“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” begins, and surprise!…Brandi’s sober, and is arriving at Yolanda’s for a repeat bony yoga class. Brandi is on a 21 day cleanse to prove to her best a**hole friends that she is absolutely only a part time lush. Brandi misses drinking, and thinks that being unaltered is boring, but Xanax fills in those reality bites hours during this temporary and snoozy period of annoying coherence. Yolanda proudly announces to the yoga instructor that Brandi is only on pills today, and you can almost see the poor guy’s eyes roll, as he speeds the women through the poses. Brandi thinks that the cleanse is worth it for Yo, because Yo took her under her lemon scented wing when Queen Lisa had to resign, due to being stuck under the tires of that bus she was thrown under.
It feels like old times when Kyle arrives at Queen Lisa’s for a spot of tea, but when she immediately launches into Brandi and Kim issues, the flowery mood is blown. Kyle believes that Brandi is putting a wedge between she and Kim, and Lisa gives her good common sense advice, and nails the repetitive and predictable Glanville dynamic. Kyle expectantly reverts back to a spoiled brat and only half listens, and it makes me yearn for a Hanky and Panky guest appearance.
We flip over to Eileen and Vince going to dinner, where Eileen retells the story of her well meaning lunch with Kyle and Kim. Vince simply wants to scarf scallops, and believes that the sisters just need to chill. Eileen agrees, and thinks that they all should be thrown into intense therapy. We hear the first rumblings of Eileen and Vince hosting a script reading with her best washed up actress cast mates reading the parts.
Vince wants to serve alcohol, but Eileen says absolutely not, because the more these women drink, the more slurring about body parts there is. Eileen asserts that these women are plenty relaxed already, and should remind Vince to remember the looseness he witnessed during his spying session through their garage window at their last party.
Brandi is meeting her pal Jennifer on the beach…at least that’s what the name caption reads once I pull my eyes off her unrecognizable quacker of a face. Brandi receives a phone call from Ken, who reluctantly invites her to a surprise birthday party for Lisa. Brandi’s heart is happy until Ken pleasantly requests that she behave like someone else.
It’s time for the table read at Eileen’s house, and we hop between Kyle and Kim, the two Lisas, and Brandi and Jennifer beating Kim’s plight into the ground. Kyle believes that talking to Kim gets them into trouble, and playing nice is the best way to fake a healthy relationship. Kim is peeved that Eileen butted into the sisters’ beeswax, proving that unselfish motives get a girl nowhere on this show. The two Lisas discuss the issue, and we are reminded that Queen Lisa has learned from experience that it’s better to stay scared and far, far away. Lisa Rinna assures her that she visited Crazy Town with Kim, and asserts that they all need to quit acting like big chickens.
Brandi and Jennifer agree that Kim is relapsing, that she and Brandi’s friendship needs to end in 21 days, and that she should never hang out with her sister ever, ever again.
The women convene at the table read, and Kim tells a glory days tale about working with Bette Davis, which would be a neat story coming from someone whose glory days hadn’t morphed into a strung out cliche. Queen Lisa shows up and is intimidated by the fierce acting prowess filling the room, as Kyle gleefully announces that she shouldn’t worry, because she has no lines anyway. Lisa Rinna is given the announcer role which is definitely lame, but being the consummate hustler, she laughs it off. The script is about a trashy poker game, and Kyle plays a degenerate gambler and Kim is a puppeteer. The whole thing is weird, but is much more pleasant without Brandi’s gutter blabber mouth.
We pop in on Yo, who is wearing her favorite white jeans as we sit in on her scavenger hunt planning session. The event is meant to bring people together to playfully appreciate each other’s brilliance, clearly indicating that her Lyme brain has kicked back in. Back at Eileen’s, the women gawk at her Emmy award, and it’s cute. Lisa R mentions her lunch with Brandi, and she and Eileen wonder out loud why exactly Brandi behaves like such an obnoxious train wreck.
Kim jumps into the comfort of her favorite center of attention role, and begins whining about the sister vs best trashbox girlfriend conflict in her poor pathetic life. Kim is going through more than anyone else in the world, because even though most people have lost loved ones to cancer, it’s super duper extra hard for her. Kim bounces all over the place, defending both Brandi and Kyle, and Kyle wonders what would draw her to an enabler who drinks like a fish instead keeping the addict support in the family. Lisa R nails it once again, and calls Kim a big fat deflector. Both Lisas encourage her to get support to stay accountable, and Kim responds succinctly with a couple of blah blahs.
It’s Queen Lisa’s birthday and Pump’s garden is decked out in pink flowers and looks beautiful. Brandi, Kim and sister Kathy are riding to the event together. Brandi throws shade at Eileen by giggling about the wine toss, and labeling her as judgmental. Kathy’s expression reads like an uneasy woman who wants to take a shower. Lisa R and Eileen powwow about the horror of this franchise, and Eileen senses a disconnect between Kim’s blah blahs and her behavior. Eileen earlier noticed that Kim never disputed Brandi’s nastiness towards Kyle, and they both agree that the mess is one ginormous glob of interconnected weirdness.
Ken and Lisa take off for her birthday evening out, and Ken pulls a fast one and fakes a problem in order to stop in at Pump. The guests jump out from behind the bar, Lisa is touched to be surrounded by such love, and Brandi is honored as the special guest bitch of the evening. Brandi croaks out an ‘I’m sorry’ ditty dedicated to the birthday girl, which encourages the other women to jump around and warble out silly lyrics. Brandi decides to stay out of it because she isn’t wanted, and has only hit peri-menopause.
Lisa scores a giant pink rock, which she chose herself, and the event looks like a fun party. Eileen and Lisa earlier determined that there’s a moral obligation to inform Kim that she stinks at covering up that she’s a junkie, so Eileen respectfully pulls Kyle aside to let her in on the plan. Kyle believes that Eileen’s and Lisa R’s hearts are in the right place, but knows that if the complicated issue isn’t shoved under the rug, it won’t end well. Hopefully there are lots of rugs in Amsterdam, because that’s where we’re headed next week!