A new week but the same old, same old to talk about. Reza meets GG to help with her interior decorating because as her current style is “You’ll love it at Levitz!” Of course, Reza‘s style is eponymous Maurice Villency circa Henry Hill, 1972, so we’ll see how this goes. In between neighing during each other choices, they sit on the store’s leather couch and go over the whole “tried to f–k me in Turkey thing” again, because Reza has his doubts.
Mike is living his own adult fantasy – he’s pretending to work again. Showing a house for sale that looks like a nightmare you’d have about Elvis after eating too many PB&J with bacon sandwiches, Mike gives the most delicious blank stare when the prospective buyer asks about Crestron. All he knows is it’s got purple velvet on the walls. The erstwhile browser continues on with all kinds of b.s. about how he bought dropped $40,000,000 last year so this little dump would be for the maids. Mike tells us how he’s new to residential so good thing he’s starting with a) no knowledge of Crestron and b) a jackhole poser of a client.
A MJ‘s condo — doesn’t anyone here have a real house — she’s eating again and Asa and Reza, the two people who don’t need to join her are joining her. If some people would stop shoving food in their mouths some people would not be so rotound. Reza is party-planning for Adam‘s 30th birthday and passing around the crap he bought which gives MJ the opportunity to get pouty because Asa is getting to see the party store crap before MJ.
After the commercial, we’re still at MJ‘s condo but time has passed. We can tell because she’s now exploding out of tiny, shiny, shorty, nightie robe that could be 100% poly or rayon. Doubtful it’s silk. She wears this little number while doing the tiniest push ups we’ve ever seen! Her downward motion is approximately one-to-two inches and then she returns to her starting position. This has to be the dark side of the Moon opposite to the one-armed, down to the dirt and back push ups that my USMC friend does. Two of those and exercise time c’est finis! Bald Eagle 1 comes in out of nowhere attempting to enter the same bathroom as MJ, and Charlie‘s style sense matches MJ‘s with his long t-shirt and even longer shorts. We could almost call them culottes, but certainly, we could call them the singular most unsexy piece of clothing ever worn by anyone in the world. MJ loves that he makes the bed, while she makes the bread — into little “squares” as she calls them but to a 1st grade graduate, they would be called triangles — for French Toast, the perfect breakfast cum diet food.
A cell block somewhere in L.A. is the new project for Reza who is going to do a Jeff Lewis and flip turning duplexes into fourplexes, and he’s gonna make millions! Of course, after you subtract all the costs he’ll eat in rookie mistakes, it may only be enough to pay for some fancy Vanity Fair napkins in aisle 6 at Stop-and-Shop but as long as he’s happy. Oh, by the way, being a professional, he’s doing this with Adam tagging along so they can talk about the fact that Moms doesn’t want a destination wedding and is pushing for The Four Seasons, or to some place that is within driving distance for the relatives can drive to. After all, she’s paying for the wedding. Since Adam is a kept man, he better keep his trap shut and do it wherever and whenever Reza‘s Moms says. He agrees — Mama didn’t raise no stupid rent boy.
GG is meeting with her balding, pony-tailed Dad — is that an extension? — to discuss her business. Remember, the one from a few seasons ago? The one with her sister? The on with the fighting all the time? That’s it! Now you’ve got it! The fake hair business! Forgot about for a moment, didn’t you? We all did, but it seems GG is still in the “marketing and advertising” end of the business which as her sister says, means that she is the face of the brand. Only problem is, there is no brand, and no business but she needs her Dad to get her out of it. He repeats some little trope about failure which GG should be an expert in at this point in her life. She moves on to discussing another failure in her life — her relationship with Mike and the “incident” in Turkey. (Does one or does one not remember that during the premiere seasons so many eons ago, it appeared that our Miss GG was chasing down the Mike booty and was pissed he wasn’t giving it up? If we weren’t so lazy, we’d go back and watch that epi in the gym again.) She wants Papa to preach and tell her in a very vague way whether it’s all right to spread gossip about someone that could hurt them just to make yourself feel better, and Dad, who must remember how to negotiate from the old Pahlavi days — turn your Way Back machines to pre-Iranian hostage times, kids — gives her the most non-committal answer any diplomat can give. Maybe yes, maybe no, try again later, says Dad, the Magic 8 Ball of parents.
