Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars Recap: “Let Them Eat Cake” [Episode 8]

When we last left the happy campers, we heard Heidi and Natalie trying to compete for biggest jackhole of the night award. (Do I have to cite Andy on that one? Does he own the copyright? Let me know, #WWHL, okay?) They decide the best way to do this is to take turns drunkenly taunting Aviva and Reid while everyone else sits around and does nothing to stop them. Especially not Jim, Liz, or the helper elves. They’re yelling and knocking on the bedroom door while Aviva and Reid are trying to sleep. In the morning, when Aviva and Reid confront them about their childish behavior, it’s obvious that it’s all their fault that Heidi and Natalie act like 13-year-olds. Good thing no one’s paying for this “therapy” because it’s obvious the nuts are in charge.

Morning meeting and blackboards are being passed out so everyone can participate in the selfish or selfless day. It’s just another complaint fest. With each complaint, they have feed their partner a cupcake. Then comes hot dogs. Aviva and Reid get called out on not wanting to eat like pigs, and fat ass Natalie gets up to shove food in both their faces. When Aviva gets up to give it back to her, that’s when Jim steps in, but really does nothing except raise his arm as if he’s going to deflect flying food like Wonder Woman. Natalie‘s lucky. If it was me, the leg would have come off, and it would be batting practice time on that fat casaba melon head of hers. Jim and Liz agree with Natalie. No one seems to agree that this is the most ridiculous exercise ever “created” and appears more to be an frat house gag.

It gets more stupid. Jim and Liz decide to fill camera time by talking to Aviva and Reid to place blame on them. Especially Liz. She thinks the best way is to let the others continue to be immature brats, and try to ” bust them [Aviva and Reid] of their sense of entitlement,” and she wants Aviva and Reid to be vulnerable to the animals in the house by saying “It hurts me…” Yes, I always found in third grade it was best to tell the bully that he hurt me. It elicited a lot of empathy on his part. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

When the bullies come into Aviva and Reid‘s room and break a vase and call her a bitch, Jim and Liz are nowhere to be found. Tyson tell us “Aviva is only here to get more famous, and Reid is here to help her,” but I’m still trying to figure out who Tyson is and why I should care what he thinks other than how he justifies that his being on the show is not in some way a ploy for him to be famous? I’m getting a migraine from the sheer boredom of that pre-written scenario.

Next exercise? Blindfold the couples and take them outside. Why? No point really. They could have walked outside without a blindfold to end up in front of two fake doors, each displaying a choice for them to make. For instance, Natalie doors read, Bad Girl and Jacob’s Girl. She picks Jacob’s Girl, open the door and walks down a path. Jacob has two doors: the Natalie You Wish She Was, and Natalie Now. He picks Natalie Now and walks through the door to meet Natalie on the path. See how this works? You pick the door that you know is not selfish. Then everything’s okay. It’s not as if you don’t know the right thing to do, but you want to be on TV so you play act that you want to do the wrong thing every time the camera is on. Natalie sums it up just perfectly: “I can really convince my husband to say he loves the bad girl. I’m good.” Of course, being a Jim and Liz exercise, not all of the choices work correctly. Like Syleena and Kiwane. She chooses to work less, which is the right thing to do according to Jim and Liz, but when Kiwane chooses to continue to unselfishly do things for the family, that’s the wrong choice according to them and he walks the plank, with a life jacket on, into the waist-high water. Syleena jumps in after him, sans life vest. Oy vey!

The show ends with Rachel repeating she wants to be married no matter what an ass Tyson is, and Tyson repeating he doesn’t want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. Jim and Liz tell us they are not on the same path. No shite, Sherlock. What a mind blowing experience this was, eh?

Next week, kids, more from the show that continues to demonstrate what Ron Sexsmith meant when he wrote:

“Where people are lining up
To sell their dignity when reality’s a show
They’ll crawl through mud
I fear sometimes, we ain’t got a hope in hell”

 

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