#RHOBH Recap: Kyle Verbally Bitch Slaps Brandi [Episodes 12]

We start this week’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” on a cheerier note than in recent weeks, as we pop in on Kyle and one of her gay guy pals flitting around her store. They meet with a couple of party planners to discuss the planned gay mixer. The guys ask if there will be drinking, and Kyle answers with a DUH, when is there ever not? 

Over at Yolanda’s, we are hanging in her closet full of the clothes that we never see her in, hearing about she and the king’s impending trip to Italy to attend a charity event.  We are informed that David is the most charitable man in the universe, and travels all over the world to raise wads of money. Hmmm…this visual brings me back to a certain singing stewardess that I know…ahhh the off-key, dreamy, love drenched memories!

Yo is a professional packer, has carried more luggage in white jeans than anyone else on earth, but a housekeeper and bag shlepper are absolute musts when packing those four extra challenging outfits. We are then blessed with a mini mothering lecture, informing us that leaving your kids to travel the verld is a crucial step in pristine parenting.

We jump over to Vanderpump Central where we hear the jarring news that Lisa and Ken’s adopted son Max is asking for info about his heritage.Lisa is thrown, as she has always chosen to answer questions simply, without much elaboration. Max wants to genetically test through a data base, hoping to discover answers. Lisa is nervous about how far he will take it, but knows that it’s the right thing  to do to not stand in his way.It’s refreshing to witness a real parenting struggle, instead of being endlessly lectured on how to produce amazing offspring of remarkable perfection.

Brandi shows up at Kim’s to pull off their operation damage control convo, and  we hear about the Kim’s excruciating and harrowing hospital stay. They talk about the oh so painful, 100% agony that she was in, and the massive antibiotics and steroids that led this drugged nut to believe that she had something terminal. An earlier meeting with Kyle is added to the mix, and we hop back and forth with descriptions of the gory details of Kim’s painfully terminal rib cracking, hernia journey. How does someone smoke a cigar with a fractured rib anyway? Kim describes the incident as a cough, a snap and a scream, all of which were super and dramatically uncomfortable.

Brandi and Kim try not to look directly at the camera as they hash out the details, and at just the right moment, Kim side glances and hacks out a carefully choreographed cough. Brandi responds by quietly murmuring “do you want ‘something’?” to which Kim rigorously shakes off with a triumphant, absolutely NOT. Kim tells Kyle that she took one of Monty’s pain pills, and Kyle is proud because at least Kim admitted that she’s a junkie for a change. Kim explains that something about that game night felt a tad familiar, and we flash back to that totally epic, crutch hiding first game night. 

We are treated to a  repeat performance of Kim making the same junkie excuses, and it is simply AWESOME. I did however miss that warm moment when Kim’s best new bosom buddy shrieked that she was on meth. Brandi and Kim avoid eye contact with each other, as they smack their heads in phony dismay at their uncharacteristic and silly inebriation. Kim is disappointed that Kyle made a spectacle of her, and Brandi thinks that she was darn lucky that she made a spectacle of the whole evening. Kim loves having the support of Brandi, because she really needs the support of another hot mess during this difficult time in her life. Kim draws a parallel between Kyle’s lifetime devotion and Brandi’s friendship, which sends Kyle into tears, while Brandi laments that she has enabled a freaking ton over the past three months, and that should certainly beat a measly 40+ years of stinking sister love. Brandi respects Kyle as her sister, but believes that Kyle is done, and nominates herself as the most potentially trashy replacement.  Kim thinks that Kyle hasn’t made time for her, or maybe she has, she just can’t decide. Kim looks glazed with drunk love every time she gazes into Brandi’s bloodshot eyes, and it’s disturbing.

Max is arriving at Vanderpump Central, and he and mum jump on the computer to start his heritage search. Lisa is worried about Max being confused about his identity, and Ken clears it up by quipping that his father is from Japan and his mother is from Nigeria. Lisa is concerned, but admits that it’s not about her, which I believe is the first time that such a phrase has ever been uttered on this show. 

We ricochet between Brandi and Kyle getting ready for the mixer, and Brandi’s dress is as frightening as her puffy, frozen face. Brandi hopes that her tried and true “whoopsie I was falling down hammered” excuse will fly, and get her out of acting like a raging lunatic at the poker party. 

Both Lisas, Eileen, Kyle and various gay men show up to the party and the mixing begins. We are reminded that Yolanda is away singing to her love, and that Brandi is not invited. Lisa LOVES Queen Lisa because HELLO, she smells like roses, and everyone holds their noses when stinky and unwelcome Brandi makes her entrance. Eileen is freaked because they have moved the drama from her driveway to a public place, and there is nothing for Vince to hide behind to watch the fun. Kyle is incensed that Kim would be so thoughtless as to bring that trashbox who had just hurt her to her event, and Kim continues to behave like a typical selfish addict. Kim whines to Lisa R about her hospital stay (which somehow shrunk from 8 days to 5), and Lisa is just thrilled that the crazy bitch was put away for a few days. 

We walk down memory lane, and relive some of the doozy aired instances when Brandi crapped all over Kyle, and Kyle finally sees the glory hallelujah light, and says that enough is enough. The women buzz about how gross Kim is to have pushed her agenda at Kyle’s party, and the tension is growing. Kyle approaches and apologizes to Brandi for pushing her arm, but has a fabulous ‘bring it bitch’ look in her eye. She calmly lays into her about coming between two sisters, and her utter ignorance about their family history. Brandi responds in her typical mature fashion, by calling Kyle about 8 strung together bleep words. YAWN. Confused Kim turns on Kyle, claims that she’s defending herself, and promptly forgets what day it is.  

Kyle, along with some choice flashbacks, nail Brandi as being the queen of all as**oles, and at a loss for words, Brandi threatens to make a new flashback that they won’t soon forget. Kyle invites a standing ovation from America by blurting out “You’re DISGUSTING!” in Brandi’s face, and it is a truly beautiful moment. Brandi spits out that even her husband doesn’t want her, and Kim is still confused about which woman she likes better, the blonde or the brunette. We relive Brandi’s greatest hits one last time for the road, Kyle FINALLY quits begging Kim to catch a clue, and tells her to f**k off, and CUT.

 

We continue next week, and I cannot WAIT!!

 

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