Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: Fresh Start, New Faces [Episode 1]

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Hey mates! “The Real Housewives of Melbourne” has arrived, and I must say…they sure make them scarier looking down under! But scary is only skin deep, and I am excited to get to know these women better, as I snark in an Australian accent! So here we goooo…we begin by getting reacquainted with Lydia, Chyka, and JackieLydia has dropped some pounds, probably due to the fact that she gawked at herself on television for the first time last season, and was less than thrilled. She does look great, and we flip over to Janet, who calls to check in with the gals. Janet has clearly kept up with her mannequin-chic style, and we learn that she wants to extend the olive branch to Gina.

It’s Janet’s birthday, and her friend Carlos wants to pull off a snazzy shindig in her honor. We hear that her love life is at a stand still, but Carlos comments that she’s still hot stuff, in a retail kind of way, and that seems to give Janet a blushing ego boost. We are reminded of Jackie’s psychic powers, and learn that Lydia’s son is getting married in Florence, which makes it simply impossible for Lydia to shop for her own conditioner. We meet Janet’s hairdresser, and best David Cassidy lookalike pal, Patrick, who she hangs with regularly for lots of girl talk. Her party planning is making her nau-seee-ous, and Janet ups the tummy churning by calling Gina to leave a message, inviting to her party.


We touch base with Gina for the first time, and she has thankfully toned down her look, probably for the same reason that Lydia toned down a couple of sizes. She meets up with her sis, Bettina, and shares that she has reunited with her partner (does no one say boyfriend here??) who moved overseas last season. We are told that she and Lydia’s friendship is strained and damaged, and are reminded that all trust within the friendship has been lost. Janet continues to freak about her party, and as she frantically orders a cake, she is counseled by Chris, the therapist baker, who advises her to calm the heck down, and be a brave hostess soldier. The elaborate cake is planned, and Chris snags an invite, and earns a nice chunk of change.

We drop in on Lydia and her mum, Lena, getting Lydia dressed for the big event, and find out that she is going to swing by and pick up her most hated friend, Gina. Lydia’s mum thinks that Lydia needs to throw back anything Gina deals her, but Lydia disagrees, and maturely reminds her mum that they need to remember that all human souls deserve patience.After all, Gina is a good person under those seven layers of makeup, to which Lena enthusiastically responds with a “oh yeah sure.” It’s party time, and we jump between Jackie and Chyka giggling, and Gina and Lydia sitting in stone cold silence, on the way to the bash. Gina informs us that it’s better to keep her contempt under wraps, and Lydia uses the blessed peace to do some extra breathing.  Lydia apologizes, and they decide to start fresh, seeing that they have both lost a few pounds, either in fat or makeup layers. The future appears to be looking brighter for these two.


The party is hopping, with guests who are an eclectic bunch of gay, straight, and in-betweens, and Janet is hoping that her son Jake, might make an appearance. New ‘Housewife,’ Gamble is introduced, and we hear that she lives by the sea, and enjoys brushing her dog in stilettos. Gamble is a Shakespearean name, which means frolic and run free, and she proves it by ribbon prancing around her pool. We meet the Australian Giggy, a Pomeranian named Cash, who is thankfully just wearing fur. Gamble loves to paint flowers, and is a contemporary art consultant, and a former kick ass model. She informs us, just in case there are some blind viewers out there, that she maintains her frozen faced beauty by using Botox.


Gamble and her partner, Rick, an eye surgeon, and nicknamed ‘Wolfie or Puppy, are an eharmony success story. She has an ‘alternative’ stepson named Luke, and names big fake eyelashes and calorie counting as her current passions.


Gamble arrives at the party, and begins to get to know her new TV besties. She meets Jackie, and comments that she doesn’t believe in her psychic shtick. Jake, who was badly burned in an accident in 2011 shows up, and everyone is thrilled to see him, including his mum, who is overjoyed. The women  stay clustered in a cliquey clump, making it obvious that the other guests are pretty much just Bravo extras. Gina and Lydia walk in, and Janet welcomes her guest by screeching that a drag queen is IN the building. She comes to her senses, and decides to pull back, and let the newbie decide for herself if she’s into drag queens or not. Gamble comments that Gina is gorgeous, but when Lydia announces that she isn’t interested in anyone’s soul but her own, Gamble senses that she has been thrown some shady vibes.


My spelling skills are pushed to the max when we are introduced to rookie Housewife, Pettifleur. She lives wealthy, and is all about property development, and being a bitch on the side. We meet her son named Nathan, a partner named Frank, and hear of two other sons, for whom she strives to model the highest level of bitchy achievement. The women stand together and cluck like Aussie hens, as P-Fleur shares that she goes commando, and believes that Gamble’s fashion sense would be much improved without underwear. The cake is rolled out and it’s nice, but the real show stopper is Chris presenting the creation in floor length animal pelts.Carlos is dubbed the party planning champ, as the women stiffly boogie the night away.


We listen in to a Gamble and Gina post-party chat, where Gamble proceeds to rat out the group, and nastily blathers the snarky comments that were thrown around when Gina arrived at the party. Gamble lamely veils the obnoxious blabber by giving Gina a protection bracelet, some backhanded compliments, and a promise of some super sketchy loyalty. I think that Gina is suspicious, but she doesn’t let on. Janet and Carlos meet in the park with pet pig Crackling, who is decked out in her best Vegas headdress for the occasion. Janet fishes for gossip about Gamble, and Carlos smirks that there is lots of tea out there…my guess is that the spilling will probably begin next week!  See you then!


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