Doctor, my eyes! First thing I see is some big ol’ mama poppin’ outta her fishnets! If you put on thigh highs and you create a muffin top on your legs, take ’em off! For heaven’s sake! What wrong with your mirror, girl? I’m not even gonna mention the muffin top above the underwear! Some photo shoot this is! OMG! It’s Jhonni Blaze! Who’s that, you ask? Well only the hottest thing in da Bronx right now on top of a roof gettin’ her picture taken. DJ Kay Slay is on the roof, too, and has managed somehow to not jump off and end it all. For those of you not in the NYC metro area, he’s on Hot 97, Fridays from 12 a.m. – 2 a.m., Sunday night from 9 p.m. – 10 p.m., and the last Sunday of the month from 12 a.m. – 4 a.m. He’s around my age, so he heard Michael Jackson when he was singing “ABC” on Soul Train. Yes, that old. This is the kind of up and coming super stars that Rich knows personally. Seems he called Rich to come check out Jhonni Blaze in all her over-sized glory, but Rich already knows her. They were knockin’ boots at one time and she put his number out on Twitter, which pissed him off because he had to change his number and his billions and billions of business offers couldn’t get through to him.
Slay convinces Rich to talk to her, and we end up seeing a shot from Jhonni‘s behind, and I can’t tell you the exact last time I saw that much cellulite, but it had to do with my being at Kohl’s in the dressing room and they had one of those three-way mirrors — scariest sh*t I’ve seen till just now. Anyway, Jhonni promises Rich she’ll be good. (Of course, since this show was taped, she’s been allegedly slapped by Kevin Gates and been called out by Meek Mill for being a rapper groupie with nothing to offer.)
Diamond is hanging in Little Italy, which is downtown, below Canal Street. That means it’s down where Carole Radziwell of the RHONY lives, and everyone complains when they have to go all the way down there to meet her. (BTW, if you ever visit there, be sure to go to Umberto’s Clam House because that’s where Gambino crime family member, Joe Gallo got shot on the sidewalk.) Anyway, back to Diamond. She claims she still goes back to L.A. to see her Mom and daughter, but where’s she getting that kind of airfare? She meets up with Roc, the music producer. Oh, you never heard of him? Well, he’s got 42 whole followers on Soundcloud and has a song he produced for Kanye. Let him introduce himself: “Producer Extraordinaire — Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Miami, United States,” then he lists his New York representation, a law firm. Diamond likes Roc so she’s “stacking my deck different this time,” meaning she’s told Roc about her daughter and all that. And for Roc‘s part, he’s telling Diamond that Cisco likes to “front” and that he had a little “buzz” going on for awhile but he’s pretty much washed up. He says, “I’m mad you ever came across him cause, like, you don’t deserve a lame at all.” Okay. That’s it. Not only is Roc handsome but he’s saying all the right things. Grab him while you can, Diamond!
At Yandy‘s house, she’s cooking up a seafood feast, and Mama Judy is there to help talk sense into Mendeecees about Samantha, his baby mama, wanting more time with Lil’ Mendeecees. I could care less — pass me that shrimp, girl! Oh — very disturbing thing Yandy says — the “wedding is getting closer” — say what? Why you gonna marry this loser, Yandy? What can I say? Mendeecees is griping to his moms about how Samantha wants more time with the kid, and he doesn’t want the kid outta his house (Yandy‘s house??) It’s decided that the mess will fall into Judy’s lap and she’ll talk to Samantha and her Mom Kim since Mendeecees can’t handle his own mess.
In Central Park, Amina is doing some stupid yoga crap with her sister, Sophie. She tells her the whole sordid story of Peter. How many people is she going to tell about this humiliating situation before she wises up and leaves his ugly ass? Finally! She tells us she’s not gonna put up with this humiliation anymore and she’s gonna leave him. Hallelujah! Amina‘s gonna go to Germany to be with her family, and maybe she won’t come back! But first, her sister wants a girl’s night out before returning to the land of beer and sausage.
The loser, Cisco, is at the pool hall in the Flatiron district with Rich so he can tell him what happened. He tells Rich how Tasha wants to see another dude and how that’s okay as long as he never comes around Cisco‘s kids. Now, let’s recap. His baby mama and kids live in Atlanta, 876 miles away. He messing around with Diamond in L.A. and gosh know who else, but his baby mama must not, can not, ever never, bring a man around his kids. Okay. That sounds fair. Not. Cisco is one big-headed bald loser. Rich shows Cisco Diamond‘s Instagram pix of her and Roc. Cisco goes off. He’s jealous as hell. Amazing, isn’t it, just how dense some men can be? He tells Rich he’s gonna go see her. Remember now, he made her stay with his friend, or whatever, because he couldn’t let her into his life and/or apartment but now he’s gonna act all Kanye on her like he’s gonna marry her? LOL!!
Yandy drops in on Alisha, Tara, and Claudine having lunch. She announces she’s pregnant, so I guess she’s not that close with them all if they’re only hearing this news now. Then Tara starts in on the whole mess with Peter and Amina. She says how she’s taking the power away from everyone by just speaking her truth with them all. Yandy advises Tara that Peter should have to tell the boys why he’s not living there anymore and deal with that drama.
