Yandy has a friend named Kimbella. Yes, I spelled that right. Kimbella. Anyway, once we get passed the name and make sure we’ve got it right, we have to hear Yandy complain about Mendeecees to yet another person. I sure am having a hard time figuring out what the heck Yandy is doing hanging around that mess when she actually had a career at one point in her life. Seems like it’s all been downhill since hooking up with this loser. Let’s see what Kimbella thinks, shall we? When Yandy relates how Mendeecees was talkin’ ’bout her disrespecting him as a man, Kimbella says, “You probably did!” Wow. Best friend, eh? No wonder — she’s the only woman in New York that’s more stupid than Yandy.
Diamond is going in Jacques Torres Chocolates where I suppose she can afford to buy one piece of chocolate and one coffee and that’s about it, unless the show picks up the tab. She’s meeting her friend, Marge, who doesn’t need to be eating any chocolate. Diamond just has to tell her how she’s so into Rich now. She doesn’t think he’s “shady.” Marge warns her, “Just be careful.”
Tara meets up with Rich at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que in Harlem, which is not the best Bar-B-Que so they’re just using it as a meet up spot because no one is in there. When you’re in Harlem, go over to Polanco on Adam Clayton Boulevard instead. That’s the real deal. I wish I had me some Polanco right now! Anyway, back to Tara. Seems she wants to work again so of course she’s meeting up with Rich because he is the only businessman in the entire metropolitan, tri-state area, dontchaknow? Now, here’s the business plan: Teaching etiquette to “artists” who know how to behave on stage but don’t know simple courtesy and consideration off stage. Sounds like she’ll have a lot of clients if someone could tie these people down long enough to listen to her. Seems Rich is needed to throw a launch party for this cockamamey idea. In return, Rich wants to dump Jhonni Blaze in Tara‘s lap and see if she can turn her into Eliza Doolittle — before Professor Higgins got a hold of her — that would be a 110% success story. Jhonni Blaze waddles in with a Cinnabon on the top of her head and a butt that needs its own “wide load” sign on it, complete with back up signals. Jhonni tells Tara she plays “six instruments, I write, I compose, I sing, engineer –” basically your all around utility player in the studio who some how has to be a stripper to make a living. As Teresa Giudice would say, “Prostitution drug whore!” Go figure. Jhonni tries to kiss Rich on the cheek and he’s having none of that, so she takes her two paws and grabs him like a casaba melon and plants one on him.
Peter, Peter, Peter. Seems he mentors kids because he’s such a sterling example of manhood. He’s decided to show the kids another star in the firmament of “Great Men Who Have Turned Their Lives Around.” Gentlemen, I give you Mendeecees. It’s just insane that anyone would sit there and listen to him. After his inspirational talk how you shouldn’t go around killing people, we move on to Mendeecees putting his shoulder out for Peter to cry on about Amina since Tara dumped him and he’s only got Amina now, who’s went to Hamburg. Then Peter hears Mendeecees’ tale of woe. I’ve never seen such girlie men in my life.
Back to Rich. Now he’s meeting up with Diamond because according to him, “She’s been coming on mad strong.” Well, could be because you kissed her and commented on her titties. Nah, it’s gotta be because he’s simply irresistible to women. He tells us he’s got to respect Cisco and not go “drilling for diamonds” — yeah, he said that — so he’s been avoiding her till he can tell her whatsup wit dat. When he says he’s trying to respect Cisco, Diamond reads him the riot act on how he should just tell her and stop talking to her. Seems Diamond actually knows how you don’t get yourself in a mess. Rich, of course, can’t understand this. He seems to think they can still talk and stuff when we all know the only reason he’s talking to her is to get in her pants. Diamond tells him he needs to get it straight and either let Cisco run his life, or run his own.
Now, the wheels are turning, and Rich, the dog, is seeing how to play this. He’ll just be a creep like he always is and that’s one problem solved. He tells her, “I wanna go in the bathroom and knock your screws loose.” She gets up and goes into the ladies room and he follows her, and the mics are turned off. Why, producers, why? You deny us the fun of hearing that dumb-ass lovemaking technique of Rich Dollaz? How cruel! Oh, and let me retract that statement about Diamond knows how you don’t get yourself in a mess, because nothing spells mess like sex in a restaurant bathroom. Why not just tattoo “Ho that will do anything for you” on your neck? Darryl must be so proud.
Amina and Tara meet up to have a play date with the kids. Yeah. Times are desperate. Amina spins her tale of woe to Tara about Peter showing up in Germany. As Tara puts it, “Hell has frozen over.” Why on Earth she’d want to sit and listen to Amina talk about Peter is beyond me — oh, wait. I see. It’s a TV show. There’s no self-respect involved her. Tara tells her to “hold your gun and do what’s best for you,” so now we know Tara doesn’t watch Westerns. The correct phrase would be “stick to your guns,” unless in the hood they really do mean hold your gun and shoot the mutha. I give up.
