It’s Season 7, and Bethenny Frankel is comin’ home – she’s done her time – after 3 seasons away. She joins our lovely ladies of lubricious living: Ramona Singer, Sonja Morgan, LuAnn “The Countess” de Lesseps, Carole Radziwill, Heather Thomson, Kristen Taekman, and the new gal replacing Aviva Drescher, real-life, solid-gold socialite, Dorinda Medley.
Now, since someone at Bravo has still not mastered the compression algorithm for embedding video, it’s terribly hard to watch because it’s all out of sync, even on my super-fast internet. Never fear dear hearts and gentle people: I have spent the last two hours of my life transcribing the clip for you. Two hours that I will never get back. You don’t have to thank me now – just send flowers to my grave.
Ready, Set, Hit Play – Get a look at the wild season that lies ahead!
Video transcribed below:
Sonja: We always have a great time!
Bethenny feeding a clown: I don’t know why I’m doing this – so strange.
Kristen at a boxing match: Go get him!
Dorinda: I need to talk about these – you like the boobs hanging out?
Sonja: I used to be classy — now I’m trashy.
Ramona: You never know what you’re going to get when you see Bethenny.
Heather to Bethenny: Her feelings were hurt that didn’t invite her to the —
Bethenny to Heather: Omg, are you really bringing up – honestly – wake me up when this is over!
Bethenny to Sonja: Get the chopsticks outta your ass!
Bethenny: I’m eating my feelings right now.
Heather to Bethenny: I think you’re a know-it-all.
Bethenny to Heather: Maybe I know it all, so if you would like to know any of it all, come to me, and I’ll tell you.
Carole being sleazy to Bethenny: I had a sex dream about you – I touched you inappropriately.
Bethenny to Carole: Did we go Downtown Julie Brown?
Sonja to Bethenny: Sometimes you just need to get pounded but I don’t swallow, and I’m not lying — unless you have a black card.
Dorinda’s daughter: Let’s face it Mom — you’re a chubby chaser!
Dorinda ’s chubby male friend: I’ll call your daughter and see how she’s doing.
Dorinda to chubby male friend: You f—–g bring up my daughter again, I’ll f—–g rip you in half, you get it?
Sonja: There’s a new beyatch in the house.
Dorinda to LuAnn: When there’s a vagina involved, with men, there could always be slip ups, and I don’t like slip ups.
Sonja to Dorinda: I partied with John John Kennedy all the time.
Dorinda: Well John John is dead, so that’s typical.
Ramona to Dorinda: My marriage is down the tubes and in a million years I never thought this would happen.
Bethenny: It’s like starting over…failed talk show, failed marriage. My divorce has made me a vulnerable person. I don’t want the same life back, I want a new life.
Ramona blubbering unintelligibly to Bethenny: I want to fix this so baaaadddd…
Carole — clinging to an urn with dead husband’s 15-year-old ashes from her five-year marriage to Lee Radziwell’s only son — to a Priest: I can picture my late husband like it was yesterday. He was a really decent man.
LuAnn: What happens in the Turks and Caicos’ stays in the Turks and Caicos’
LuAnn: How much trouble can we get into?
Unknown voice about Kristen: Omg, is her top off ?
LuAnn to Heather: What’s the big deal? We brought guys back here; we had a good time – what’s the big deal? You’re upset? You’re crying cause a guy slept upstairs?
Heather to LuAnn: It scared me LuAnn! Would you be upset if there was a strange man sleeping in the room next to you?
LuAnn to Heather: Not really.
Carole to everyone: Remember the chef from LuAnn’s? We’re practically living together.
Kristen: Shut up!
Ramona to LuAnn: Is it weird for you?
LuAnn: He’s a little young, and he’s my niece’s ex-boyfriend so it’s little weird. You know, it’s Sonja young.
Carole to LuAnn: What did you just say?
Dorinda to someone: You made me look like an ass. Don’t do that s—t!
Bethenny to Sonja: You gotta take a fucking drink or a Xanax.
Sonja: These girls are barracudas.
*Then the free-for-all starts and who knows who’s bitchin’ about who at this point – it’s just all yelling and wide open mouths!*
LuAnn: I’m gonna stick her f—–g face in the caviar right now!
Bethenny: I don’t wanna talk about anything!
Heather: Get your shit together!
Ramona: Why did you open your f—–g mouth?
Heather: F–k you!
Sonja: Why don’t you leave if you don’t want to be here?
Ramona: I can’t, I can’t!
LuAnn: Be cool . . . don’t be like, all uncool. (This gets my prize for best rendition of Jack Kerouac by an actress.)
Kristen: Owww, I got it on me!!!
Heather to Ramona: Get outta here right now!
Bethenny: Get off my junk!
Sonja: Get outta my s–t!
Heather: Get out!
Ramona: Don’t mess with me!
Bethenny: Blow me!
Ramona: Get her off! (Someone is being held over someone’s head like a figure skating move – if any of you have figured out who it is, check in below.)
Dorinda: I wanna go home!
Sonja: Nice doesn’t work with you people!
**PHEW!!** I have been through the ringer, and this is just the preview! Time for a bubble bath. Tune in April 7th for the premiere! In the meantime, start copying and pasting these gems into memes and post below.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.