It’s a new day in Amsterdam, as we rejoin the jet setting cast of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Flowers are a perfect remedy for covering up the stink of this trip, so the women meet up to smell the tulips and souvenir shop. We hear of Brandi picking up a poor unsuspecting post-adolescent in her go-to neighborhood, and learn that ‘Amsterboy’ is a lad who went to school with Queen Lisa‘s son, Max. Brandi proudly brags to Kim that she was ‘up all night’ and that Andre asked her out on a date, (in that order) which brings delighted giggles from Kim. Brandi keeps Kim amused by retelling the Queen smack story, as we watch her buy a cheap bunch of flowers to keep the rinse and repeat apology after the ‘going too far’ routine going. The women scamper around and ooh and aah over the dollar store junk merchandise that they would never dream of looking at back home, because somehow shopping with a real Dutch gal in authentic footwear makes a tacky tourist shop, super cool.
Brandi approaches Queen Lisa with a smirk on her face, and about a half a dozen apology bouquets, and offers her one. Queen Lisa gives her a ‘have you seen the flowers in my palace?’ look, as Brandi bleats another whiny sorrrrry. Lisa challenges her to think before she camera hogs, and Brandi throws her a ‘dream on’ expression, behind her shades. Queen Lisa is on her own rinse and repeat cycle, when she proclaims that Brandi’s treatment of her is unacceptable, and nails Yolanda for for being a big lemony priss in how she coddles the chronic a**hole.
We sit in on a phone call between Lisa and Ken, and Ken expresses immediate Glanville revulsion, even before he hears about the Queen smack. Hopefully Bravo is listening to Ken’s sage “get away from her” advice when deciding on next season’s cast! Yo pops in on Brandi who is busting her hump to pull off looking 30, to try and talk some sense into her, because she is realizing that coddling a train wreck isn’t that cool after all. Yo reminds her that she’s been voted the most popular attention whoring mess, and Brandi maturely responds by pointing out that giving an hormone charged date something to brag about will be WAY more fun than hanging with women a few years older than her. Yo pulls a Captain Obvious, and comments that Brandi is exhausting and responds like a child. What is Dutch for DUH?
It’s time for dinner on the canal with Yo’s family, and with Brandi away, the women are excited for a gloriously peaceful time. Humping a 22 year old is A-OK as long as Brandi is far, far away, with the only worry being that Andre will probably jump on the phone with Max to brag about bagging an old broad. Brandi arrives at the restaurant, and commits to controlling her panting, while waiting for her overdue dutch boy.
Back on the canal, Yo is telling a story of dating Julio Iglesias, which makes her extra fab in Lisa Rinna’s eyes. Brandi is flushed and giggly, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s drunk, or just super youthful for the night. The women banter about international sex games, but Brandi is doing it for real, so she declares herself the winner.
Back in Beverly Hills, Brandi meets up with Yo at a hybrid spa/medical facility where she shares that her dad is experiencing health issues. She is sad and scared, but begins her facial, while Yolanda gets hooked up to a vitamin drip IV, presumably prescribed by the resident spa quack. Brandi believes that Lisa R should have been hauled off by the cops, and Yo nails her for comparing one incident to behaving continuously obnoxious. Brandi squeaks out frozen-faced droplets, and blubbers about how her weekly trashy antics are judged super harsh, while the rest of this old lady cast are let off the hook. Maybe Brandi should have just honestly expressed worried sadness over her father’s illness, but instead she brings up the excused offense of Shardgate, and the cold injustice of her constant gutter mouth, sloshed stumbling, and calculated mischief not being regularly pardoned. Yolanda reminds Brandi that she has a good heart, and informs us that it is her mission to teach Brandi that fear and rejection shouldn’t make you behave like a jerky trashbox.
It’s time for a blast from the past, because Kim is meeting up with Adrienne and her Hoofs, to check out her latest tacky party plan, and to gossip about the trip. Kim rambles on about Lisa R questioning her identity as a non-junkie, and how she went off on her, inviting the wine tsunami. Kim leaves out all of the nasty, insulting dialogue that kicked off the festivities, and instead blames her sister for not defending her lunatic outburst. Meanwhile, Lisa R and Kyle are having dinner, and Kyle expresses that it’s worrisome that she and Kim aren’t communicating, even in their menopausal years. Kyle wants to invite Kim for a sleepover, and Lisa agrees that it’s a great idea to deal with it…but walking away might work too. Kim is angry and hurt, because Kyle left her doused in wine, and didn’t stay and mop her off like the good sister, Kathy would have. Adrienne makes the most of her cameo, and whips out an inspiring light at the end of the tunnel, forgiveness lesson. Lisa spills to Kyle about her conversation with Brandi, and the big revelation thatBrandi knows that Kim is kinda doped is out of the bag. Lisa encourages honesty, and reminds us that the truth has to be silent, because talking about Kim’s “SITUATION” is strictly off limits.
Kyle has a love affair with the desert, and we get an inside peek at the pricey digs that make this relationship mega comfy. The house is lovely, and as we wait for Kim to arrive,Kyle expresses worry over how Kim will take the super awkward showdown that is about to take place. We skip over to Pump where Queen Lisa is performing a gay wedding, and after the ceremony, we are back in the desert with Kyle and now Kim. Kim takes in the snazzy surroundings, and tries to not twitch and reveal her jealousy. We are reminded that Kyle bought Kathy and Kim out of their parents’ home, and how far they have come since that revealing, and pretty epic limo battle. The pair sit down to hash it out, and Kim informs Kyle that she is quite a different user than she used to be. She rambles on, blaming Lisa R for being honest out loud, and Kyle nobly defends Lisa’s motives. Kim pleads her case, and Kyle says HELLO, this is stemming from the junkie meltdown at Eileen’s house.
Kyle resents Kim trusting Brandi over her, and spills the tea that Brandi has been high fiving Lisa R behind her back. Kim begins screeching about their parents house sale, and gets angry when Kyle catches her obvious confusion about the course of events. LIAR!! is screeched, the tears begin, hugs are given…and the “process” continues. How sadly predictable.Finale time is next week…our last episode before the sure to be crazy reunion begins!