Love & Hip Hop New York Recap: “The Final Countdown” [Episode 14]

If you remember, last week on “Love & Hip Hop New York” we left on a note of peace and harmony with Jhonni and Richie cursin’ each other out. This week, we start with Peter telling us about his own recipe for peace and harmony. He’s a jewelry store and Erica is invited to help him pick out a diamond ring for Amina. Erica lectures him and tells him, “Don’t hurt her anymore,” and he replies in the affirmative which in the weird, wacky world of Peter, means he will.

Cisco and Rich are shopping like girls, and dishin’ like girls, and Rich wants props for kickin’ Jhonni to the pole. That earns him a chest bump. Whatta couple of losers, eh? Congratulatin’ each other on their whorescapades. Neither one of them is gettin’ anywhere near Beyonce’s chauffeur’s dog groomer’s second cousin twice removed but they’re acting like it. Cisco‘s bragging about his talking to Erica‘s sloppy seconds. Time to stop his “beast mode” as per Rich. He’s a beast all right.

Cyn and Chrissy meet up, these two know nothing ’bout men neither because Cyn tells it like Cisco was “professing his love” and Chrissy‘s like “not at your brother’s suicide prevention event” like it meant something, and I can’t believe I’m hearing this chit. Besides, Cyn claims she’s seeing a man named Ray that she’s known since school so she has “to nip this Cisco thing in the bud,” right away because, who knows, Cisco might get suicidal over her, she’s such a catch! Meanwhile, we all know Cisco just wants to knock boots. Then it’s Chrissy‘s turn to talk so she tells how Chink sent a car for her to go all the way down to “D.C.” as she calls Maryland, to meet his father so she can hear it from both of them that he ain’t getting a divorce no how, no way, no time. Ever. Never. Ever. Never. No matter how many fake braids she sticks in her scalp.

Next, Yandy’s meeting with some friends, she’s decided to correct the situation this time by having a “commitment to the journey of love” ceremony — where she’s gonna change her name. This way, the new baby will have the same last name as her. The whole family is invited by the way. Like that worked so well the last time they all got together.1

Jhonni is still crying about Rich, so she’s gonna tell his mommy, Jewel. It’s seems Rich’s mommy is also his Mommager. Like she’s the adult in this whole pretend business they got goin’ down. Now Jhonni wants out of her “contract.” Well, just wipe your butt with it, Jhonni. That’s what your contract is worth with these two. Jewel tells Jhonni to go scratch at Rich‘s door again.

Chrissy‘s sportin’ a wig that looks like she got it from the same Korean lady I buy my fake hair from at the Columbus Farmer’s Market in south Jersey. It’s pretty damn dull and lifeless. I’ve seen better hair on a bargain-bin Barbie at Toys-R-Us, if you know what I mean. Anyway, with this mop on her head, she goes to see Chink at his “studio.” Now, Chink seems to think that he and Chrissy are cool since D.C. Little does he know that Chrissy thinks it’s time to move in together — uh, yeah, even though he’s still married and told her so. She found a place in Jersey for the two of them. He looks like she hit him with a bag of shit. “I don’t need you to tell me where I can relocate to,” is Chink‘s succinct response. A normal person would take the hint. She didn’t so he has to throw in that no one tells him where to live ” ‘less I’m goin’ to jail.” Chrissy tells us in her short haired wig that she’s through with him — ’till next week at least.

Now Amina‘s crying to Cyn about Peter. Why didn’t she just stay in Germany, I wonder? Cyn tells Amina she saw Peter the other day, and he’s ready to settle down but she can’t tell her why. ROTFLMFAO!!

Yandy and Mendeecees‘ mom, Judy, are meeting at the spa and she tells Moms that she’s going to the commitment-change-my-name cermony. Now she’s calling it an “encouragement party.” Judy is confused and so are we. Everyone is confused except Yandy. It’s a celebration. It’s a ceremony. It’s a baby shower. It’s a party. It’s BULL CRAP, that’s what it is!

