Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: “Fashion Flare Up” [Episode 3]

Posted on Mar 19 2015 - 9:18pm by Carole B.

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Lydia and Chyka meet up for a liquid lunch to sate their thirst for gossip. “Miss Switzerland,” much to Lydia’s delight…spreads her juicy news bombshell that Gamble may have been a stripper or call girl to Lydia. Her motives are pure, she was only trying to give Gamble a heads up but Janet took things a touch too far… Janet said Gamble was involved in sex parties.

Meanwhile Jackie is getting primped to film a commercial for her product – the one she cannot pronounce – La Máscara premium liquor. Apparently moon-shine/shine/shine! is probably already taken. Hubby Ben walks her through several takes, but the correct pronunciation of la máscara simply refuses to roll off her linguistically lethargic tongue. You would think one of her angels would speak a little españolo (her word, not mine). “I do like to think that I take direction well, but I don’t like people telling me what to do,” is the paradox/logic behind her mounting frustration. Luckily, Jackie drops by the set for a surprise visit – to discuss the Gamble scandal.

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Janet feels that she has done the right thing in exposing the salacious rumors of Gamble’s wanton strumpet ways – after all, Chyka technically started it. She was only trying to help the poor girl. No good deed goes unpublished, and there’s no doubt that there’s drama a-brewing. Janet invites Jackie to a day on the greens with none other than good-time-girl Gamble. Hmmm, golf clubs can be lethal weapons. Fingers crossed that a Tiger Woods/Elin incident will not ensue. Jackie is undaunted by the looming danger as she launches into a shimmy amidst a swirling cloud of confetti and strobe lights. And…that’s a wrap. What is she advertising again?

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At chateau du Gamble, our wayward protagonist is girding her loins for battle – I mean primping for an evening at a fashion “parade” and pointedly ignoring calls from Chyka and Janet. At Pettifleur’s penthouse, “good friend” Charlotte – who also happens to shape P-fleur’s brow hedges for a living, has stopped by for a bit of tea…and we’re not just talking earl grey. It seems Charlotte is also collaborating on the epic tome, Switch the Bitch. In fact, from the sound of things, she may be the only one actually writing/pretending to write it. She claims she has completed 10 chapters while Pettifleur claims to have penned 20, though neither of them is very convincing. The BS (Bitch Switch) meter is spinning off the charts!

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There are some creative differences – Charlotte is writing an instructional guide on how to snare a man, while Pettifleur’s contribution is focused solely on how to Switch the Bitch. Petts is worried that their messages are not blending. She recounts tearing up whilst reading the book passages about her past struggles – and then gets misty eyed anew while reminiscing about that. This hall of floor mirrors is fogging up. She fires her brow-taming buddy from her global bestseller – soon to take the Chinese market by storm. “There are a lot of crazy Chinese bitches out there!” she gushes in greedy glee. Undaunted, Charlotte brings things back to earth, “So, when are you coming in to get your brows done?”

Cut to the Chadstone shopping mall fashion show – Janet is sweating balls of juvederm about Gamble’s imminent arrival. She is right to worry; Gamble arrives in a “filthy” mad state. She greets Jackie with a kiss and immediately launches into Janet about the pole/dancer/call-girl/sex party rumors. Janet again pleads her case that she was only looking out for Gamble’s best interests by letting her know the word on the street, you know in private/on international TV.

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Gamble counters with a jaw dropper of her own. “I heard you F**K for heroine!” Say what? Holy crocodile dundee! Alas, not true. In her interview she admits she made the whole thing up in the heat of the moment. Don’t think I read about that particular strategy in the Art of War. Gina arrives to pose for the fashion parade papparrazzi, calm, cool, and poised above the fray. She glides into the vipers nest of sequins and gets wind of the drama. She fans the flames by suggesting that Gamble is jealous of Janet’s flirtatious wiles with Wolfie at the murder mystery party. “You were doing the Marilyn Monroe and Bette Davis eyes all at once.” Gina quips with a superbly straight face. Priceless!

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Janet is incredulous, Gina has her against the ropes already! “Chyka’s the one who said it first,” Janet whimpers. Gamble just keeps imitating Janet by caterwauling and waving her arms around, “Everybody in Melbourne, everybody!” has been talking about it. “Janet is in the sh*t, I think Janet has been in the shit before.” Is Gina’s arched eyebrow verdict. As the food court fashion fete wraps up, Gina quizzes Janet about her party. “It seemed like you were grooming people to dislike me before I arrived.” Janet denies, denies, denies while Gamble starts again with the “Everybody in Melbourne” refrain. In her talking head, Gamble impersonates Janet’s response as: “Darling, you’re a whore, you’re a bitch, you’re a slut, you’re a stripper, but don’t shoot the messenger.” She is not accepting her apology.

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Somewhere on the sunny shores of Southbank Lydia is hanging with cricket legend Shane Warne and learning how to play poker for charity.  I know – so ironic that Gamble is nowhere in sight! As Lyds would say, Woah!! There’re a lot of story lines jam packed into this episode, with the blatant marketing of books/foundations/alcohol brands…krikey, we’re almost forgetting the point of the show – that these “ladies” are filthy mad/richer than god. Thankfully, Chyka steers us back on course. She reveals a dirty secret: she has so may clothes that she needs professional help in organizing it all. The poor thing resorts to recruiting her daughter and housekeeper to help sort through the deluge of designer duds. There is much snorting and scoffing and tossing Louboutins into the recycle bin that it made me want to compost my brand new hush puppies.

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Next, after all this needless couture culling, we cut to Janet who’s having lunch with her highfalutin friend, Manuela. They both giggle in glee about suppose sex parties, before getting perturbed that Gamble has time to do two pilates sessions a day. Who on god’s been earth has time to do two pilates sessions a day? A stripper, that’s who. Gamble decides that all this salacious stripper talk is alarming enough to consult an attorney. So, HELLO MATE, Gina, ESQ. is now in session.

Gina and Gamble have dinner – main course: interrogation. Gina is reading entrails – oracle of Toorak style. “Have you ever been a stripper or a prostitute? Have you ever had a sex party?” The answer to all three questions, says Gamble, is a resounding no. I dunno, sure took her long enough to summon righteous indignation. But why, Gina wonders, would Janet make all this up?? Hmmm…it seems the verdict is still out on Gamble’s best odds…

 

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About the Author

Carole B. is a San Francisco based writer whose passions include theater, dance, literature, travel and multi-cultural cuisine and deliciously trashy Reality TV. Keep up with Carole: Twitter * Website