Cisco‘s up in Harlem recording Uncle Murda, you know, as in murder. Wow. Anyway, seems that he’s invited Diamond to the studio and getting air time is more important than working. In she walks, and tells him right away that she’s not down with him. Cisco tells her he heard about her new Boo, and she jumps right back at him wondering where he gets off “questioning anything I do because I’m single.” You go, girl. Just don’t fall off that horse. Keep on riding it baby. She does. Cisco gets all upset because his b.s. ain’t working. He says, “Get outta my face, Diamond!” So, Diamond pushes her hand in his face. The bouncers jump in before anything more can happen which is a shame, because I think Diamond could have taken Cisco down in a cage match. He’s such a whimp. He’s cryin’ in the corner, “You crossed the line – go home.” ROTFLMFAO! He invited her. She crossed the line? He’s the one with the new baby in ATL! What a clown!
Rich and Jhonni meet up since they’re gonna work together and the conversation quickly devolves into sh*t flyin’ back and forth. Rich says they were only messing around — Jhonni obviously thinks it was more than that — Rich says he got her a lawyer when she was in jail — Jhonni says so what, because he was foolin’ around with other bitches when she was in the pokey and she’s sorry she sent his number out and all that and she needs an apology — Rich says he’s sorry — Jhonni says he doesn’t mean it and wants him to get down on his knees — Rich says no way — Jhonni relents and accepts his apology because after all, she’s wants to be a big hip hop star — Rich says they need to lay down the ground rules. **Phew** How did we get through that one? Wait a minute! JHONNI WAS IN JAIL??? FOR WHAT?? She didn’t write, she didn’t call! WTF? Jhonni, I thought we was so close we was inside each other. Whaddup, girl?
Amina and Peter live in Yonkers. That’s north of NYC. It’s not even a borough. But it is part of New York state so I guess it qualifies. It’s gotta be Amina‘s pad. Peter is so desperate to make things work, and Tara doesn’t want him at her place anymore, so he’d be homeless without Amina. That must be the reason he’s beggin’ on her all the time. His new plan to bring all the kids together. Imagine how wonderful that’s going to be. His other kids finding out he ain’t never coming home again, and everyone hatin’ on Amina and her kid. Peter says he wants to plan a big ceremony in Germany, too. But Amina doesn’t even know if she wants her family to meet him. What? Her family has never met him, but they are “married” somehow, and she has his baby? Oh my….
Rich thinks he has three hot talents on his roster so he decides an outing would be in order, and where else does a big shot go on an outing but the golf course, right? Only his talent consists of Cyn, Precious Paris, and Jhonni. Yeah. And golfing? Well, it’s just a mini-putt-putt course indoors. You can’t make this stuff up. Cyn‘s gonna put on an event, and Rich tells her Chrissy should help cause she’s got all the girls. Then it’s Paris‘ turn. Seems she’s not happy that Rich is doing nothing for her but wants 15%. She went and did a video with someone else, and Rich throws that in her face but can’t answer when he’s gonna come up with something for her to do. All I can do is yell at the TV — “Run, girls, run!!”
This is followed by the next disaster waiting to happen — Mendeecees, his moms, Samantha, and her moms, Kim, all having a sit-down. Oh my. I did say Samantha‘s Mom, right? Well, Kim don’t look nothing like any woman I’ve ever met except in Rahway. She’s wearing a man’s suit jacket. She’s built like a linebacker. She’s got no make up on. What is she? Mendeecees starts complaining that Kim threatens him, and Samantha shoots back that she’s her mom and has every right, just like Mendeecees‘ mom has every right to call her. Of course, Judy, Mendeecees mom, don’t look like Mike Tyson.
Samantha and Kim say they know the kid is not getting help with his schoolwork because he’s stuttering when he reads. Judy says it’s because maybe he don’t want to be there. Judy tells Samantha to “stop fronting.” “Front how? How old are you, Judy?’ asks Samantha. “What you mean stop fronting –” and that’s when Judy picks up her beverage and throws it at Samantha, but most of it lands on Kim. Yeah. Kim. Judy better run for her life, because her runt of a son ain’t gonna protect her from Kim “Tyson!” Kim gets up and the bouncers try to stop her but she’s “Raging Bull” right now — dancing around, yelling, “I’m takin’ ya! I’m tellin’ ya! That bitch is dead tonight!” Somehow, even though Kim doesn’t look like she was able to get near her, Samantha is in the corner putting her sunglasses on. Yeah, that’s what I’d do, too. Whack. Of course, Mendeecees is standing there smiling . “Now I ain’t never gonna get Mendeecees. This is gonna be (bleep)’d up,right?”
When we come back, somehow Mendeecees and Samantha are out on the sidewalk. Who’s watching the Moms? They just left them in there? Wow. Caring. They both decide they can work things out on their own. But that’s not enough for Mendeecees. He needs more drama. He wants to get the Moms out there right now to apologize to each other. HAHAHAHAHA! Somehow, Kim is now outside, and Mendeecees hugs Kim, then she starts going off on how she’s mad at Samantha and somethin’ somethin’ and Mendeecees says, “Relax, man, relax.” A ha! I knew it! “Relax, MAN, relax!” Anyway, Mendeecees tries to calm down Kim by saying it was Samantha‘s fault for asking his mother her age. “That’s not something you do,” says Mendeecees. Okay. They agree to discuss it another time without their mothers, and Samantha and Kim get in a car service to leave. A car service. You know how much they cost? Who’s paying that tab? Cut to a shot of poor little Mendeecees walking down the sidewalk. Still don’t know where his Mama’s at.
Only in New York, kiddies, as Cindy Adams says in her columns.
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.