The Superbowl and deflate-gate are over, now onto “Celebrity Apprentice” and #phonegate! And that’s in the first hour. The second hour is a mind blower too, but I’m getting ahead of myself. We begin the episode as the teams learn of their new task which involves creating a photobomb and hashtag campaign for King’s Hawaiian rolls. The teams will be judged on creativity, brand messaging and originality. The project managers are Johnny Damon (Team Infinity) and Kenya Moore (Team Vortex).
Team Infinity consists of Johnny, Brandi, Leeza, and Ian. Ian is coming up with ideas, but nobody likes them. Brandi comes up with the chosen slogan “We rise to the occasion.” It’s not exactly, “Finger-lickin good,” but it’s not horrible. Ian scores and helicopter to snap aerial shots of New York city’s iconic sites.
Over at Team Vortex, Kenya has chosen the slogan, “I like big buns.” Geraldo thinks it’s “cheeky” and encourages Kenya to use her buns for the photos because Vivica’s butt isn’t as big. Vivica is insulted, and although this is the year of the booty, being told your butt is smaller isn’t exactly a major insult. Kenya wants to incorporate a baby who also wants buns, into the campaign, but Geraldo hates it.
In the helicopter, Johnny and Ian snap photos of the Brooklyn bridge, the Statue of Liberty and new construction in Manhattan. On the streets, Kenya and Geraldo snap pics of women’s backsides and Vivica holds Kenya’s coat. Both teams have their concept and photos and both are struggling with memorable hashtags. #thinkoutsidetheroll #wherestheyeast #theresalwaysroomforrolls. How hard can it be?
At Team Vortex, Kenya asks Vivica to work on the presentation for tomorrow, and by the way, can you look something up on your phone. What’s that, Vivica? Your phone is missing? Shock. Surprise. Horror. Where oh where can it be. Vivica says it’s like losing her child. I hope Vivica doesn’t have any children, she gives up pretty easily.
It’s presentation time and Team Johnny goes first. We learn that Johnny used to stutter as a child so he has wisely chosen Leeza to do the talking. Their photos are impressive and professional and the Statue of Liberty holding a dinner roll on her torch is pure genius (cough, cough). During Team Kenya’s presentation, Kenya speaks to the double-entendre of their concept. Big buns for big buts. Even a little baby wants to get in on the action. After the presentation Kenya suspects they might have missed the mark and forewarns us that she has some tricks up her sleeves. (Please not another double-entendre.)
In the boardroom the teams gather to hear the feedback and throw each other under the bus. The execs like Team Johnny’s photos and thought it complimented the brand. The negative was their hashtag didn’t mention the brand name. For Team Kenya, the positives were the execs thought they were articulate and the pics had the potential to go viral. The negatives, the campaign was not family friendly, and they flat out didn’t like the baby photo, calling it sexual. The winner by a homerun is Team Johnny! That’s five in a row for Team Infinity.
Vivica and Kenya go back and forth with who did what and who didn’t do anything. Again, Geraldo just sits there in the middle wishing he were covering the war in Afghanistan. When Trump presses Geraldo to speak, he says that Kenya came up with the risky slogan and Vivica did very little. So in other words, spare him. The guy who is usually on the losing team.
Kenya says that Vivica has wild ups-and-downs, has hot flashes and is going through menopause. Vivica then proves Kenya right by going off and calling her a “dirty ass bitch” and a “toxic trick.” Trump asks Kenya why she’s so nasty. Kenya says she’s not. Geraldo tells Kenya she is. Don Jr. points out that Kenya mentioned menopause on national television. Kenya says she only brought it up because Vivica tweeted about it. Here’s the exact tweet:
“This menopause is killing me. I can’t think straight. I’m acting a damn fool half the time. Fifty just isn’t sexy.”
After I stop laughing long enough to rewind what I’ve missed, Vivica is explaining to Trump about her magically missing phone. Kenya denies taking Vivica’s phone and sending out the tweet. Don Jr. reads Vivica’s prior posts and they all say something about having a blessed day. No one believes that Vivica posted this tweet. Kenya swears she didn’t steal the phone and says she should be judged on her performance. Exactly. You were the project manager. Your team lost. Kenya is fired!
