it’s desperate to see him with his shirt off, so she instigates a Cheetos bath for him. We can only assume that Charlie’s no maniac in bed, because MJ‘s inner Thai woman is screaming, “Me so horny!”

Mike and Jessica are discussing the pool party, and Jessica shows her hate for his friends. She’s gonna go to the pool party, if only to keep a leash on Mike. He’s so interested in Jessica‘s bathing suit modelling that he’s on his phone reading GG‘s Instagram post about class. Meanwhile, Jessica‘s standing there is a déclassé bathing suit that she plans to wear to the mixed-gender pool party so that all of Mike‘s friends can see what he’s getting. Mike‘s more interested in being pissed because he’s cropped out of the pic GG posted so he has to post the whole pic in response. How old is he?

GG is face-timing Shervin with her tits hanging out, talking about the pool party, and how she’s so sick of Mike. Shervin tells her to get over it and just come to the party. We go to the party, and there are camel rides — think pony rides with a hump — and Reza claims Persians don’t ride camels. Now how Persians escaped riding camels throughout their history is beyond us, but if Reza who was born here knows better, we’ll have to believe him, even though all our Christmas cards have Melchior, the king of Persia, riding in on a camel, and we had to memorize that the Persian King Cyrus the Great conquered Lydia on camel back.

Next, Reza decides that the pool party has been populated with “the Jersey Shore contingent,” and wonders where Shervin found these people. Meanwhile, every rich-ass Persian in New Jersey whose father used to work for the Shah, are throwing things at their TV, cursing him. Reza labels it a “very weird crowd,” yet he never labels Asa, the biggest, tackiest, Jersey-Shore-clothes-and-jewelry-wearing, overly-made-up, tranny-looking woman on the planet. So Jersey Shore is in the eye of the beholder,  we assume. Meanwhile, MJ‘s ass is his next topic, and people want to rest their cups on her ass, and again, no judgment from Reza.

GG shows up, so now we know the Turkey crap’s about to hit the fan. She tells us she’s annoyed because “I look around this place and what do I see? Mike checking out a bunch of chicks and while Jessica‘s sitting right there! I mean, what’s wrong with this guy? He can’t keep it in his pants!” Uh, well, men checking out women would be the S.O.P. — even Reza comments on every woman he sees — so we’re left with the thought that GG is more jealous than concerned. GG tells Adam and Asa — who decided not to wear her favorite accessory, the veil, to the pool party — that Mike wrote “bad picture” over her face when he posted the same pic of he and GG to show the world that cares that his picture was not bad and GG was wrong to cut him out of her Instagram post. Get it? Good. Now explain it to the rest of us because this is getting more complicated than nuclear talks at the United Nations.

Unlike the United Nations, within seconds Mike is telling GG, “You try so hard! You’re a nerd! You’re a nerd! Go f–k yourself!” and GG is telling Mike, “I try so hard? I just don’t like youuuuuu! No, you kept trying to f–k me in Turkey, bitch! You were the one doin’ that!” Cut to a shot of Jessica looking dumb. Silence. Cue the ominous music to come back up. Hold it a beat — and, yes! Are they rushing or dragging? Slap! GG starts with the Jersey-girl — to keep Reza‘s theme going — pointing, finger-waving, head-bobbing, screeching, “You want ME to go fuck myself? I kept my mouth shut! I’m not doing it any more! Yeah, you’re girl’s sittin’ right there, too! I’ve been nice to her and nice to you! Shut the f–k up! You wanna go put on a show, put s–t on my face on Instagram?” Mike jumps back in like the Jersey Shore guy he is, with his defense, which goes something like this: “You wouldn’t wake up in the morning! You’re telling me I tried to f–k you?” GG gesticulates like no one business while saying, “Yeah! There’s proof! There’s evidence of it! You want it to come out?” Mike says, “Bring it,” with a low snarl. As GG walks away, Mike says, “Huh? All bulls–t! Heresay,” to no one particular as far as we can tell.

