“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” begins with the women recovering from the 36 bag pile up on the airport escalator, and getting ready to take on Amsterdam. They check into a fancy hotel, while Yolanda breathes in the sweet air of her homeland. The land of bicycles and hookers in windows is where Yo feels the most complete, and all of the women are over the moon to be there. Lisa Rinna practically leaps into Queen Lisa’s arms in relief, as she fills her and Eileen in on Kim’s snarling rant on the Calgary flight, which she properly writes off as addict behavior. Eileen isn’t scared, but Queen Lisa clearly is, and chooses to remain silent.
The women meet up and head to dinner, in the fittingly dismal weather. They chitchat about the booming Amsterdam prostitution industry, until Yolanda turns the conversation more personal. She wants the women to open up about their vulnerabilities, and she begins by admitting that she’s a lemon short of perfect, because she’s the mother of a nabbed drunk. It is actually a seemingly sincere effort towards a deeper level of communication, and obviously a naively foolish move on her part. Lisa R is moved, and shares that her sister died at the age of 21 from an alcohol/drug overdose. Lisa R has obvious deep rooted issues of loss surrounding addiction, and she attempts to kindly apologize again to Kim for overstepping, and being a failure at ignoring her junkie tendencies. Kim doesn’t accept the sentiment, and jumps to defend her kinda-sorta 3 year sobriety like a raging banshee, who probably can’t even remember what sober feels like. Lisa R assures her that she cares about her, Brandi is stifling a grin, and Kyle has that same panicked expression that she always wears anytime she is in any sort of group with her time bomb of a sister. Kim launches into full throttle deflection, and cleverly blasts Eileen for having beastly hair, and Lisa R for being too thin.
Eileen responds with an incredulous and appropriate “you’re disgusting,” and defends Lisa like a champ. Kim amps up the venom, and twists the knife hard, blasting Kyle for not being as strong an enabler as Brandi or as good a sister, as bitchy Kathy. Lisa R speaks up by remarking that her nasty abuse is not acceptable, and Kim fires back with some irrelevant blather about having dirty info about Lisa’s home life, specifically targeting her husband. Lisa R lunges and almost grabs Kim around her wrinkly neck, but withdraws, and instead draws on her soap star training, flinging wine and breaking the glass in frustrated and completely justifiable anger.
Yolanda leads Lisa R out of there, and Kyle runs away like a scared, weeping bunny after screeching her disgust at the outburst. Lisa R admits that she lost her marbles, as the women try to regroup. Yolanda returns to the restaurant, and scolds Kim for her unacceptable communication skills, and kindly labels her junkie rages as “unnecessary explosions.” We jump between Kyle sobbing in the car, and Yo reprimanding Kim for hitting below the belt. Kim stammers out the sad truth…that she is on the brink of losing her children, and any info about her using again would surely trigger a group exodus. She justifies her screaming rant by claiming that Lisa R is messing with her family, a clear and desperate reach. Yo continues to straddle the fence, and expresses her support for Kim behaving like a lunatic in her motherland, but advises that she needs to polish her technique. Brandi just isn’t happy that someone swiped her signature wine flinging shtick, and comments that these women just don’t know when to shut up while they’re being kicked around.
Kyle, the two Lisas and Eileen convene in Kyle’s room to debrief, and Eileen expresses her sympathy for Kyle, while Brandi and Kim whine about shards of glass falling out of their orifices. The women rally around Kyle, and assure her that her efforts will never cut it. Yo preaches that sisterhood means more than anything, and Lisa NAILS it again, by telling the truth, and challenging Kyle to walk away from the nasty abuse. The group marvels over the match made in Heaven friendship between the two crazies whose grossness knows no boundaries.
Brandi advises Yo to demand only the best behavior from anyone who wants to participate in the Dutch festivities, and proudly points out that some other hot mess is in trouble this time. Yo is freaked to bring such a crew to her mom’s house, and Lisa R vows to never speak to Kim again.
Lisa R tells us that she has shifted into junkie rage survival mode, when Kim shows up and blah blahs the same old blather that no one wants to listen to. Lisa patiently backs off and leaves her to Brandi’s enabling care. Kim forgives Lisa for actually speaking the truth out loud, so that she can have some blessed, loaded peace. Oh and by the way, Kim has indeed been in treatment a few dozen times..so THERE! Bikes and cake are next on the agenda, and after a few of the women shoot glares at Kim, they are off to experience Yo’s girlhood. They mount some giant bikes…. I’ll give you one guess to peg who loses her balance first!
They bike through Yo’s town, and it is storybook charming. They pedal through the gorgeous countryside, run across a windmill, and meet up with it’s resident, who claims to have dated Yolanda, back in her peasant days. Yo blames her Lyme brain for her inability to remember this humble countryman, or the big wet one that they allegedly shared. Queen Lisa snarks that Yo could have ended up there, instead of shushing people in a bazillion dollar mansion, as they pose for photos for Yo’s ex-squeeze’s wife.
They arrive at Yo’s mom’s house, and it’s sweet to see Yo’s love for her family. They all discuss going to hang in the coffee shops to eat space cakes, and you can almost see Kim twitch, as she loudly lets everyone know that she does not do THAT. The group, mercifully minus Kim, heads out for some stoned fun, and Kyle drops a snappy one by snarking that she wishes that her mom gave her a little brother. The women gather around a tiny table, and giggle while Brandi looks embarrassed at the touristy display, which is clearly cramping her whorey Dutch swagger.
Brandi spills some tea about smoking pot with Kyle, which helps Kyle to remember why she hated her to begin with. Eileen succumbs to peer pressure and Lisa R claims cake weakness, as everyone but Kyle, takes a bite of the laced cake. The scene is giggly and funny. The fun doesn’t last, because Brandi flips out on the street because Kyle is peeved that she spilled the tea about her being dumb enough to smoke pot with a big blabbermouth. She barks HYPOCRITE, because after all, her boys have heard tons about her, season after season, after season.
Not since Teresa Giudice flipped that table years ago in New Jersey, has a flip OUT been so epic! Lisa Rinna is what Housewife history is made of…and has put flipping in Amsterdam on the list of BEST Housewife moments of all time!!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.