Moving on. The second task is to develop a jingle for Anheuser-Busch’s Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. The goal is to emphasize their liquid awesomeness and perform it live. Joan Rivers is back to assist Trump. Hi Joan! To even out the teams, Trump sends Leeza over to Team Vortex. Now each team has three cast members. Vortex: Geraldo, Vivica, and Leeza. Infinity: Ian, Brandi, and Johnny. The project manager’s are Leeza Gibbons and Brandi Glanville.
Leeza reminds me of Glenda the Good Witch and floats in bringing her enchanted harmony to the group. Right away Leeza and Vivica click, but Geraldo feels a little left out because they don’t want the Latin theme he suggests. Leeza is thinking more of a catchy football jingle, like: Go, go, go Strawberita! Geraldo adds the hook: Nice, on ice. Everyone is satisfied and Team Vortex gets this task done in record time.
Over at Team Brandi, Ian has come up with a jingle but must dance it. He essentially sings La Cucaracha, but adds a few different words. Two things to note: it’s already a jingle and the song is about a cockroach! Something tells me this will be an epic fail with Anheuser-Busch. Johnny also whips up a jingle with a R&B feel. Brandi must choose between the two and selects Johnny’s jingle. Ian’s feelings are hurt and doesn’t want to play anymore. If this were a game of marbles, Ian would have taken his and gone home to mommy.
It’s presentation time and Team Leeza goes first. Their jingle is very catchy. Team Brandi performs next, and though it’s good, it’s not the kind of tune that’ll get stuck in your head. In a private interview Ian says that if they lose, he will be fighting for his life. Translation: he is a cucaracha.
In the boardroom Trump asks Leeza if they won. She says the team had a great time together and are no longer in an emotional coma after the “Kenya incident.” When Trump asks Brandi about their concept she says they didn’t have one. Oops. A concept? What’s that? Brandi also says Ian is a big baby. Ian proclaims they would have won if they’d just used his jingle instead. Johnny says Ian’s jingle sucked cockroaches was really bad.
Joan gives the feedback from the exec. She liked that Team Infinity mentioned all four flavors and when to drink it. She didn’t like that the jingle wasn’t catchy and included the word, senioritis, feeling it excluded men. The feedback for Team Vortex was the exec liked the tag lines “Nice over ice” and “For the thirsty in your life” and for the dislikes, there weren’t any. Leeza wins $100K for her charity that helps families struggling with Alzheimer’s! They dance away to celebrate a much needed win.
Brandi tells Trump she’s not sure what happened and recommends firing Ian or herself, but not Johnny because he’s nice. Trump points out that Ian has difficulty getting along with his teammates, and Ian disagrees with him, ultimately proving Trump’s point. Ian is asked to sing his jingle and right away Trump tells him they would not have been able to use it. Ian starts to back peddle and says he never intended to use that tune and that he never said his jingle was better. Umm, yes you did. Trump croons the two words to Ian, “You’re fired.”
He tells Ian to leave but asks Brandi and Johnny to stay. Trump explains that he likes Ian’s honesty but dislikes his teamwork. And that he’s going to fire someone else. Boom! Brandi and Johnny go back and forth with how nice the other one is and how they are friends for life. Joan says that if no one is willing to place blame, it should fall to the project manager. So guess what, they’re both fired! Double-boom! Making it a triple-boom second hour.
Tune in next week to see Geraldo, Vivica, and Leeza battle for a spot in the finals. And now for the:
Person we most want to have a drink with: Leeza Gibbons for her spot-on strategy making it this far. I will be surprised if she doesn’t make it to the finals. And if she gets tired of the entertainment news media, Leeza should consider running for office. She is able to think before she speaks. Very rare. (But please don’t choose Trump as your running mate.)
Person we most want to throw a drink at: Team Infinity! I don’t know if Trump has ever fired a 3-person team before, but this needed to be done. Ian’s arrogance is nauseating. Where’s my barf bag? And Brandi and Johnny fawning all over each other, get a room. Glad they’re all gone.