Back to the show, GG tells us she always knew Mike would deny it but it’s particularly annoying to hear it, while Mike is telling everyone that GG is just a hater. Jessica still has the perma-painted-on “blank look” going down. Asa asks Mike, “Is she lying?” Mike says, “Absolutely!” to which Asa replies, “You should tell her then!” The camera keeps cutting back to brick-wall Jessica who appears to have some sort of hospital-like ID band strapped on her wrist. At first, we figured all the party goers must have them to keep out the riff-raff, but we don’t see anyone else wearing one. Ah! Maybe Jessica went to an Über-exclusive party the night before and still hasn’t removed it so people know she got into a V.I.P. area? It’s more interesting to speculate on this point than worry about whatever happened in Turkey over a year ago between a couple of drunken friends.

Shervin steers Mike out of the party area so they can talk. Shervin breaks the news to Mike regarding what GG is saying behind his back to anyone and everyone. He says GG said, “I don’t remember what I was wearing. I don’t remember what I was doing. I was really drunk. I don’t remember this, I don’t remember that, however — ” and at this juncture, the editor cuts to Mike to show him growling and squeezing silverware up in the air in an imitation of Captain Kirk screaming “KAHN!” Mike says, “This is what drives me nuts!” Cut back to Jessica, who’s look vaguely like Mariah Carey — dull, vapid, slightly pudgy with water-weight gain — still saying nothing. She does play with her hair a lot, though.

Reza joins the Shervin and Mike tête-à-tête, and Mike immediately asks why he had to hear this from Shervin and not Reza? Reza‘s reason? GG “pinky swore us before she told us what she was saying” — no, that’s not a typo, that’s what he said. A grown-ass man is pinky swearing. And, he’s claiming the pinky swear is as binding as a testifying under oath, no less. He pinky-swore so he can’t tell his bro what’s going on. Mike says, “I realize where I’m at with this group. It’s all good,” which confuses Reza because keeping this from Mike is a sign of friendship, not betrayal.  Jessica comes up during this, crying, and telling Mike that they’re leaving. Jessica will not talk on mic/camera, and Mike tells them they’re not good friends. In Farsi, he says, “I piss on the pinky swear!” We will be getting a coffee mug with this saying on it next week via Vista Print.

Meanwhile, the contouring queen MJ, who’s looking more Oompa Loompa than Mahlagha Jaberi, and GG, are debating how much camera time they would get if they talked to Jessica right now. Shervin wants Mike to come back to the party. Asa follows, then Reza, then MJ, after Reza tells us only the guilty leave the party. They try to gang up on Mike and make him realize he needs to confront GG on camera — it’s good for the show. Mike keeps telling them what crappy friends they are that they talk about him behind his back while only Shervin, the new guy, was willing to tell him what GG was saying about him. Jessica leads Mike out of the party like Patton. She yells at Mike to STFU because the cameras are on and drags him away. Asa hoofs it over to the rental car to try to get Mike to talk but Jessica‘s having none of it, yelling, “I don’t give f–k about this s–t! Get out of my car!” Then MJ and Reza “run” to the car to make Mike talk about it on camera. Mike says — pointing to Jessica — “This means more to me than anything,” and that’s that really. Asa can open her mouth, pleading, “Don’t leave without saying anything,” but Mike, gotta love him, is standing by his woman’s demand that they leave and talk about it off camera, especially when she interrupts Reza and Asa‘s continued begging with “Mike! Get me the f–k outta here!”

The coda: GG protests that she’s not lying. Reza says “I feel dirty.” MJ concurs. Asa says, “Your feelings are 1,000% valid, but this was the wrong setting.” We say, what a bunch of hypocritical bullsh*tters. They’re eating this up! Ratings, baby, ratings! Shervin is the only one who’s an adult and asks the right question of GG: “What’s the motive? What do you want out of this?” Of course, he’ll never get a real answer to that question. He’s so naive, our little Persian poppet of puppy-like pugnacity. (He’s straight, right? We do have a chance in Hell?) GG gets weepy with Shervin and says she just wanted to say this happened. Shervin knows he’s never getting the truth, and we know GG is fake crying.

Next week, we get to see the sky-jumping proposal! Heaven helps us all!

 

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