#CelebrityApprentice Recap: “Its Like a Booze Cruise with Knowledge” [Episodes 5]

We’re closing in on the end of Celebrity Apprentice with just two more taped episodes before the live finale to name the winner. Only two words can appropriately describe last night’s episode: Snooze Fest. (Or is that one word?) The drama was contrived and trivial and we are running out of interesting people, but I will do my best to make the recap more fun than the show.

Sig announces that he’s taking the next project manager’s position no matter what, even if he has to sell women’s underwear. Talk about good luck! Guess what the new task is? A boat ride around New York’s harbor. Sig raises his hand for PM and so does Brandi. The girl may not be able to steer a boat, but Brandi probably knows her way around a booze cruise. Game on.

As usual, Geraldo tries to steamroll his concept with a civil war reenactment tour. Fortunately, Kate and Vivica nix this. Sig has the dim-witted idea that because he knows the president of Hooters, he should get those girls to come on board, no matter who the guests are for the boat tour. Are they families? Are they elderly? No matter. Their theme is “Sexiest Catch.” Did I mention the winner is chosen by guest feedback?

Over at Team Brandi, Ian and Kenya want a theme now, damn it. Brandi is nervous about screwing up so she gives into the idea of Manhattan Mardi Gras. But then Brandi worries this will confuse the guests since Mardi Gras is celebrated in New Orleans and they are in New York. Kenya asks Brandi who her charity is and Brandi says it’s the “Make a Wish Foundation.” Kenya is down with helping kids and wants to put their differences aside for the sake of the kids. Their new theme is Big Apple Bonanza.

It’s the day of the tour and Sig is not a happy boater. He freaks out on two bartenders who show up late. Sig slams his hand on the table, knocking over stacked plastic cups, telling the bartenders to get effing busy or get effing going. Relax dude. This isn’t the Bering Sea.

Brandi’s boat launches first, and her Big Apple concept includes that she, Kenya, Ian, and Johnny wear red. They have a band, dancers, drinks, and joy of joy, Kenya has offered to sing her hit, “Gone With the Wind Fabulous.” Over at Sexiest Catch, Geraldo is giving the most depressing description of Ellis Island about the refugees that escaped oppression with their meager belongings to come here. Then he calls out, “Screw the terrorists!” when pointing out the new World Trade Center. Not exactly sexy, but what do I know.

Back at Brandi’s boat everyone is having a lot of fun. Her team has successfully blended information with entertainment. It’s time for Kenya—with her backup dancers—to sing her song. 

Over at Sexy Sig’s boat, the team hands out cupcakes. Geraldo asks the Hooter’s girls pageant type questions and the guests look bored out of their minds because know one cares what they think. Sig’s charity is the coast guard who do a drive by and the people wave. He’s convinced they did a great job and if the guests don’t like it, Sig wants their addresses so he can punch their teeth out. (His exact words.)

It’s boardroom time. Sig tells Trump that if they didn’t win it was because they only had four teammates. Brandi compliments everyone on her team and gives special props to Leeza and Johnny. The feedback for Brandi’s team was they had a festive atmosphere and Leeza was wonderful, but the guests were confused as to the theme and split on their performance. The words “not classy” were cited. As for Team Sig, the positives were the guests loved Vivica. The negatives were the guests hated Geraldo. Also, the female guests felt overlooked. In other words, if you’re going to have Hooter’s girls, you need to have Chippendale’s, as well. Too bad Ian was on the other team. He could have helped with that task.

The winner is Team Brandi! Brandi asks for money for the Coast Guard and Trump agrees. One by one, Vivica, Kate and Geraldo reluctantly name Sig as the person who should be fired. And trump agrees. Smooth sailing, Sig!

The second task begins with a team switcheroo. Kenya replaces Sig and Brandi does a jig. The teams are now: Geraldo, Kate, Vivica, and Kenya versus Brandi, Ian, Leeza, and Johnny. The new task is to create a themed interactive environment for Trump National Doral in Miami. Let’s face it, Trump could care less what these people come up with. This is just a shameless attempt to plug one of his properties. The PM’s are Kate and Ian.

Back at the war-room, Geraldo suggests to Kate, a character called Blue Monster as the hotel mascot. Kenya doesn’t think it’s grand enough, and she’s right. Kate assigns Kenya to prop shopping with Vivica. And these two women do not get along. 

Over at Team Ian, he is ready for his seat closer to God (his exact words) when he wins this task. Ian says that creativity and imagination are part of his wheelhouse. I’m sorry, but all I can see is a hamster running track in his wheelhouse. On the van-ride back to Team Kate, Vivica and Kenya get into it. It’s blah, blah, blah, and yak, yak, yak. I want to go back to the team. No, I want to make one more stop. Shut up! My ears are bleeding. Kate is doing her best on this task, but she’s no match for Ian and his marigolds that spell out “Doran.”

In the boardroom for the second time this evening, Brandi says that the dark cloud (her exact words) had been lifted when Kenya left. According to Trump, the winner of this task wasn’t even a close call. Don Jr. and Eric say that Team Ian’s interactive experience was luxurious and interactive. The negative feedback was their lack of focus on kids and family. Team Kate’s strength was the mascot, Blue Monster. The negatives were that it wasn’t luxurious or interactive. The winner is Team Ian. He is now closer to God because his ego has grown that much taller.

In the boardroom it’s no surprise that Kate says Kenya and Vivica’s girl drama (her exact words) were a source of constant distraction. Kenya and Vivica go at it some more, but you can’t understand most of it because they keep speaking over each other. Geraldo is sandwiched in the middle of these two, quiet for the first time in Celebrity Apprentice history. Yay! Kenya is fighting hard not to go home. She tells Trump that they are the first family of America and this works and Trump fires Kate. 

And now for the:

Person we most want to have a drink with: I’m running out of people to name, so I’ll have that drink with Don Jr. and Eric Trump for backing each other up.

Person we most want to throw a drink at:  There are several to choose tonight, but I’ll throw it at Sig. The fact that this task was gift wrapped and handed to him on an engraved silver platter, and he managed to blow it – he gets it!

 

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