If you watch the “Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars,” you remember that on the premiere, each couple had a lie detector test with a “deal breaker” question and answer that was sealed and put on the shelf to be opened on the last show. The “deal breaker” is supposed to be the end all and be all, as if you’d instantly go to a divorce lawyer if you knew the answer and didn’t like it. Got it? Good. Now, Natalie and Heidi need to get it because the part about waiting until the end escaped them somehow. They got up early in the morning and looked at a bunch of answers and left the boxes a mess so it was obvious. During these hi-jinks, Reid came down. He didn’t touch anything, but he saw it going down. So now, these two know the answers to the deal breaker questions, like Tyson‘s answer to whether or not he’d want to be married in five years. This is the most interesting thing to happen yet. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the answers!
Everyone comes down for the day’s “drills,” and first thing outta Jim and Liz is all about how they know someone broke into the boxes and looked at the answers and they think they know who — yeah, it’s called a video camera — but they want to see if the person has enough integrity to own up to it. So, as Natalie sits there snickering, Heidi gets up and says she opened some up. She says she didn’t know they were only supposed to be opened at the end of boot camp. Jim chastises her for breaking in to the boxes and for lying about not knowing the rules. And, so? We should care, why? Is this not a reality show where the participants are supposed to behave badly? Is this not the problem they all have in their personal lives — their inability to keep things personal? Uh, yeah. Oh. Natalie got up and confessed, too. Now, the two of them have to clean out the stables. Whoop-dee-doo. Like this is Paris Island and they’re really gonna work? Don’t make me laugh, Jim!
Natalie was jonesing for a booty selfie and made Jacob take pictures of her big ol’ back, so I guess it’s not a booty selfie, but a self-aggrandizing booty pic taken by another person. Whatever you call it, it was a whole bunch of ugly going down. Jacob finally stopped. Guess there is a little shred of manhood left in him.
So for the drill, everyone is supposed to write down one word to delineate their need. Everyone wrote down several words. Then, they write them on each other’s t-shirt. Here’s the the really shocking part — Liz makes them stand up and say one of the words, then their partner cuts out that part of the t-shirt. Uh, yeah. Bra check before this exercise? See, I’m starting to think this is not so real for a reality show, because there’s no way you’re cutting up my t-shirt on television unless I’ve got my best V.S. bra on under there and am going to look chic with a cut-up t-shirt. Needless to say this stupid exercise serves no purpose other than to show us the ladies’ bras. Oh, sorry. Liz says it, tell them that these are “gaping holes” in their relationship’s health. We can always count on Liz for some finely tuned psychologically penetrating insights.
While everyone goes to eat lunch in their t-shirts, Natalie and Heidi can’t eat and have to go clean out the stables. Natalie tells us black people are afraid of wild animals and wants to pay the stable boy to do the cleaning for her. He refuses. They start cleaning the stables and Natalie starts complaining that Reid should be out there, too. Inside, Spencer rats out Reid and tells everyone he was in on the break-in. Reid says he didn’t read anything so he wasn’t really involved.
Now, they make everyone swap partners. Syleena and Reid are taking mixology lessons and speaking to each other like human beings. Jacob and Heidi are paired up to go horseback riding, and whaddayaknow? They’re speaking to each other like human beings. Natalie and Spencer are taking Jujitsu lessons, and whaddayaknow? Tyson and Aviva are making sushi, and whaddaknow? Kiwane and Rachel are out in a canoe, and whaddaknow? Ah, you get the picture by now. Everyone’s fine when they’re not needling their spouse.
Final evaluation for the day comes around, and now we get to watch everyone try desperately to come up with something interesting. In Natalie’s case, we know she’ll pull the jealousy card, so we’ll just sit back and wait for it, okay? Everyone has to stand up and talk about how the other person was being so polite that they got some idiotic need met. The funniest thing was Tyson saying he’s “too hilarious all the time.” I kid you not, dear reader. Tyson thinks he’s hilarious. He’s about as hilarious as Helen Keller doing stand up.
We finally get to Natalie and Jacob. Heidi took pix of Jacob with his shirt off and Jacob presented them to Natalie. Now we get to see Natalie do her jealousy thing about Jacob. Like his shirt off is a big deal. And then Heidi jumps in anger over Natalie touching her husband. Natalie tells us that Heidi needs ass beat. She’s reading Jacob the riot act while she’s standing over him with the ripped apart t-shirt still on and showing her tits. She decides she’s going to address it. She goes looking for Heidi, saying “Heidi, I’m gonna best your ass!”
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.