It’s finale night on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and Bravo is moving east to New York. We begin with Kyle and Kim in their most dramatic fluttering moo moos awaking to a new day in Palm Springs. Kyle is cooking, and Kim aggressively announces that she is super sober and can take care of her own darn life. We are brought back to her shrieking “YOU’RE LYING!” at her sister, likely brought on by the fact that she was too hammered to recollect the original conflict to begin with. Kyle sadly comments that their dear old bossy mother taught her daughters how to shove their dirty moo moos under the carpet, because ignoring problems keeps the shrieking to a minimum. We learn of Nicky Hilton’s book signing, which brings a renewed opportunity to continue the reinvented dysfunction in public. The sisters are excited to start the whole twisted cycle anew, especially because Brandi isn’t invited.
We jump over to Lisa and Harry’s where the family is preparing to rip down their swing set, as a farewell to childhood. It’s a bittersweet family moment, and Lisa uses it to reiterate how out of line Kim was in Amsterdam, to insinuate anything weird about Harry or her girls. She admits that she irrationally blew, and wishes that she didn’t grace Kim with as much as a single splash of wine in her face. Nicky’s book signing event is kicking off at Kyle’s store, and the Richards family gathers to support her in the endeavor. We learn that Nicky was once an elected best dressed adolescent, as Camille pops in for a finale guest appearance. Kim and Kyle are killing it faking the love, as Nicky signs books, and icky sis Paris struts around like an arched back peacock. Kyle spills to Queen Lisa and Camille that she and Kim are upping their game at sisterly pretense, and Lisa nods, and agrees that it’s probably a good idea, because the whole situation is a bit hopeless anyway. Adrienne’s upcoming bash is discussed, which has clearly been dubbed finale central, and the question about whether Kim will challenge Brandi is floated.
Everyone is getting ready for Adrienne’s bash, and Mark the trusty roomie hairdresser is giving Brandi a mini therapy session, as he does her hair. Brandi responds by expressing worry over her dad’s heart surgery, and throws in some nasty hatred for Kyle. We bounce around between cars, and the nugget about Vince living next door to the Jackson 5 trumps all of the other pre-event chatter.
Queen Lisa picks up Kyle, and it’s fun to see them giggling together before a party. Kim is getting her makeup done, and is tirelessly trying to figure out who besides Kyle is the dirty liar. The gals all arrive in their black dresses and greet each other, as celestial beings in gaudy makeup swing around from the ceiling. Kim and Monty show up, and Kim rambles on and on and on about her phony sobriety being challenged. Brandi and Lisa begin to officially beat a dead horse, rehashing the drunk slap and the flowery apology that followed. Brandi tearfully explains that her dad is dying, and Yo has been the only friend who has cared. Lisa expresses sympathy, but tries to explain that she doesn’t know her father, and Brandi maturely shoots back that she is missing out, because he’s way cooler than she and Ken and Giggy combined. Brandi whines that she is having constant panic attacks over her father’s condition, and denies acting hypocritically, because that doesn’t really jive with her chronic a**hole shtick. These two are working too hard on this hyped up quasi-frenemy dynamic, which in my mind has officially jumped the shark.
Kim confronts Lisa R, and accuses her of floating the idea of an intervention, and Lisa refuses to answer due to the fact that Kim is an unpredictable screamer. Lisa implies that the overall conversation with Brandi is being over simplified, and that Kim’s best pal Brandi can take over informing Kim that she’s a hot mess. Lisa looks weary, as Kim leaves the table in an angry huff. Kyle is peeved withLisa for allowing the fear of inviting Kim’s crazy wrath, to thwart her from confirming her story. An extremely odd and magically cheesy Maloof Hoof reveal occurs, as the women banter endlessly aboutLisa being a fraidy cat. Thankfully, the embarrassing visual briefly breaks the tension. Lisa asserts that she had already agreed to back off, and is resistant to get involved again, which frustrates Kyle. Lisa understands that junkie siblings need backup, but stubbornly insists that silent backtracking keeps her blissfully away from a futile and depressing battle. Eileen points out that Kyle jumped into this because of Lisa’s exchange with Brandi, and Kyle reminds her that she defended her motives to Kim. Queen Lisa butts in and repeats the problem, perhaps thinking that a British accent could elevate the point. Eileen reminds Lisa R that she is the official horse’s mouth, which makes Lisa reluctantly relent, but with the caveat that having to interact with Kim about pretty much anything makes her skin crawl.
Kim bellows for Kyle, wearing her scariest bitch face, and when Lisa R tries to help, Kim firmly tells her and her lips to get lost. Lisa sharply points out that for Kim to need her validation over her sister’s word is twisted, and that Kim really doesn’t want to know the truth. Yolanda travels from group to group, playing the buttinski mediator, and I just want to shove her out of the way and tell her to SHHH! Lisa R thoughtfully clues Brandi in that their lunch convo is wreaking big time havoc, and Brandi agrees, and lazily labels the whole cast as toxic. In the midst of the turmoil, Mauricio’s mom and Adrienne’s boy toy hook Camille up with a prince, and it’s the most randomly awkward finale scene ever.
Kim approaches Brandi to make sure that she knows that she would never doubt a sister wreck. After Brandi tucks her exposed breast back into her dress, she admits that she’s worried about Kim, and believes that she needs friends that aren’t drunk all the time like she is. True enough. The two women bond over their worry for each other, adding a whole new disturbing dimension to their enabling kinship. Lisa R joins them, and just as it begins to look as though the discussion is becoming productive, Brandi becomes pissy when the others swoop in to join the drama. Brandi storms out, as we wrap up with the cast.
We end the season learning that Yolanda has relapsed, but is still a proud and annoying stage mother. Lisa Rinna remains a hustler, and surmises that life is about conflict, resolution and forgiveness. Eileen comments that you can’t write the craziness that happens with this bunch, as we read that she is currently in two less dramatic soap operas. Queen Lisa is just happy to be Max’s mum and is waiting patiently to become a grandmum. Kim is still caring for Monty and hanging with Brandi, and claims ‘sobriety.’ Kyle and Kim’s relationship is likely beyond repair, and they have not spoken since Kim’s dog mauled Kyle’s daughter’s hand. Brandi reminds us no one can change her, and whines one last time about being misunderstood. YAWN. No more yawning, because a sure to be epic reunion is right around the corner!