It’s “Teen Mom” time y’all! We are back with the original cast, Maci Bookout, Amber Portwood, Catelynn Lowell and soon to be baaaacckkk…Farrah Abraham. The kids are all around five-years-old, and the women are actually officially old enough to drink legally, which lends an eerie adult parental vibe to the action. The film crew and producer are making themselves visible, which is also different.
We begin by catching up with lovebirds Catelynn and Tyler, the former teenage couple who had placed their first child for adoption. We discover that they are wanting to have a child of their own, and are spending lots of time scoffing social media naysayers, insisting that they are plenty mature enough to handle the responsibility. We rewind to the adoption struggle, and are reminded that their junkie parents didn’t throw their careening support behind the teens’ tough decision. The couple has been engaged and un-engaged, and as we jump back to the present, Catelynn announces that they are super ready for the next step, just in time to read a positive pregnancy stick. Tyler jumps to attention, and plans out their next five years in five minutes, except that marriage chink, which appears to be especially challenging. It is obvious that Catelynn wants to be married, and it’s just as obvious that Tyler doesn’t. A little later, Catelynn and her mom are hanging out, complaining about the missing trashbox, and faking a surprise conversation about Catelynn’s pregnancy. Tyler also shares the news with his mom, and she momentarily forgets that they aren’t filming 16 and pregnant, and rambles on to him as if he’s never heard of a baby before.
Catelynn and Tyler express frustration that they can’t keep the news out of the tabloids, and still allow their friends to blast it all over their Facebook accounts, while rolling their eyes at being labeled trailer trash AGAIN by the people who actually watch them on TV. They wanted to announce it their own way, and are disappointed that telling every one of their friends has resulted in a trailer park leak. Later Catelynn chats with a friend, and they banter about what a whack job that her soon to be revealed co-star is. They discuss the marriage discord between she and Tyler and kindly label it as cute as a button ‘stubborness.’ We relive the painful “Couples Therapy” Reunion appearance, and the snarky, Maury-esque exchange with Farrah. Later on in bed, the couple discuss marriage again, and Tyler professes his passionate desire to marry Catelynn, but only when he feels like it. They plan to honeymoon in Scotland, evidently with an infant.
Amber has been sprung from prison and is moving into a new place, ready to start fresh. Amber’s cousin Krystal is presented as the new sidekick, and Amber is sporting some giant sky blue nails. No matter what Amber is going through, those gaudy claws of hers are just never neglected. We flash back to the violence against her baby daddy, Gary, her addiction and her prison stint. She does not have custody of her daughter, Leah, but the cutie is coming for a visit, as we get the first glimpse of Gary, who is larger (or are the t’s just tighter?) and harder on the eyes than ever before, if that is even possible. We watch Amber and Leah frolic at a park, and interact at home, supposedly to feel assured that Amber is rock solid… but I have massive doubts. Later on, Gary arrives, and assumes his reclined beached whale-like position on Amber’s couch, as they banter about how great they are getting along. We hear of Gary’s new girlfriend, who probably won’t be thrilled to hear her main squeeze float the idea of a baby mama reconciliation. The scene ends with Amber wrestling with the idea of loving Gary again, or her potential next talon color, I can’t tell which.
Speaking of claws, Amber is getting a pedicure with her mom and Krystal, while Gary and girlfriend Kristina put together a set of bunk beds. Gary tells the tale of a pal proposing to his girlfriend, and Kristina looks wistfully doubtful that she will ever bag her juicy hunk of man. Amber spills to her family of Gary’s new affection, and her mom is instantly turned off, like the rest of America. Amber attempts maturity, but then reverts to spoiled brat in record time. Her mom accuses her friends of only caring about cameras, and Krystal cries for the second time, making a two for two teary appearance. Amber remarks that she wants to get high again, and Krystal looks like she wants to cry again. Heather the show producer, and Amber’s best MTV friend, makes a random appearance, and listens to Amber vent about Gary for no apparent reason. We witness her again later, nodding and furrowed, as Amber blathers on and on. She dramatically proclaims that she has lost her whole family while she was locked up, expressing her distress while blinking through her giant chunky eyelashes.
Maci is the mom of Bentley, and we discover that she is currently a radio show personality, a senior college student, and proud owner of a ginormous new shoulder tattoo. We flash back to her painful relationship with Bentley’s dad Ryan, and learn that her boyfriend Taylor has recently moved in with them. Bentley likes playing baseball, and appears to be a pretty disobedient and kind of whiny brat, which is explained away as first day filming jitters. Ryan has Bentley for the weekend, and wants to take him to Nashville, and because Bentley has plans to be ornery elsewhere, he balks at the trip.
While Bentley is away, Maci meets up with a couple of friends for pedicures, and they all discuss how pathetic a dad Ryan is, and decide that kissing up to him to improve their communication is a genius idea. Maci gives the personal communication a go, and Ryan responds maturely with a “nah.” Maci arrives at Ryan’s parents house to pick Bentley up, and speaks to his mom about getting Ryan to talk to her. His grinning mom agrees, and refuses once again to push her 26-year-old son into manhood, advising Maci to kiss up to him via email. She believes that to be the first necessary baby step, and the most effective way to endlessly coddle a grown man. Maci shares with Taylor about her frustration, and claims that she will be “done” if the butt kissing email is a failure. Taylor gently indicates that such a comment is just plain stupid, and that she will be trying again for approximately 13 more years.
We say good bye for now with a song and a final look at the cast living their lives, still blissfully unaware that the F word is about to descend. Will it be next week?