Rashidah Ali, the shoe expert, is with Rich and Diamond at some dive bar, and Diamond is being all possessive about Rich, and Rashidah is being all crazy about how she’s delusional about Rich, and Rich is being all like, “I gotta sit down,” but you can see he’s lovin’ all this attention on him. Then Rich tells us, that he may have banged her in the bathroom but he’s not her man. He’s just being generous letting her sit with him. Erica shows up next and sits down, and Rich decides it’s time to get a drink. Erica and Diamond are left there, not even knowing each other, but jumping into a conversation about how women go crazy over Rich — well, let’s not get carried away — and Diamond tells her “They gonna get f–ked up.” Erica is all like, whatchusay? And Diamond clarifies, “That’s my boo.” Uh, okay. Doesn’t the use of the word boo imply something more than banging boots in the public bathroom? Rich finally comes back to the table to find out that Diamond has claimed him as her boo and that she’s gonna f–k up anyone that comes near him. Rich looks surprised, like she should understand that using you and tossing you away like a dirty wet-nap at Red Lobster is where it’s at with him. Was he not clear about that? Obviously not.
Yandy decides to meet Mendeecees at a restaurant in the West Village because goodness knows they’re never at home together to talk, right? Mendeecees apologizes for being an idiot. Yandy apologizes for being mad at him. Mendeecees understands that she is busy with work, but he’s “home now and I have my own empire to run . . .” Yeah. Empire. He’s Berry Gordy. Give me a break, and I don’t mean no Kit-Kat bar! I hope the prison knows he’s got an empire to run. Mendeecees tells her she should be home because she’s a woman and she needs to be a housewife. He seems to forget that she’s paying the bills. They’re both nuttier than a super-size can of Planter’s.
Amina goes to the studio where Peter is pretending to rehearse “songs” so she can tell him to move out of the house. She wants to be alone for a bit. Peter, who’s no stranger to leaving her alone for long periods of time, all of a sudden has a problem with it because he knows he can’t go mooch off of Tara this time. So, how does he try to win this debate? He tells Amina if he’s out there, he’s single, and he can do what he wants. Well, there’s a real threat. Goodbye and good riddance I say. Hopefully, Amina leaving the studio means she agrees with me and it gonna kick his ass to the curb.
At her office, Yandy invites over Kimbella over because Remy is on her way over. You know, Remy, the big threat to greatest romance of all time, Yandy and Mendeecees? Well, it seems Yandy is going to fire Remy who works for, uh, who is it, uh, wait, wait — oh yeah! Remy works for Mendeecees at his empire. So how is Yandy firing her? For a man with his pride, Mendeecees sure is p—ywhipped. Anyway, Remy walks in, and they go at it immediately.
After listening to it, my head felt like I’d contracted spongiform encephalitis. I could feel it eating away at my brain. It was that stupid — I think I lost a good 10-20 I.Q. points listening to that bulls–t. Kimbella decides it’s her place to get into it with Remy and jumps at her, but the production crew predictably pulls them apart. For once, I wish they’d act like the Maysles brothers and just let it happen — cinéma vérité style.
Tara‘s launch party — oy! These people have a launch party for a toy sub in a bath tub. Rich is hanging with Rashida, Chrissy and then Jhonni, and they’re talking about crazy Diamond. Rich loves it because he thinks he’s hot. Only thing hot about him is the engine on that leased car of his. Rashida and Chrissy leave him be with Jhonni, who’s still sportin’ the Cinnabon look on her head. Then they cut to a shot of Diamond walking in, and a cutaway of her talking head about Rich being her man, so why not surprise him at Tara‘s event? Sure, what could possibly go wrong? As she enters, we can see she spots Rich talking with Jhonni. Her face looks like a one of the pug puppies, all scrunched up and stuff, with a mixture of madness and a bad nose job. How long before she blows? Well, I timed it at about one minute before the drinks started flying and once again, the production crew jumps in, but at least this time one of ’em managed to grab a piece. Yup, Jhonni got a clump of Diamond‘s hair in her paw and she’s not lettin’ go. I think it’s Jhonni who says, “You gonna learn to respect me!” since she’s the one who’s got the clump o’ hair.
Then we see Jhonni say, “I’m gonna rip you apart! You call me Ma’am. You understand? You understand?” Yeah, well, I understand if I was there, Jhonni would have gotten a swift kick in the coochie ’cause that hurts enough to put a rabid dog down. They finally get busted apart and Diamond is the one being kicked out by whomever, cryin’ “Are you serious?” Jhonni‘s already sitting down with a drink, and she figures Rich came to the party with her so she had every right to attack Diamond, but more importantly, she asks one of the production crew, “Is my wig still on?” Oh, the Cinnabon is a wig? She meant to add that on? I thought it was just her real hair that got teased up to hide some bald spot or something. Cut to Diamond and she tells us that if he’s “playin’ with me, he’s gonna see a side of me he wished he never saw.” So there’s the crazy side, then there’s the crazier side — how many sides does this woman have?
Only in New York, kiddies, as Cindy Adams would say.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.