When last we left our favorite Persians plus 1, that 1 — the newly minted Jewish American Princess — had left pretending she had to be at work in the morning, leaving Mike with the gang. Everyone’s having a bast in the pool, as long as people remember MJ is not a flotation device. As soon as Jessica left, Mike loosened up and removed the poker out of his koon. (Yes, kids, reality TV does have some educational value. Can you say, “koon?”) Shervin gets things going with a little shimmy and of course, Reza yells, out “Whip out the dool!” Shervin is one fine Persian man. He’s so fine, he’s got an 8-pack! Reza points out to us that Jessica is gone and Mike is having fun. “Mental Note.” I think we’ve cured Mike‘s koonhole problem.
Adam and Reza wake up in a happy, sunny mood, then Reza brings up Adam‘s family coming this week. Yikes! I wouldn’t! We just woke up sooooo happy, guys! Come on! Adam‘s dad is ex-military, homophobic, and rigid, according to Adam. Sounds like a great time will be had as soon as he arrives. Maybe they can talk about nuclear proliferation treaties or, well, sumthin’. I hope the mother’s nice!
Time for breakfast, and it’s being made for them so they don’t have to cook, which is good, because GG is hung over and needs a drink. Asifa has a problem with the sausage. She’s looking at it like she’s never seen one.”What about Donbalaan?” asks Reza. “That’s actually good,” says Shervin. Asifa elucidates: “Even though I’m Persian Indian, I didn’t grow up eating a lot of Persian food being the fact that my mom is Indian, and she makes Indian food.” I guess she didn’t grow up going to a lot of her English classes either, being the fact that she is having trouble with her grammar again.
People are coming over around 2, and it’s 11 am now, so it’s time for a round of shots. Wonder what kind of shots they do? I only do Jack Daniels so at 11 am, that would be kinda rough. Ah, there it is. Asifa wants straight tequilla and lime because beer makes her burp a lot. Mike wants to make amends with Asifa and Bobby, so he tells them he’s going to propose to Jessica in a couple of weeks when they go skydiving. I don’t know if he’s already taken out the insurance policy on her or not. Asifa and Bobby look politely thrilled with this peace offering via sharing.
Time for more shots and then the guests arrive – so many I can’t keep track but there’s one called Kaz that I wouldn’t kick outta bed for eatin’ crackers. And, he came in a Rolls. My friend let me look at his Rolls once, but he wouldn’t let me touch it.
MJ grabs one of the less attractive guys who’s one of Reza‘s friends, and talks about the bachelor party. They know that Asa‘s party for Adam will be a bore. For Reza, they think Vegas is a definite, then MJ throws out “we need to arrange for some twinks. We need some virgins from the Midwest. So he’s going to have sex. So we need to arrange that.” The not so good-looking guy seems confused. So was I. So I looked it up in my dictionary:
Twink: An attractive, boyish-looking, young gay man. The stereotypical twink is 18-22, slender with little or no body hair, often blonde, dresses in club wear even at 10:00 AM, and is not particularly intelligent. A twink is the gay answer to the blonde bimbo cheerleader.
We learn something every day, don’t we? Now, which shop will MJ get these twinks at in Vegas? Is there a Dial-A=Twink service in Vegas?
“Shervin‘s friend, Bobby, is also a good friend of mine. He’s very rich and he loves to have good time,” says Reza. I say, he’s an obnoxious balding twit, who gets laid because he’s hanging around Shervin, but what do I know? Perhaps I should give him a chance, eh? Reza actually thinks Bobby and GG would be a good match, and he can’t understand when she’s skeeved out. She politely says, “He’s not my type.” “Why” “He doesn’t have tattoos.” So, Reza yells across the patio and asks Bobby if he’s willing to get a tattoo. He responds, “I have one.” “Where?” “On my penis. It’s a small one. Not the penis, well, the penis is (inaudible). Ha ha ha ha!”
Asifa says, “That’s disgusting. That’s way too much information.” Bobby says, “I was talking to them anyways. Just mind your own business.” “Just STFU!” “Don’t talk to my girl like that, period!” “Why don’t you both STFU?” From here on in, we will call Asifa‘s Bobby, Bobby, and the other one, Bald Bobby. Bald Bobby tells Bobby, “You’re fine, trust me! You’re the only one that’s ever talked this girl, relax.” Ouch! Everyone’s talking at once, then Kaz comes over and introduces himself to Bald Bobby, who promptly says, “At least you’re not an ugly Indian girl.” Boom!
Now Asifa has to tell us in her talking head that she got made fun of a lot as a kid because she’s Indian, Persian and American. She’s also gorgeous. (She should try being short, fat, transparently white, and nicknamed, Wilma the Whale and see how that feels.) So now comes the tale of woe . . . violins, please.
“I remember that part of my life so vividly and it was such a bad place that I don’t want to relive it,” she tells us. (She should try having to go to the senior prom with your brother because no one would take you — not even the biggest geek in school — and your mother cutting your bangs so short they stuck outwards like shingles which looked great with the $30 polyester sea-foam green prom dress your mom bought at K-mart for you. Puleeze, girl)
Let it suffice to say, Bald Bobby gets called a racist, and he wants to know if anyone there is from the NAACP, then Bobby and Bald Bobby start going at it and security jumps in to break them apart, but not before bald Bald Bobby can say things like, “I’ll rip your f—ing veneers out!” That must be Beverly Hills gang talk.
