As “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” kicks off, we find ourselves back at Eileen’s party, smack in the middle of a babbling attempt at communication between Kyle and Kim, with Brandi
Drunkville Glanville incoherently staggering around in the middle of it all, thwarting any productive dialogue. Kyle tells Brandi through tears to get lost, and fights to squeak out a few words with Kim, even though I am sure that she is aware that Kim won’t remember any squeaks by morning. Brandi shares that when she had earlier approached Kyle with some loving concern for Kim, Kyle heartlessly didn’t care, so she figured that it was fine for she and her favorite junkie gal pal to just stay wasted. Brandi blurts to Eileen and Lisa that the two sisters hate each other, and then busts between the pair, looking like a jealous, flailing giraffe. Kim screeches and blubbers like a typical plastered wreck, Kyle comments that Brandi thrives on hurting people, and Kim & Brandi continue to smirk and slur needy love mumbles to each other.
Brandi wants all of Kim’s twisted loyalty, and challenges Kyle to a driveway brawl to win Kim’s devotion. Eileen and Lisa exchange their all too common “OMG these women are aliens” look, and Lisa wisely states that there is just too much drinking and drugging goin’ on with this hot mess of a cast. Lisa goes on to speak for all of us, and deserves a dozen Emmys for remarking on camera that Brandi is a DRUNK who needs rehab. Eileen nails that Kim and Brandi have a co-dependent relationship that is defined by slurring while swaying. Kim determines that all the stupid sober people might be right about her craziness, and Brandi agrees but adds that Kim’s hooked kind of crazy is just perfection… at least until she’s forced to butt kiss Lisa Vanderpump again, and fake being less disgusting for a few minutes.
Eileen and Vince sit down to rehash the train wreck, and both agree that the whole evening was strange and ugly, and that Brandi is both, and toxic to boot. Eileen thinks Brandi is needy and is always trying to recruit other users to be on her team, and Vince is just baffled that no one even liked playing poker.
We jump over to Yolanda’s, where we watch her struggle to FaceTime Bella, and drone on about the DUI again, which makes me want to go drink.
Over at Vanderpump Central, Lisa is hanging with Ken and their half a dozen fuzzy dogs, including Rumpy who has been a bad boy and was sent away to an exclusive training camp to pull himself together. He has happily returned home, having fallen for a chubby old bitch named Avery.
Lisa immediately adopts her and renames her Pumpy, impressed with Rumpy’s lack of superficiality. It’s cute..because they have the cash to hire someone to pick up such massive amounts of poop. We pop over to the other Lisa’s, who calls Kyle to lend support, and to make sure that no one hits the pain killers before her jewelry party.
Back at Yo’s house, now that both better versions of herself have flown the coop, Anwar steps into the spotlight. I am a sucker for moms and their sons, so I think it’s sweet. The mommy fun is shattered when we are forced into Brandi’s house, where she is rehashing the previous evening’s events with her friend Jennifer. Jennifer is concerned because of all of Brandi’s hammered ‘texis’ were scarier than normal, and Brandi explains that Kim fell off that wagon that she herself would never set a wobbly foot on. Brandi rambles on about Kim’s ‘full plate’, like NO ONE can possibly understand losing a loved one to cancer at the same time as planning a wedding. Brandi believes that everyone needs a ‘minute’ from Kyle, because being falling down drunk actually thwarts remembering what actually happened at any given event. She also forgets to mention that her ‘panic’ was really complete classless looniness that accompanies being a total lush. The women look like a couple of cheap mannequins straining to make concerned facial expressions. We hear from Kyle that Kim is in the hospital, with a kinda maybe ulcer, or more likely some sort of side effect from raging addiction.
It’s time for Lisa Rinna’s jewelry party, which is going to win her friends, so controlling very detail is crucial. Eileen swings by to pick up Queen Lisa, and is blown away by her gorgeous home, as we all are every week. Yolanda is with Kyle and we hop back and forth between the four women yapping about Kim’s pretty commonplace, but dramatically impossible plight. Queen Lisa remarks that even when Kim is normal, she’s a whackadoodledoo, and doesn’t even blink when hearing Eileen’s disgusted opinion of Brandi. Yolanda wonders what kind of mother would actually brawl in a driveway…HELLO…the same type that spews nastiness all over your dinner parties! The most shocking part of the segment is that I actually sort of like Kyle’s dress. The jewelry party is in full swing, and Yo greets Brandi warmly, even though the rest of the women don’t seem to want to even glance at her cowgirl inspired, crotch length dress. Brandi explains her version of the evening, and Yo immediately nails her with one of her newly crafted for season 5, ‘it’s gross to be drunk’ lectures.
Brandi tells her to back off because she can be wasted any darn time she feels like it, and lying that she isn’t the rest of the time is a-ok too. Yo believes that she is acting like a trashy child, even though behaving the same exact way last season was just adorably so “Brandi.” Eileen confronts Brandi about being rude and disrespectful, and Brandi apologizes, but snarks that these women need to lighten up and let her be rude and disrespectful any darn time she feels like it. Lisa V and Kyle later have dinner, neither of them trust Brandi, and they mutually decide that the angry attention hog should be permanently avoided like the plague.
Things heat up again next week, so I will see you then!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.