First off, Heidi and Natalie have some fake-ass apology going down. I fell asleep. Next, it’s day five, which the oh-so-creative Jim and Liz call “communication breakdown.” Or, maybe, the producers decided to call it that. Either way, we know nothing that follows would be approved by any APA member. Before the nonsense exercises begin, everyone sits around the breakfast table talking about Heidi and Spencer and we find out that they live in Spencer‘s “Mommy’s beach house” when she’s not there, but they don’t explain where they live when she is there. Trailer? Who knows, but one thing’s for sure: If I was getting a free beach house to live in, I wouldn’t mess that up with a kid either. You go, boy!
Off to the horse corral. There’s a mini-race-course-slash-obstacle-course with golf carts set up. Seems the couples will have to drive around with one navigating. Winner gets lunch; loser serves lunch. What are the couples learning from this unnecessary competition? Not a dang thing, but it fills up time with Jim and Liz come up with more goofy marriage-building ideas that don’t work. Oh. The driver is blindfolded. I’m hoping this means someone will drive off a cliff and sue Jim and Liz. Unfortunately, no one does. The couples are timed so the inference is that those with the best time will win a lunch; those with the worst time will serve the lunch. As expected, each couple acts like every single married or not married couple in a car acts when they’re trying to find some place while driving. Gotta love Heidi and Spencer. They decided to just trash the course. Somehow, Jim and Liz decide this bit of fun indicates that Heidi should school Spencer; that means treat him like he’s a little kid. Uh, isn’t that the problem? Heidi treats him like a little kid? Wow. Color me confused as to how this is helping them. Anyway, back to the races. Syleena and Kiwane had the best time. But, they don’t win. Why? Well, Jim and Liz decided the real winner would be the two that they felt communicated the best, regardless of time. According to their subjective criteria, that was Natalie and Jacob. The worst according to Jim and Liz? Heidi and Spencer. So, even though they decided to just blow it off and have fun and not argue, that wasn’t good enough for Jim and Liz. Feels like a set up, don’t it? Feels like we’re being played, don’t it? Like, let’s just decide to make the two most colorful couples together to start a fight. Now we’re off to the races — who will piss off whom first and throw the first “punch?”
Heidi and Spencer start to serve and of course, they mess around, not taking it seriously. They return to the house to get more food or whatever, while Natalie and Jacob wait in the hot sun, ringing a bell no one can hear. They finally go back to the house to find Heidi and Spencer sitting around the table. Natalie starts mouthing off at Spencer and then throws her wine at him. He throws some ice back at her. That’s when Natalie goes, “Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Handle this!” Yeah. You see it, too, don’t you? Natalie keeps it up so Spencer goes back at her the way Jacob should but doesn’t. Spencer then throws some water at Natalie. She doesn’t melt. Then Heidi does what I thought she wasn’t supposed to do, but Jim and Liz do want her to do, which is to treat Spencer like a child and school him on how 1) a woman can throw wine at a man, 2) he should do nothing in return despite all our equality, and then, 3) it’s so wrong because poor Natalie spent three whole hours doing her hair the night before. (I, for one, don’t see a three-hour hair-do? Anyone else see three hours worth of hair-do? No? I didn’t think so.) Oh, I see, Natalie‘s upset because it’s a weave. Why would getting a weave wet with water be a disaster? There’s so much I don’t know about ratchet hair.
Having caused this situation, Jim and Liz now step in to lecture the two couples. Great plan, great execution, they got what they wanted for the cameras. Bravissimi! Now we get to hear Jim and Liz‘s prepared speech. Despite the fact that it was Natalie who got physical and threw wine, it’s all Heidi and Spencer‘s fault for goofing around and not wanting to serve them lunch. Rings false, doesn’t it? Not one word to Natalie about starting the whole thing by throwing a glass of wine in somebody’s face. Not one. Great counseling, Jim and Liz!
Next exercise: Shocktagon. A stupid role-playing exercise to induce the couples to fight, but fight the way their spouse would fight. Get it? Neither do I. Seems like an excuse to try to get them to fight for real. Got to hand it to Jim and Liz — they’re trying every trick in the book to make TV. The couples have to remove their shoes and enter the ring, but stay on their designated spots. Why? Well, Jim and Liz have decided that shock therapy is a good technique. (What’s next? Trepanation?) So as the couples verbally fight, Jim and Liz are sending electric shocks when they feel it is warranted. (Are these two licensed by any reputable medical organization?) Since it’s all subjective, it’s really hard to understand how Jim and Liz are deciding to shock everyone. Now, on to the worst set up.
Aviva and Reid are in the ring. For some reason, Reid has a prosthetic leg with him. Who gave it to him? Who allowed him to bring it in there? Is Aviva‘s very real disability a joke to everyone but me? Reid starts in by playing Aviva‘s role and saying he needs to be on social media. This is hardly the equivalent of saying I need to take Valium every afternoon to knock myself out while taking care of your brats, but for some reason, this is Reid‘s big, overriding “issue” with Aviva. Reid throws this line out: “I’m speaking to the amputees. They need me.” Then, “This is important to me! I’m sick of this!” and he throws the leg at Aviva. Everyone gives their best, “I’m shocked!” look except Jim and Liz, who somehow don’t react at all. Hmmm, was this the plan all along? They’re despicable.
Outside the ring, Aviva tells Reid, “It was low. It wasn’t funny.” She’s right. It wasn’t funny. It was low. Reid owes her one super big apology for going along with the Jim and Liz nonsense. I’m thoroughly disgusted with all three of them. I hope Aviva doesn’t have a pre-nup and divorces Reid and takes every single penny he’s got.
Back to the inane exercise, and the agenda seems to be to just keep shocking Spencer and not Heidi, not matter what’s said.
Jim tells everyone to “head to the boot camp room for evaluations and to think about what you learned today.” I’ll go first, Jim. I learned you’re a manipulative, sadistic, quack. I’ve also learned that Jim you need further education. “You started off communicating very good,” says Jim. Uh. No. You started off communicating very WELL. That’s the proper grammar, Jim. Yikes. These people are in the hands of someone who cannot even communicate in proper English. There must be a lawsuit in there some where.
After evaluation, we see how Jim and Liz‘s expertise has helped. Heidi and Spencer start arguing about the baby thing again. WTG! You’ve really got them communicating!
Now, remember, dear readers, if you’ve learned nothing else today, at least you’ve learned it’s never “very good,” it’s always, “very well.” You’re welcome.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.