Love & Hip Hop New York Recap: “Surprise, Surprise” [Season Finale]

Well, the end of the road is here for “Love & Hip Hop New York,” the season finale kicks off with our little Diamond all grown up; sitting down with Cisco to discuss their knockin’ boots, 3 a.m. booty call “relationship” like two adults. Diamond thinks there “must have been something wrong with me, for you to keep constantly steppin’ out on me.” Uh, yeah. She goes on to say, “It felt like you didn’t love me. Did you?” and Cisco says, “I don’t think so.” He elucidates by saying he was “never in love’ with you because we never had the opportunity to make that happen.” Uh, okay. Some might say that being “in love” is exactly what they were doing with all the banging and puppy dog like humpin’ and they were never at a level where they actually loved each other, like two human beings in a respectable relationship that’s growing towards a commitment.

Chrissy is all stuffed-sausage looking pretend she’s working looking for models and invites Chink to join her on this bogus mission. She starts on him and tells him he’s bogus. He claims she’s wrong. He’s not selfish, he’s just got obligations to stay married and stay with his kids no matter what cheap piece of meat he’s banging on the side. Chrissy is screaming which isn’t a good look for someone her age. It makes the wrinkles show. Fierce. Not in a “good way” fierce. We look away from the screen so we can hear the good point that Chrissy is making without being distracted by her face. Chrissy‘s screaming. Chink chastises her for yelling because he’s so mature, so Chrissy get’s up and says, “I can’t do it no more.” Chrissy tells us it’s over. Before she goes, though, she has these bon mots for the Chinkster: “You be mad at yourself, though, because you lost the best mutherf–ker you ever had, and you always gonna remember me, and you always gonna think about me, ’cause you never gonna meet a bitch like me again, mutherf–ker! I’m done.” And there she goes, as Chink slumps there, so cool, so suave, so debonair, saying, “All right. Good luck.”

SIR Studios and Kid Capri and Precious Paris –which of these things is not like the other? Precious Paris ’cause she ain’t never and will never have any street cred. If you don’t know, Kid Capri is only a legendary DJ and THE original king of the mix tape in the hip-hop world! And SIR Studios is the pre-eminent backline and rehearsal space in the country. So who’s picking up the tab for renting all this rehearsal space and talent? Precious. So she invites Rich Dollaz there so she can point out what a loser he is because he’s never works. We won’t bore you with all the typical Rich excuses, but just one favorite jumps out. Rich: “As a control freak, I need to know when we doin’ this, we doin’ this.” Precious says, “That doesn’t make sense.” We hear the faint sounds of a Greek Chorus in the background undergirding her point. We’re starting to love us some Precious. We may even download her tune if it ever gets out there. Rich tries to tell us that she’s runnin’ around doin’ stuff without him so “obviously, she’s a non-factor in Dollaz Unlimited.” ROTFLMFAO! Okay, Rich, you spin it “right round baby, right round, like a record, baby, right round*.” Loser! Maybe your Mama is out working, but we don’t see nothin’ from nothin’ from you. Precious fires his ass with a “Nice not workin’ with you!”

Since Cisco‘s run outta women, he’s gonna go back to his baby mama, Tasha, and try to talk her into givin’ him some. Ha! He’s in ATL and they’re meeting in his hotel room. She tells him, “It’s necessary for you to get a good understanding of what mayhem you created in my life . . .  You broke my heart into a million pieces.” Cisco pulls out the lame, “I went through a lot of sh-t” line as if that’s a reason for running around like a dog in heat. Good ol’ Tasha responds, “I don’t care what the f–k you went through! You can’t ever make this right, EVER! So if this little bullsh-t invitation was to clear your conscience, I’m not doing this for you! You gotta let this sh-t burn!” Cisco asks what he can do to make it right. “What do you want from me, man?” he asks. “I’ve suffered, severely. I f–ked up! I’m sorry! You want blood? Cause I’ll –” Tasha retorts, “Yeah, I want blood, ’cause you can’t even fathom what that kind of pain is like!”

