Oh, little Jessica, what a tangled web we weave when we date a male chauvinist pig. First thing this episode? “Mike, you’re gonna help me make the bed.” No answer. Repeat three times and bang your head on the wall if you wanna walk in Jessica’s shoes. Next, it’s breakfast time. Jessica needs to be at work in 30 minutes and guess who’s making the breakfast for Mike, the Lion King? Then the great news that a temple has accepted them as members but it’s not the same one his parents attend! Yeah! Jessica tells Mike that she loves his Mom, but he’s got to cut the cord. Mike tells us that Jessica‘s getting a little too assertive. Then Jessica tells Mike she can’t understand how he can hang out with those friends of his. He tells her, they all have c–k envy.
On to Asa‘s place, and we see her “run” to the front door to let in Reza, MJ, and GG. Well, it’s a trot really. They’re all going to eat again and talk about Mike. They all feel a big disconnect with Mike. Yeah, like he’s an a–hole? Wrong guess. They think it’s because he doesn’t want to get married, and GG blurts it out that “He tried to f–k me in Turkey!” Asa trots to the kitchen immediately to get the alcohol. GG tells us the horrifying story of how she was letting Mike play with her thong in the nightclub and lean all over her, but when he wanted to mount her, she told him, “Get the f–k away from me!” and she left. Seems GG is still upset about it, but Reza comes up with a great idea! He makes everyone pinky swear they will never talk about it. No matter how might they fight. And so, the countdown begins . . .
Asifa is moving in with Bobby at some point, but her lease has run out so she’s going to stay with GG. First thought, how long will this friendship last? Second thought, how long before someone gets cut? GG shows Asifa her room which has a twin bed, and Asifa only sleeps on a California King so something must be done about that. My suggestion? Go to a hotel with a California King suite. My second suggestion? Sleep on the dang twin bed. Asifa also doesn’t like GG‘s housekeeping habit which appears to be non-existent. There are clothes and bags on the floor of Asifa‘s new crash pad! She’s appalled! Even though they’ve been friends for 10 years? Why, yes! It seems in 10 years, she’s never noticed GG is a slob. Then, GG decides it’s rule time. No guys in the house. No complaining about her routine. Figure out how to work at home around GG. GG then demonstrates how this is going to be: She’s on the chaise lounge with her remote, her phone, and Toucan, her big-ass knife. She has knives hidden all around the condo. That’s another thing her friend of 10 years doesn’t know. Surprise, Surprise.
MJ knows a guy named Kaz who’s good-looking and single and wants her advice on how to remodel his house. Why MJ is now the Jeff Lewis of the crew is beyond me, but she tells him to “level it and put in a big glass wall.” Well, sounds like a plan. In the meantime, MJ‘s head keeps telling us how cute he is, how horny Persians are, how they can’t keep it in their pants, and how she can’t do anything because she’s going out with the guy who looks like he’s an old man. She gets a hold of Kaz‘s phone and he gives her the code and she uses it to send herself his files. So now, MJ tells him about all the pictures she just downloaded and one seems to be a full-frontal of Kaz. She’s gonna keep it, which is okay by him. When will this explode in her face? And so, the countdown begins…
Jessica‘s on the last step of her conversion to Judaism and she’s on the beach with the female rabbi from the Malibu Jewish Center. No kidding. This is the temple they’ve picked. Malibu. Far away from his family, but close to the posers. Mike watches as Jessica goes in the ocean. She comes out crying and today she is a man. I mean woman. I mean Jew. Mazel tov!
Asifa and Bobby go shopping for clothes for her, because hey, what guy doesn’t want to do that, right? They start discussing their 60-day probationary period where Asifa has to pass some tests before they can get married again. Like get along with his mother, get along with his dog, and get along with the rest of the world. In other words, he wants her to STFU. Asifa tells him, “I’m a lady of the streets and a freak in the sheets, what more do you want?” Well, that sums it up nicely. Bobby tells her a “hot mute would be perfect.” And so, the countdown begins . . .
Everyone’s arriving at the rental house in Malibu and claiming rooms. This is the “staycation.” Funny, I’m so naive. I thought they were actually rich and had second homes on the beach. Immediately Mike has to relive the fight with Bobby. The girls get into it, and Asifa asks Jessica, “Are you a are you a lady or are you an orangutang . . . I prefer not to talk to you because I don’t talk to hyenas.” At which point, the producers cut in the bit from last week where Jessica scratched Bobby on the back. They continue to the part about talkin’ smack about Mike’s penis. Reza sums it up perfectly for us: “It’s only been fourteen minutes and we’re already talking about the dool?” Mike takes Bobby outside and reads him the riot act on how these are his friends. Mike tells us, “he owes me an apology and until I get one, he’s not going to have a good time on this vacation.”
Everyone’s having dinner together and they toast Jessica for becoming Jewish for her man. Meanwhile, her man is pouting and Reza tells us he’s waiting for Mike to pop off. Adam asks Asa to be his maid of honor. Uh oh. Now Mike is pouting because he doesn’t have a job for the wedding. He wanted to be asked to be the maid of honor. Adam tells him if he called or texted sometime, he might have been asked. Boom! So now he has more to pout about. Then Reza asks about dools. Now it’s Jessica‘s time to pout. Jessica announces she’s leaving. She has to work in the morning. Everyone knows it’s because she hates their guts. Why Mike doesn’t go with her is beyond me. Oh, that’s right. He doesn’t work.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.