Asa‘s parents on the other hand, are less delusional as she is. Her Moms is going car shopping with her at some Persian Merc dealership, and her moms gives a look like a) “how the heck is she going to pay for a car?” and b) “why is she embarrassing me and pulling that hooey with the alignment crap again?” Moms tells her right in front of the salesman, “Asa, you’re a weirdo!” Our thoughts exactly. While the salesman goes to get some tea for the gooey-looking candy crap he’s just unwrapped, he leaves Asa, her mom, and his abacus — yup! ABACUS — on his desk. Isn’t he afraid someone’s gonna swipe that abacus? You don’t see many real wood abucuses — or is it abucai? — these days! Whoa! No wonder Mercs cost so much! Back to Asa if I can take my mind off the abacus. She asks her moms in the same vague GG kind of way about the Mike and GG situation. Doesn’t anyone talk about the geo-political dynamics of the Kurds v. Shi’ites situation in this group? Mike and GG and a supposed incomplete pass at the 47-yard-line is the only topic up for discussion? Her mother tells her, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” When the salesman comes back, Asa is busy telling us how savvy she is getting the down payment on a leased Merc to $2.2K and payments of $1,199 for 24 months. Uh, is Jermaine Jackson’s kid picking up the tab? Because even if Asa sold every bit of that gold-plated flea market jewelry she’s wearing, she’s not coming up with that monthly nut.
At Reza‘s condo, Reza is getting dressed for Adam‘s birthday party while Adam yawns. Reza wonders if this is what married life is going to be like, especially with their 10.5 year age difference, and let’s say it all together, shall we? “HELL, YEAH!” Isn’t it great that gay people can now enjoy the same tedious, jaw-clenching, suicidal feeling that all hetero married couples get to experience? Equality is a wonderful thing, friends.
Back to MJ‘s condo, and we get to see her fake eyelashes before they are applied. We’re old enough to remember the first time fake eyelashes were in vogue and Twiggy was the next big thing, but it seems reality TV has brought back the bogus in a big way. Glue in your eyes, all it is is glue in your eyes . . . Looks like MJ‘s dog is au natural though just as chunky monkey as MJ. We see a glob of glue on her eyelids then cut to GG calling Asifa in the next room via Skype — yes, literally, the next room — asking her what to wear. Cut to party room and everyone arriving. The usual suspects arrive plus some new ones, and Adam‘s friends show up, too. This gives Reza another chance to proclaim that he is not white. Somehow, he believes that being Persian is different than white. We’re still trying to figure this one out since technically, the Aryan race refers to Persians and Northern Indians as well as all speakers of the Proto-Indo-European dialect, but Reza insists, so who are we to quibble? He tells us Adam‘s friends are all nimrods. He says, “Persians and white geeks mix together beautifully. Just put some lime on it, and you’re good to go.” Normally, we understand Reza‘s jive talk, but this one’s got even Barbara Billingsley confused. (See Airplane! for reference — google it on youtube.)
Mike and whats-her-name show up — oh, yeah! Jessica Rabbit — and GG gives it a sideways glance. Jessica‘s boobs are popping out of a deep cut out resembling the Marinas Trench, and it’s not pretty. It’s like Fat Albert showing side boob. GG tells us that every time she sees Mike “it’s just gnarly.” Asifa and Bobby show up, and GG tells Asifa, “You look like a high-paid hooker” and that’s not what anyone else is thinking, but she takes it as a compliment because, hey, better than being called a thrift-store, 10k gold-plated wannabe, eh?
Cut to commercial and we see that there will be 8 heifers on RHONY this season. Perhaps 8 will equal one decent story line between the hawk noses and buck teeth that no one seems to have enough money to fix? We’ll see if we can stomach it.
