Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Brandi Glanville Slaps Lisa Vanderpump [Episode 17]

It’s a new day in Amsterdam on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and as the women convene in the lobby, it’s a perfect day to shove the glass shards under the rug and move on. Everyone is ready to put on a happy face, except Yolanda, who wakes up feeling physically and emotionally sick. Her illness, and hosting a bunch of dramatic women has caused her body and mind to feel bad, so after a finger pointing pep talk with Kyle, she decides to stay in bed. Yo believes that although it’s burdensome, putting up with an unstable sister is Kyle’s calling.   Kyle informs Yo that she wants to tell Kim to take this job and shove it, and that her mother should have given her a brother instead. Kyle explains that her sister’s rants make her sick, and Yo minimizes the twisted mess by labeling it as “fighting,” and wishes that a squirt of lemon perfection could fix a decades long, convoluted wreck of a relationship.

Brandi and Kim are going shopping, and Queen Lisa and Lisa R join them, because spending cash, and pretending that nothing disturbing is going on is the best way to deal with shell shock. Eileen opines that some culture would be more fun than hanging with these loons in denial, so she and Kyle hit the Rembrandt museum, as we proceed to jump back and forth between the two groups. Kyle and Eileen enjoy the art and make silly comments about the paintings, pose on the Amsterdam letters, and go for chocolate and coffee. The larger group shops in a gravel floored store, and gawks at trashy lingerie, always the perfect setting for some Bravo-appropriate, tacky banter. Eileen and Kyle discuss the night before, and how bizarre it is that Lisa R is visiting the Amsterdam asylum and not including them. We learn that Yo pushed Kim to apologize to Lisa, which makes Eileen wonder where she and Kyle stand in the apology queue. Kyle asks for reassurance that she is a swell sibling, and Eileen redirects her to seeking resolution, rather than unproductive validation.

Eileen and Lisa R go for a glass of wine, review the horror of Shardgate, and we hear Eileen ask Lisa how she is able to function in the aftermath of such weirdness. Lisa explains that she is terrified of Kim, and she has made up her mind to only chat about sex toys with that hot mess when Bravo forces her to. Eileen is miffed that nothing is being dealt with honestly, and that her defense of Lisa’s right to not eat bread was not reciprocated. Lisa reminds us that the junkie fear is real, you can’t reason with a crazy addict, and she is hitting the self-protect mode button on this one. I can’t say that I blame her! Lisa believes that Eileen should talk to Kim on her own, but she’s staying safely in survival mode.

Yolanda pulls herself together later that evening, and is excited to show the women the canals. They chat about their day, and Lisa admits that she relied on shopping to get her over her traumatized state. Queen Lisa speaks TRUTH when she admits that faking friendly civility works like a charm, but Kyle calls BS on being a lame, red lipstick wearing, step-ford wife. Brandi admits that she’s been an a**hole to Eileen, but she doesn’t appreciate being called out as a pizza slopping, driveway boozer. Eileen admits that she did state that Brandi is a mean drunk, and owns every claim that she made about the sick dynamic between she and Kim. Eileen spills her guts, and frankly nails the situation. Kim thinks that Eileen is unfair to call her out on her user habits, and no one except the five-time crapped on veterans, AKA the rest of the cast, should approach her about it.

Brandi scolds Eileen for blurting life changing accusations, because she doesn’t want any copy catter stealing her camera time. Brandi remarks that everyone has vices, and snarks that Queen Lisa sleeps around, and that Eileen is a home-wrecker, knocking it out of the park with her blurting expertise. Eileen responds negatively, and Kim lightly chirps that everyone should lighten up, and laugh off Brandi’s attempt to lighten the mood with her witty accuser skills. Yo leaves the group to eat dinner, and Queen Lisa joins her, leaving the others bleating in the corner. Eileen and Lisa R follow, and Kyle and Brandi snipe at each other while Kim basks in the bliss of being the center of such rapt, passionate attention.  Kim is hurt, by the way, in case any of you have forgotten her permanent, self-absorbed state for the last five minutes.

Brandi suggests that the women take turns complimenting each other, and everyone but Brandi thinks quickly, and manages some positive words. There’s a sweet moment between Queen Lisa and Kyle, and Lisa R lovingly expresses that Kim is her favorite irrational junkie. Kyle and Kim hug it out, and agree to return to their comfy-cozy sisterly dysfunction. Brandi throws surface compliments at all of the women, cleverly stating that nothing on their insides is worth a semi-kind word.  She touchingly describes her friend Kim, as a f**ked up ray of sunshine, and bolts when it’s her turn, so she doesn’t have to watch the women shoot looks, and grapple for sincerity. Our little f**ked up sun ray goes and fetches Brandi from the bathroom, who emerges looking as though she forgot to put her pants back on. A few of the women force feed Brandi some flattery, and aside from a couple of nice moments, the entire scene is contrived and stupid.

The boat docks, and obviously there has been plenty of drinking time, because Brandi, the stumbling lush has shown up. She tries to corner Queen Lisa for a puffy lipped smooch, and playfully slaps Lisa’s face when she tries to escape with her bedazzled hat in tact.  Lisa is not amused, and regrets the brain power it took to  grasp for a few nice words for such a pushy trashbox.

Jump forward to the next morning, as we watch Queen Lisa and Kyle schlep up a flight of stairs to eat giant pancakes, and Yo and Brandi in another eatery, discussing the smack heard around Amsterdam. Yo, Lisa, and Kyle all agree for the millionth time that Brandi has no boundaries, Kyle takes us back to kindergarten, reminding us all that a slap is NEVER, EVER okay, and Brandi works hard to stifle a smirk, clearly pleased with herself for upstaging Lisa Rinna before the trip was over. Amsterdam becomes a memory next week, as we wave good-bye to Holland, and head home! See you then!

 

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