A new year according to the Persian calendar, and Reza and Asa need to buy some gold. Like super-duper gold. As Reza tells it, Persian men only wear Rolex watches and drive black Mercedes. He picks up a nifty little presidential model in gold for $34k — most importantly because Adam has told him that after they’re married, he’s not allowed to spend more than $5k without asking him. I don’t think this marriage has a chance in hell.
Mike goes to his parents house to show them the engagement ring he bought, which last season looked like he couldn’t afford, but now he’s showing a big rock. Wonder how that came to be?
At GG‘s new place, Reza and MJ show up and decide that the whole thing has to be redone. They can’t throw out her knives though.
Our little MJ is still looking for love. This time, she’s on a picnic with a guy named Charlie, who looks like he came off JDate.com — like a round, doughy, balding, safe guy for when you’ve really, really given up. He’s also ten years younger than MJ. This looks promising.
Reza and Adam have a new pad and it’s decorated like, well, I’m not sure. Everyone’s coming over for Nowruz (New Year’s Day). Our new girl Asifa, who’s half Persian and half Indian, which means she’s Parsi, is hanging with the crew. She explains her background like this: “Who wouldn’t want to be like a giraffe and a lion. Like a gira-cheetah. A giraffe cheetah? I forgot what a giraffe looks like. Okay, I just remembered. Yeah, I’d be a cheetah-raffe.” Okay. Seems she knew Mike‘s old psycho girlfriend, so they have a history. There’s lots of food, and poor GG has trouble sitting because she just got an ass job. Mike and Jessica show up, looking happy because they haven’t been hanging out with everyone. MJ shows up without Charlie. Nowruz starts at 12 Iran time, so they’re counting down during the middle of day. They light candles. Seems rather dull.
Asa has her own little party, which involves jumping over fire in high heels, and a discussion of Mike‘s penis size. How did it come to this? Well, MJ sees Jessica eating a Dolma on a toothpick, it makes her think of BJs and she tells Mike he has an obsession with receiving BJs. Mike asks if MJ‘s ever given him a BJ, and Jessica screams, “For three years, the only person sucking his dick has been me!” Well, thank you, Jessica. I’m glad we’ve cleared that up before the wedding. I mean, she is converting to Judaism after all, isn’t she? MJ says that Jessica eating from a toothpick reminded Mike of BJ’s. Naturally, Asifa wants to know if Mike has a micro penis. Mike takes her seriously, and is really offended by the small penis question long after everyone else has moved on.
MJ‘s friend, Shervin, who’s actually a man and not a young boy, looks kinda like Mike, so everyone’s pointing that out. Shervin is actually better looking than Mike, and doesn’t look drunk. Mike tells us, “The more you drink, the less there looks like there’s tension, so one more for Mike.” MJ and Reza decide to ignore Mike and talk about the wedding planning, and Reza drops the bomb that MJ is his matron of honor and Asa is his boyfriend’s something – perhaps best man, which is appropriate since Asa looks like a man. Mike‘s girlfriend just looks like she can’t get far enough away from his drunk ass.
The party bus arrives, and, of course, Asa got the most obnoxious party bus ever. No one can ever accuse her of having sophisticated taste. Omar Khayyám is rolling over in his grave every time he sees or hears Asa. (By the way, why in hell is Asa wearing with the fake Chanel pin on the turban? Is she sniffing that diamond water piss?) The bus stops in front of some tacky Hollywood strip spot which looks like a big living room. Sliders, hors d’oeuvres and shooters – more class. Typical Asa.
Asifa‘s boyfriend, Bobby, shows up, and Mike makes it known that he had a beef with him in the past. Mike tells us that Asifa is apparently obsessed with his dick. Mike‘s pulls Reza aside to take a look at the vent on Bobby‘s jacket because it still has the sealing stitch on it. This makes Mike laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Reza‘s decides to fix the matter by taking a knife to the back of the Bobby‘s jacket, which makes Asifa threaten, “Anybody talks — says anything about my guy, I will ruin them, I’m telling you right now. Anybody.”
“What happened about your guy?” asks Reza. “You and Mike started laughing, okay, and we knew why you were laughing,” she says. Reza replies, “Mike said something about him, you said something about Mike‘s dick.” Then Bobby joins in. ” The bottom line is when you walk into a room to meet new people, what you don’t want to hear is people sitting there worried about what f***ing jacket I’m wearing.” Mike shouts, “I’m dyin!” Reza goes into U.N. mode: “You came into a weird situation. Your woman speaks very highly of you and she’s clearly very over protective of you.” His woman says, “Someone needs to apologize — I’m not done until he apologizes.” Reza calls Mike over and his girlfriend follows. And here we go. Drunken Mike starts, “She was talking shit about me —“
“No, no, no — I wasn’t talking shit about you –. They were talking sh*t about toothpicks –“
GG shuts ’em down with this question: “Was she talking sh*t, or did she say that was true?”
Then, GG tells us, “If Mike was a grown=ass man and he had just a little small shred of self-confidence, he would have laughed off the whole dick comment. Get over it.” My little GG — she’s all growed up! Bobby, unfortunately, tries to talk to drunken Mike: “I buy a lot of new clothes dude. I shop. I do that.” “You didn’t do that because you didn’t know. You did that because you thought it was stylish. Let’s be honest with one another. Come on, don’t bullsh*t!” says Mike. And back and forth it goes. Reza, the voice of sanity, tells us it’s a “Persian pissing contest; these are two males that are locking horns for territory, but little do they know, the leader of this territory is a gay dude with a moustache.”
Back to Mike and Bobby still arguing about fashion. Who’s the gay dude in the room? I’m all confused now! Well, doesn’t take long for Mike to get that well-known look in his eye where he’s going for the bitch slap so everyone steps up to keep ’em separated. Mike wins because he takes Bobby‘s jacket “as a souvenir” and is sounding like a mental patient. Bobby‘s going after Mike to get his jacket, but Jessica pushes him away. Why oh why, Jessica? GG and Asifa get in her face before she can go after Bobby.
GG tells us she’s embarrassed and taken aback. You know it’s bad when our girl GG is the most mature one in the room.
Mike is calling Bobby out telling him if “you want your jacket back, you get it back when you apologize.” Shervin assures Bobby he’ll get the jacket to keep him away from Mike.
Mike‘s walking out with Jessica and the prize jacket, and Shervin goes after him and gets the jacket proving he’s the man in the group. Reza is busy making apologies for Mike. Reza tells us, “I am gay Gandhi. I need to lose a little weight, but I’m still Gandhi.” On the other hand, Gandhi is having trouble pinpointing the problem, because he complains about Jessica: “What about Nowruz? I know this bitch is white, but this is a sacred time for us.”
Much more interesting is that out on the street, Jessica is having a meltdown and wants the mic off her “right now. Steffi — now, get this mic off me now. I don’t give f**k.” MJ comes out to the street and Jessica tells her, “I’m not dealing with this bullsh*t. He’s too big for this.” MJ asks the driver to take him home before he beats somebody up. Upstairs, Reza says to Bobby, “Hopefully tonight isn’t what you judge us by.”
Welcome to the group, Bobby!
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.