Reza says it’s clear he has to support Asifa and Bobby in this one. Bald Bobby is escorted out as Asifa is whining, “Bobby, I heard him, I heard him punch Bobby so hard!” Reza tells us this is the Devil’s Staycation. “I think this house is built over some ancient burial ground.”
Some of the guys give Bobby props for defending his girl, but Mike is busy with texts from Jessica and telling Reza he’s gotta go home.
Dinner! We’re eating again?? No wonder MJ can’t lose a pound! Anyway, Reza and Asa are sitting next to each other talking like honeymooners, which pisses off MJ. So, it’s a good time for her to announce that Reza‘s bachelor party is going to be at the same time as Adam‘s bachelor party which is being hosted by Asa, and that nobody can go to both. Asa immediately wants to know why, because Reza‘s her friend, too. Asa tells us MJ is jealous of her.
Reza tries to calm everything down by saying how great it is they are all together, breaking bread on their last night. Then he says, “P.S. All you muthaf–kers are uninvited to the bachelor party because you’re all a rowdy, fighting bunch of muthaf–kers.” Wait a beat. Adam laughs.
Next morning, we’re at Reza‘s place, and they’re talking about Andy‘s parents, “Mr. and Mrs. Old MacDonald” as he endearingly calls them. Reza‘s wondering if they’ll bring them a present, because you know Persians would never dream of showing up anywhere without a present for the Hostess. Well, honey child, all us non-Persians were brought up the same way. It’s an age thing. It’s a “Our Generation” thing. We’re old, Reza, let’s face it. Anyway, I can smell trouble coming if Reza keeps this up, and it doesn’t smell like Clive Christian No. 1 Pure Perfume for Men. It smells like Old Spice.
Meanwhile, back at the play pen, Asifa is trying to work, and GG comes home, puts on her onesie with the monkey feet and promptly starts annoying Asifa. Ya just gotta wonder why Asifa can’t rent a studio apartment till Bobby gets his sh*t together. Anyway, it looks like she locks herself in a bathroom to get away from GG.
Back to the Bickersons. Seems both Reza and Adam are nervous, and Reza has booked a haunted Hollywood tour for the family since he thinks that’s what Okies like. I suspect he’s imagining they’ll arrive in an old Model T Ford pickup with a rocking chair in the back for the Missus to sit in. Adam tells Reza to call his Mom, Miss Ellen. Reza wants to call his dad, Colonel Mustard, and Adam says, sure. Doorbell! I’ll get it! Oh look, it’s the Okies and they don’t look like Ma and Pa Joad! They look, well, normal. The Dad is even smiling as Adam hugs his mom! Awwww. Dad shakes Adam‘s hand and gives him the typical manly hug, like David Letterman greeting George Clooney onto the stage. Miss Ellen sees Reza and goes in for the sugar, and says, “Hi, so glad to meet you!” Dad and Reza shake hands, then do the man hug, then Dad puts out his hand for the fist bump! Well, this is going darn good, don’t you all think so? As they leave for the haunted tour, Reza says, “Can’t wait to hear all about Oklahoma!” and Adam‘s Dad says, “You really want to?” I like him!
Now, the tour. I think Reza should have checked into it a little more closely, because the host of the bus starts in the story of Virginia Rappe then goes on to the Black Dahlia murder, and it’s just gross. So Reza breaks the ice a bit, then Dad tells him a story about how Adam cut the garden hose once, and all is well. Where is the mean man they were all expecting? He’s even commenting on the how pretty the Wisteria Trees are!
Back to Reza‘s and the parents arrive and all the good. Then, for some Godforsaken reason, they go into the gay thing, and Adam recounts how pissed his father was, threatening that if he moved to LA, he come after him with a baseball bat. Dad doesn’t remember saying that. And you know what? I say let’s change the topic, and stop putting Dad in the hot seat when he’s being so polite. 30 years in the military, and you want the Dad from Family Ties to magically appear? Adam‘s going for the jugular and complaining that his Dad would never have come out if he wasn’t invited. Well, duh! I don’t go anywhere I’m not invited. His Dad finally has to speak up and says, “You three boys never call me.” Adam goes, “Why’s that?” OMG! WTF! Adam continues, “It’s like, I have a father, but I don’t have a father figure.” STFU! How about you don’t have the father that you want, how about that? I’m ready to bitch slap this kid. But his Dad is a good guy, unlike me. Get this one — Dad says, “That’s true. I’ve pushed you aside some of the times. I pushed all three of the boys. I’ve been wrong in that. I understand. I’m bull-headed. Extreme, okay. You know I’d wish I’d been around a little bit more to help you guys grow a little bit.” Reza gives Pops props. Adam‘s still being bitchy and says he needs to hear he’s loved. Guess what? Dad does it. He says he loves him, and he has three boys he believes he loves equally, which prompts Reza to tell Adam to go give him a hug. They do. So much for bullsh*t whining about intolerant parents, Adam.
Dontcha love a happy ending, kids? 🙂
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.