We are back in Pittsburgh on Dance Moms this week, and the show opens with Holly reminding us that although LA was a success for Nia, they both know that they are in deep poop with Abby. The team remains divided on the level of butt kissing they are are willing to engage in, as they all say hello to their old studio. Jill has decided to join Team Buttkiss, because Melissa’s membership sure is paying off. We learn that superstar, Mack Z has landed a singing gig in New York, and Maddie has gotten loads more gushing feedback from the experience, proving Jill’s point.
They line up for pyramid, and are reminded of the team’s epic failure in LA, and the stupendous success of Maddie. Jill,wearing a skunky fur vest, chimes in that her darling Kendall deserves a shot.The pyramid is revealed, which brings a gasp, because Maddie has pulled off the impossible, being on the top and bottom of the pyramid at the same time, proving her breathtakingly beautiful omnipresent power. The girls are traveling to New Jersey, and are told that the team’s biological clocks are ticking, and that Abby plans to discard them like a hamburger wrapper once they hit the teen division. Holly shakes her fist at the blatant adolescent discrimination, while Abby reminds us that she has no chance of winning a teen division with this sad lot, who can’t even pull off a pee wee victory. Pulling Nia and Kalani out drops the average age of the group, which is tempting to Abby. There are three solos doled out to Kalani, Kendall and Nia. The group dance is up in the air, and having the solos assigned to the two teens covers Abby’s large behind, in case she decides to yank them from the group. Abby decides that a lesson on ethics and loyalty is overdue, and proceeds to throw a few passive aggressive comments in during the lecture.
The group dance is about dominoes, which the production drumbeats equate with toppling dancers, and asks the burning question…..will anyone’s whose name doesn’t start with ‘M’ be left standing? We sit in on the group rehearsal, and the girls are asked to get into the dark mood of the dance, by remembering their dastardly, deceitful actions during their LA trip. Abbyblames sneaky Holly for being the lead domino of deception, and the repetitive viewing room argument rambles on. Jill is all about playing nice for Kendall, and reminds Hollythat Abby is holding a dark card of judgement, that she will undoubtedly whip out by the end of the episode. We are reminded of Kira’s criminal past, while we watch Kalani rehearse her number, entitled “Pretty Little Liars.” Kira is fine with the tongue and cheek slam, and Abby is sick of Kalani being a perpetual loser. Abby begins Nia’s rehearsal, ignores her, and the viewing room conversation turns officially boring, even with the super dramatically tense music thrown in for effect. Jill astutely points out that Holly needs to figure out a way to not be angry every time she walks into the ALDC, or she may become domino #1.
The next day Holly arrives, and after much reflection, has decided that her standards are higher than everyone’s, and she just can’t expect the other lame moms to adhere to such lofty greatness. Jill, who is rocking a skunk fur striped number, senses the veiled shade, and calls Holly out for being self righteously judgmental. Jill tries to explain for the millionth time, that it has nothing to do with friendship, just a pragmatic choice in support of Kendall’s pursuit of stardom.
Holly acts like everyone is supposed to roll over and rah rah everything she does, and it is officially exhausting to listen to her broken me…me…me…me…me record. Abby makes an appearance to the moms, and explains that she is pulling Kalani out of the group number to bump down the average age of the group, and Jess scolds her for not going off on Abby to keep her in there.
Kira reminds us that she isn’t going to push Abby…Kalani can focus on her solo, and her sordid past can stay hidden, so it’s a win win. Jill and Jess believe that she should fight for what’s right, and Holly throws in that her life doesn’t hinge on where she argues every day, sitting on her butt in really ugly clothing. Kalani performs and it is gorgeous, and Kendall’s number is cute. Nia performs, and reminds us that she had no direction, before she takes the stage and stinks it up.
Sorry Nia! The girls all listen to Nia’s LA recorded song backstage, and Kalani schools Jill on keeping her trap shut when it matters. The group performs, and it’s nice, in a junior sort of way. Kalani nails first, Kendall wins fifth, which Jill rationalizes as a feel good victory, and group wins first. The team decides to never leave Pittsburgh again, Holly drones on endlessly, and Jill screeches about Kalani having the audacity to stand up for five seconds with the group that she gracefully stepped out of. Kalani was prompted by Abby to stand, and the blast is beyond ridiculous, and smacks of skunky jealousy.
She’s baaaaaack! Cathy and her Apples are back next week…see you then!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.