Ah, Cisco, we can always count on you to try to win an argument via your narcissistic personality disorder.  Cisco says, “I can’t? You sure? I need to be around my children, for their sake and mine. I grew up without my parents. You didn’t.” Tasha reminds him “So far that reason you shoulda done better!” Ah, truer words were never spoken to a man who can never admit that he’s choosing to be an ass on a daily basis for years and wants to cry about it being everyone else’s fault. Tasha ain’t buyin’. You go, Girl! She schools him: “There is a consequence to everything you do, and one of the consequences to f–kin’ me over is yeah, you gonna deal with me on my terms now! You not runn’ sh-t no more — not in my life! I love you, but I can’t let you walk all over me!”  Cisco starts gettin’ that psycho look in his eyes like a five-year-old just before their ready to throw that temper tantrum. “You can’t use my kids as f–kin’ pawns against me!” yells Cisco. Wrong thing to say at this point, Egghead. “I’m so f–kin’ tired of you! I’ll do whatever I wanna do!” cries Tasha. So, Cisco does whatever he wanna do. And what he wanna do is pick up crap the hotel owns and start throwin’ it at the walls, and knockin’ over furniture, like he’s Justin Bieber on a rampage in a hotel in Argentina! That’s how much of a girl he is. The production crew runs over to stop him because they don’t want to pay for this damage. They pull Cisco out and the producer asks him, “You promise you you’re not gonna do anything crazy outside, right?” Well, why not let him go outside and run amok? Maybe the immature little brat will run out into traffic and play there.

Peter obviously had discount coupon from booking.com for a hotel in Tarrytown, so he drags Amina up there to woo her. Let’s see if he’s better at it than Cisco, shall we? The fact that he went to all the trouble to invite her to a weekend getaway an entire 30 miles up to the Castle Hotel & Spa, which is really just a crappy wedding venue, kids, says a lot. Like Cisco, he’s used up all his other whores, so he figures the only bitch left for him is Amina so he decides to grovel. “This is just me in love and feeling bad about all the stuff that I’ve done and I want to do the right thing. It’s just that you know sometimes you gotta man up if you do much sh-t to people like I was a complete disgusting, you know, pig to you. I’m sure everybody that knows you — your friends, your family — is, like, leave him, so I don’t have grounds to stand on, but what I’m comfortable in knowing is that I love you. I don’t wnana walk out on another household, another child. I wanna another shot to prove to you that I love you that I love the baby, and I wanna try to do the right thing by you . . . I wanna move forward with my family that’s it. End of story.”

Amina tells him, “I wanna focus on what I’m meant to do and that’s my music and to be honest I reached out . . . to someone I trust,” and she proceeds to tell him about Orin. But Peter already knows about Orin because of Hassan, and he tells he that he knows a lot more than she thinks she knows, because the way to a woman’s heart is to act all patronizing in her face. Peter then says, “I think he’s a snake. I think he’s a clown. I really want to knock his phone off the f–kin’ hook, but I’m trying to be cordial here.”

Then Peter asks us a prescient question: “What married man would be okay with his wife workin’ with her ex? Nobody.” Well, ask a silly question Peter . . . how ’bout a married man that don’t go knockin’ boots with his baby mama on every time he’s not with his wife? Just askin’ . . . Peter pulls out another ring — we’ve lost count of how many crap-ass rings he tried to foist on Amina to make it all better, but she’s not having it! Looks like we got ourselves a triple play here, gals! Chrissy, Tasha, and now Amina — all tellin’ their sorry-ass men to take a hike! Can’t I getta “Amen!”

The only woman left out of the sanity circle is Yandy. She’s makin’ a total ass outta herself with her name changing, love commitment ceremony, bullsh-t baby shower. She professes her love for Mendeecees in front of people who will remember what an ass she was for a long time to come. Man, she’s got some balls on her! She calls up “Big Mendeecees and L’il Mendeecees” to join her while she bleats on and on, and we see her other baby with Mendeecees being left out of the equation.

Yandy proclaims, “Today I choose to become a Harris,” Or is he gonna be a Harris? Or is he just gonna be a big ol’ nuthin’ in this soap opera life Yandy‘s creating for herself? Oh, by-the-by, she reminds everyone this is not their wedding. That’s still to come. Maybe after his parole in a decade or so.

 

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