Back at the party, which is a) too well lit — we hate parties where the lighting is done by Mr. Costco, and b) too small a room. Everyone can see MJ‘s uneven bronzer in this light. Speaking of which, MJ is bringing her son — lover — to the party and she’s not going to take any bad talk about him, even if he does turn out to be the goofiest looking guy in the room with a mommy complex. Hold on kids — we need to get up and take a Xanax before we continue. Just the thought MJ and Charlie naked is bringing on the heebie jeebies.
Okay! We’re back! MJ tells us that she’s nervous about everyone meeting her Knucklehead Smith doll again, but on the other hand, she’s really excited to show everyone that someone — anyone — will give it to her. Reza tells us, “If I had waited this many years to lock down a 30-year-old man –” which he did, by the way — “he would not be Charlie. He’s not the most handsome fellow I’ve ever seen, but then as long as MJ‘s happy, I guess I’m happy?” Well, that strikes us as funny because Adam ain’t no looker, honey! We love us some Reza but he could do better himself if we’re talking robbing the cradle here. By-the-by, Reza posted his Bravo blog last night and said this about Charlie:
“Honestly, I don’t want to speak ill of him, but he is not the caliber of guy that MJ should be dating. Plus, he’s really unattractive, and I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but damn, unless your eyesight is off, homeboy is ugly. I mean ugly ugly.”
Since the show was taped last year around this time, we have to imagine that MJ and Charlie aren’t together anymore, don’t we?
Back to the shenanigans. There’s one table for eight, and four others that appear to be 6-tops so now we know why the party is being held in a closet. Mike is pissed that he’s at the table with “the help” as he calls it. GG is sitting at Adam‘s table. Asa is at Adam‘s table. MJ is at Adam‘s table. Charlie is at Adam‘s table. Shervin is at Adam‘s table. Gary Coleman’s older brother is at Adam‘s table. Reza is at Adam‘s table. Guess Mike knows his place in the Reza hierarchy now! Reza says it’s only Adam‘s friend at their table, so Mike shouldn’t feel bad. Mike is sitting with his back to Adam and getting everyone at his table to do shots. He also tells Adam that he has a nice skin-colored yarmulke on his head, referring to Adam‘s bald spot.
Reza gets up to make a toast to Adam whom he says is “khaki not cocky –” Farsi for “salt of the Earth” as per the Bravo subtitle guy — “he’s like the salt of the earth –” yeah, we know from the subtitles, Reza — can’t you read? “– a good guy. I’m a big jewelry whore, so the love bracelet my mom gave me when I was a little I took off a long time ago without telling him so I could give him the one my mom gave me as his present.” Great. Thirty-years-old and all you get is someone’s used Cartier? BFD, eh? Asifa seems to think not as she screams at Shervin across the room to go get a drink with her and GG, so that GG now has the opportunity to tell them that Mike hit on her in Turkey. Then MJ and Bobby join them, so GG repeats it again. And again. And again. Right up until Asa waddles in and tells them that dinner is being served. GG says she won’t talk about it anymore. Next edit, she’s pulling Reza out of the dining room to repeat the whole conversation to him, and then Asa joins in for some camera time. She’s already heard this story. We all have. The only who hasn’t now is Jessica, so we’re just waiting for that drunken shoe to drop.
Since there’s only two minutes left in the episode, we know it’s not gonna drop now. They say they’re gonna shut up and go eat. When they enter the room, Mike is licking his too-white teeth and tells GG she looks “like you wanna kick somebody’s ass.” GG responds, “I gotta go beat somebody’s ass. Papi Chulo.” Which is Puerto Rican slang for a pimp daddy. Reza tells us he’s so scared he’s gonna get a message from Mike saying, “You fat f–k! Why didn’t you tell me?” about GG, et al, but really, who cares since you all ain’t doing business together and Jessica Rabbit is already converted and ready to marry his sorry ass thinking he has money somewhere, not knowing she’s gonna have to work to support him. The cake comes, and they sing in Farsi so they don’t have to pay royalties to Patty Hill. Asa makes that horrible sound that the Palestinians made on 9/11. We wish she’d stop doing that. Adam looks happy, or at least as happy as Oppie Taylor can look when he’s got so few friends.
Next week, kids!
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.