Finally — FINALLY — the torture has come to end. We’ve given up every secret we’ve ever had plus a fake combination to the safe at Ft. Knox just to get out of this living hell. They’ve only been there for two weeks but we’ve been suffering through this mess of a show for ten!
We start with the guys in their own room and the girls in their own room because this is the day the couples will find out if they are getting a ring again and going to stay together. Is a fake a realty show admissible in Divorce Court? The girls are concerned that Rachel won’t get a ring from Tyson, and we’re concerned that they might do a reunion special on this show and we’d have to watch it again. As Spencer says, “I’m so over it. Get me outta here.” Everyone is acting like Rachel and Tyson not being married seems to be the big issue for everyone, since it’s a given that none of this makes any difference to the married couples. The game changer for them is whether or not to give up their Sam’s Club card and switch to Costco, so they all focus their energy on Rachel and Tyson, who, let’s face it, no one really cares about. They’re like that annoying couple you have to invite to your parties because they’re friends of somebody else’s friends. Tyson explains in his monotone voice that “now the pressure is really on.” Yeah. Sure.
Some, like Spencer, pretend like there is a real choice to make. Natalie pretends she’s afraid she might not get her ring back because of her “career” posting on Instagram. Kiwane pretends he’s worried he might lose his meal ticket. Spencer pretends he’s worried Heidi has somewhere else to go.
So on to the phony baloney ring ceremony with the deal breaker questions. Natalie’s question was if she’d give up her “career” for Jacob, and it turns out that she lied when she said “Yes.” Doesn’t really matter though because the ring box was already loaded or unloaded before they stepped up. Of course, they both give each other their rings back because they’re co-dependent. Jacob‘s a loser who’s not giving up Natalie‘s Instagram money. Spencer and Heidi give each other their rings back even though they haven’t learned a thing. Like, F the baby thing anyway — who else would have them? Aviva and Reid are really married and committed so of course they’ll stay together. Syleena and Kiwane, same result — where are they going without each other? Nowhere, that’s where.
So if there’s any “drama” — and I use that term so loosely that if it was a string, it couldn’t hold a fly — it’s the ringers, Rachel and Tyson, who aren’t married so who really cares. Breaking up means nothing because there is no common law marriage in California so there’s no joint property. Continuing in their relationship means nothing because Rachel‘s still stuck with Spicoli. Well, Tyson decides he should propose, and she says yes when he pops open an engagement ring. So nothing’s changed. All is right with the world — or at least the same as it was 10 weeks ago — with the exception that the end titles tell us that Rachel and Tyson got married in a small ceremony. Of course it was small — just like Tyson.
Ciao for now!
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.