Back to Amina. She’s having a business meeting with Adrian, her former manager, in a restaurant because no one has a real business with an office on this show. It seems he got her all her deals. He says, “You’ve been signed by Russell Simmons, Clive Davis, L.A. Reid .” Yeah, and we still ain’t heard of her. You may have when she was Amina Buddafly, a.k.a., Aminata Schmahl, which is one half of Black Buddafly, with her sister, Sophie Schmahl, and back then, she had a couple of tunes out, but there wasn’t any hits coming from her, and certainly no real producer working with her except Orin Enis at Def Jam all the way back in 2005, so who knows what Adrian is talking about! *phew! take a breath girl!* Anyway, they’re playin’ like she’s gonna drop Peter as her manager and go back to Adrian. She trusts him because she used to boink him. Seems nobody’s in the 2-1-2 and nobody’s got an office, and nobody works with nobody they don’t sleep with, right? No wonder nobody making no hits. Adrian has another theory: “You’re not reaching your potential because you’re not emotionally stable.” Uh, okay Dr. Phil! Like we didn’t know she’s an idiotic train wreck? He gets her to repeat after him: It’s over with Peter.” Just no one’s told Peter yet.

Cisco is meeting up with Cyn in what he calls a private room in one of his favorite restaurants. I call it, “3:00 o’clock in the afternoon, and it’s empty ’cause everyone else is at work.” Cyn tells us — by reading off the teleprompter most likely — that she has to break it to Cisco gently that he’s the only one in the metro area she won’t sleep with any time soon. First, she tries the I-don’t-mix-business-with-pleasure routine, but even Cisco knows none of them do any business except appear on this show, so that excuse is gone. Next, she says,”This — This just isn’t for me.” My, how very Maya Angelou of her. The way she can turn a phrase, and carry on a conversation with such aplomb. No matter. Cisco seems to understand that this is where he takes a hike because he either a) got told by the producers of the show, or b) read the script. No Cisco/Cyn hook up this season.

Richie Rich Dollaz is meeting with Cory, his partner. Well, hello young lovers! It’s Joannie and Chachi –I mean Jhonni and Richie time again! Jhonni barges in and interrupts! How did she know they were there? Let’s see how long this takes. Wait for it . . . one minute! Boom! Jhonni starts in with how she gave our little Richie all of her heart after her “f–king dude died last year” and he’s going around “f–king bitches” and he don’t respect her and love her like she loves him. But he says that’s because she’s so cray cray. One more minute in, and she’s up from her seat in his face poking a long ass fingernail in his direction, screamin’ “What are you here for? What are you here for? What are you here for?” when the bodyguards come in to get between them. Commercial break.

They calm down and Rich tells her “I would love to be that dude that reigns Jhonni Blaze in . . . and you have a Grammy® on stage . . .because I thrive in them circumstances . . ” (uh, when did you ever thrive in “them circumstances?” I don’t remember ever seein’ him being thanked on the Grammys® do you?) but then he tells her to “tear up the contract. Throw it away!” but I say wait! That’s good paper you’re throwing away — there must be a puppy poo pad that needs replacing some where in town. He opens a box with an ugly ass watch in it and pushes it at her, and says, “But in spite of you and all the bullsh-t . . . thank you. Lex Diamond. My jeweler. For signing with Dollaz Unlimited. But you not even on Dollaz Unlimited no more. And with that, my (bleep), I’m done.” I wonder what the bleep was, don’t you? I’ve tried and tried and I can’t figure it out. Rich gets up, storms out and turns back to say, “And tell Cory you sorry for f–king up my meeting!” (Um, just one question: If this show isn’t a set up, how come he knew to bring that ugly ass watch to the bar to throw in her face?)

Poor little Jhonni. Richie walks out. She’s sobbing big heaping pools of fake tears at the bar in her 100% genuine polymeric fibers fur coat she got on sale at Daffy’s 10 years ago.

And with that, deuces up! I’m outta here!

________

*”Mother to Son” by Langston Hughes, American poet, social activist, novelist, playwright, and columnist.

 

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