Jim and Liz. Liz and Jim. I wonder how often they make it? Not really, because the thought actually skeeves me out. There’s a good reason to be private about some things — sex with your significant other is one of those things. Discretion IS the better part of valor.
On last night’s episode of “MarriageBootCamp Reality Stars,” picture sitting outside in the blazing sun — melanoma sun, I call it — with some food left out in the open, some pillows, and a lazy Susan with a bottle on it. Yes. You got it. Spin the bottle. Another one of Jim and Liz‘s scientifically proven exercises. In their version, if the bottle points at you, you pick a card an fill in the blank. Bottle points at Heidi, she has a card that says, “I want you to be _____ during sex.” She fills in it with “louder.” He explains that the neighbors call the police on them when they are too loud. Okay. Reid says he wants to be cuddled more. Everyone else is all like, “No way!” Perhaps this is why the other have marriages that are in trouble. Lack of respect, inability to keep their lives private, and an overriding belief that a relationship is all about sex. Liz and her helper elf discuss how important talking about sex is, so, off to the next exercise.
Liz wants the couple to have an open and honest discourse about their sex lives using puppets in front of a camera. She calls it a sex tape. She wants everyone to give it 100% because it’s very important. I’m finding it hard describing how embarrassing the over-acting is by the couples wanting to prove they’re all that and a bag of chips. As you can imagine, the majority act like fools. When they don’t, they just act downright disrespectful. I never knew puppets could make me throw up in my mouth a little. For those who feel they obsess about sex too much, one look at this show, and you’ll be cured.
Liz manages to make sex the most infantilizing experience ever with her idiotic puppets. Natalie and Jacob pretend that she’s constantly wanting to go down on him. Heidi and Spencer pretend that she’s always chasing after him for sex. Aviva is the only one who has sense enough to be embarrassed by this ridiculous task, which annoys Liz because it just shows how exploitative this exercise is when you exhibit some dignity and restraint in front of strangers and a camera. Syleena and Kiwane reenact something that appears to be rape, and Liz applauds them. Cut to a shot of Natalie and Jacob and a very rehearsed mouth-dropping look.
Time for the thoroughly unscientific, totally subjective “evaluation” by the two crackpots. First, Natalie and Jacob whom Liz says have a powerful sex connection and then she suggests they need to make a schedule. Yes, nothing spells r-o-m-a-n-c-e like a c-a-l-e-n-d-a-r. (Where did Liz get her training in therapy? The Acme School of Matchmaking, or just by watching old Oprah re-runs?) Syleena and Kiwane need to find the passion they once had as per Jim. Wow. Groundbreaking stuff here. Aviva and Reid get schooled by Liz that she needs to be more open about discussion her sex life with complete strangers. (We all know Aviva‘s father is enough reason to learn to keep your mouth shut about sex in public. Well, that is, except for Liz, who seems to have never watched a single episode of RHONY.) Rachel and Tyson are told that Tyson is selfish about sex just like he is about everything else. Heidi and Spencer are told they’re immature and Liz promises him that “this will destroy your relationship at some point.” Quite a prediction. She’s got a 50/50 change at being right according to current divorce rates.
The funniest bit comes during the one-on-one where Jim and Liz tell Heidi and Spencer that they have to get over being failures. I guess that means they should find a scam business like marriage boot camp and make money off of others’ stupidity.
In other rooms about the house, Rachel seeks out Natalie for advice. Rachel says Tyson is the love of her life. Oh, and she feels trapped. Natalie tells her how she was dating 80-million-dollar-mega-athletes when she set her trap for Jacob. Now we have Rachel telling us she’s gonna do something. Da da dummmm.
Next week, there seems to be a lot crying – fake, real or method acting crying. See you then.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.