Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: “Anyone For Golf?” [Episode 4]

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We rejoin this Aussie coaster ride somewhere in Gina’s realm, where there is much cooing and awing about bags – the Birkin kind rather than the old bitter windbag kind. Janet is giving Gina an update about the sex party gossip and wondering why Gamble is so upset about the besmirching of her reputation. Lunch is a delectable exchange of character assassination and pole dancing rumors (not mutually exclusive). Even so, Gina admits that there might have been “some substance” to the rumors, hmmm, that’s juicy business from Gamble’s champion lawyer/friend. “She might go legal,” Gina continues. This coffee date ends in serious indigestion.


Next we cut to Bruce, Chyka’s stout spouse, who has set up a meeting to let us know he has urgent biz in Dohar. Chyka arrives fabulously late due to luxury car parking issues. Or perhaps it’s because she was busy styling her hair in the large hadron collider. She is planning an almost royal wedding! There is ombre carpet to pick out. Chyka and her pocket hubby tour the grounds of an epcot center like project, hard hats perched precariously atop their hair sculptures.

Next we see the two J’s, Janet and Jackie, shopping for golf wear. Jackie plays dumb about the rules of golf couture and they spend an obscene amount of Australian pounds.

Janet and Jackie thank the pervy sales guy for his help and have a chat about who’s going to swing on the greens. It’s not long before they get to the real heart of the matter: Janet’s caffeinated convo with Gina. Janet gets misty eyed and Jackie is outraged, “So you’re telling me that Gina asked you for a coffee and she starts attacking you?!“

Jackie assures Janet that she’s done nothing wrong but Janet still has her knickers in a golf-ball-sized knot. The two gals hug it out and Janet has a “vent of a cry.” Post pout session she feels relieved and happy to have Jackie in her corner.

Elsewhere in the barren expanses of Aussie suburbia, Queen Gina is posing for a sexy shoot with a playboy style photog. He has plenty of spray tan to capture a woman’s “natural” beauty and a host of cars for her to caress suggestively. Thankfully Gina is smart enough to not spread her gams across too many hoods.

At Club 74, a whiskey bar, Chyka is shrieking in delight at having her friends over for a private dining experience with a healthy heaping of Gamble-gate gossip. Jackie is shine/shine/shining in all her psychic glory, with Chyka egging her on in between bites of feigned concern for Gamble’s reputation. Janet has a surprise for Jackie, not only is everything shine/shine/shining, they are heading off in a copter to an emotional day of golf. Gamble wins the unannounced craziest dressed contest hands down, with a giant cotton ball crowning her ensemble. Chyka kicks off the festivities with a heart-felt apology about stripper-gate. Gamble then admits to having posed for “figurative art works” – you know, oil paintings…she’s a regular Melbourne Mona Lisa, “but that’s quite different from swinging around on a pole or stripping on a pole.” Sure…

The ladies cluck a while about each others outfits, including Gina’s TV-ready cocktail frock and pumps. It’s pretty adorable when Gina attempts to wear gold shoes and ends up prancing around on her tippy toes, since she is so used to sky high stilettos. Jackie pops open a bottle of champs because, let’s face it, golf is just better with booze. And an Arnold Palmer just ain’t gonna cut it.


Janet gives a quick lesson on how to hit the ball, and then fails miserably at demonstrating a proper shot. Gina, bless her, swings a bit too enthusiastically, and launches her club toward the heavens. Which is appropriate since Jackie’s “angels” had given her the 411 in advance, all psychic style, with vibes. “The angels always know and I’m always right with my psychic vibes!” Ooh! I hope this one keeps using her powers for good! After all the ladies have a whack at the ball, Chyka gathers everyone around and asks, “Are we all feeling happy and back on track with everyone?”

Janet wonders aloud why Gamble is getting legal advice from Gina. Gamble reminds Janet that her “allegations are really serious, sweetie.” Janet fires back, “They aren’t allegations. They were a rumor…If you want to talk allegations, you said in front of 400 people at Chadstone [shopping mall] that I sold my body for heroin!”

Much sex party themed cackling ensues until Chyka tries to put a stop to it all with a succinct summary of how the rumor was spread – namely, she smelt it and dealt it. Janet is incredulous that she’s been called out while Chyka has escaped unscathed, “I’ve been the one whammied and Chyka’s slithered!”

Jackie, playing peacemaker, steps in to smooth things over a bit, and Gamble gamely concludes: “Whatever it is you have to say about me, do it behind my back because I don’t want to know about it.” Janet is pleased with this resolution and rewards Gamble with a hug. Gamble is so pacified she even apologizes for the chicken head heroine rumors she tossed Janet’s way. Perhaps there IS hope for peace in the middle east too.

Chyka invites everyone to a “better halves” bash and then hints at next week’s hijinks. “At this stage I don’t see there to be a reason why anything should go wrong…but a lot can happen in a week.” Truer words never spoken!

Do you think stripper-gate is truly over? Who is the biggest “pot” stirrer of them all? What could possibly go wrong? Sound off in the comments!


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