Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: “Beauties in the Fast Lane” [Episode 12]

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Hey Tea Drinkers! During the aftermath of Puerto-Read Co we have The Butler, Gregg, getting his precious cargo, Nene, from the airport. She is just so happy to see him because it was simply dreadful to be away from ‘The Help.’ With no one to carry her purse all she could do is sit back and take a verbal beatdown from Claudia. She begins the Tale of Two Stories. Her version: Nene says she was attacked by certain girls. All she said was “My dear do you have a brain?” I mean what’s wrong with that? She also accused Claudia of ruining her female genitalia. That shouldn’t offend folks, should it? She forgot to mention the half-breed comment, the “I’m Rich Bitch and you ain’t Chit” shade and all things loud and obnoxious that she said to Claudia because she wanted her minions to know that she was still the HBIC. Nene tells Benson, I mean Gregg, “I apologized 15 times (seriously)!” Gregg then asks – very slowly – Is.She.Slow? No Gregg, but we all cannot be as quick and as educated as you and Nene. We are mere mortals. 


Across the peach street path is Cynthia telling her version. It goes a little like this: “Y’all Nene GOT HER ASS HANDED TO HER. IT WAS HELLA FUNNY, THEN NENE APOLOGIZED, BUT THEN CLAUDIA WOULDN’T LET IT GO AND ACCEPT THE APOLOGY AND I BROUGHT BACK SOME MANGO RUM!” Peter interjects and says, well I don’t know Claudia but I LOVE her energy. You can’t say messed up chit about folks (on national television) and then just apologize and expect them to accept it…I agree with Peter. Malorie pipes up and asks about the friendship contract, because she knows Cynthia still has it. This is when I LOVE BRAVO. They flashback and you see a humble, thinner Nene and Cynthia before their drag makeovers and they look, normal. They are entering their friendship contract. Oh the good ole days. Cynthia and Malorie find the contract in a plastic bin. Cynthia takes it to the sink and sets it on fiyah!  Well. See Peter, she is really done with Nene. We think.


Kandi and Todd are visiting Atlanta’s only OBGYN, Dr. Jackie. It has been a year and Ms. Kandi is without a bun in the oven. Maybe because you had a wedding, A Mother’s Love, A Mother’s Stress, A Mother’s Ungratefulness With Her Old House, and possibly due to THAT mess, this is why you are not preggers? Anyway, they try to infer that it must be Todd’s fault. He has to make a deposit in a cup of his choice, sans pizza, to test his swimmers. Dr. Jackie asks if he would like anything to put him in the mood. Todd suggests some music by 2 Chainz.  Yeah, now  I get it. In the meantime, Dr. Jackie advises that Kandi should stop stuffing everything caloric in her mouth and Todd should stop getting drunk because buzzed sperm does not a baby make. 


Cynthia is in her boutique/closet, looking for outfits to lend Claudia because they are going on a Girl’s Trip — Yay — for the opening of  SportsOne in North Carolina. There will be plenty of men for her too. She calls Kenya a/k/a Twirl who is excited to go, but says she better be staying in a 5 star hotel with a full team for makeup and hair. Surely she is joking because this is a Peter/Cynthia sponsored event. Just Stop It. 

Phaedra is actually being filmed *cough* working. Although we do not see any signs of legal life, or even a red rope, we do get a glimpse of her desk filled with lovely pictures and shoe decor. She is discussing the counterclaim she filed on behalf of Derek J due to weave-gate. She advises him go over his financials, to ensure he can pay her fees. He assures her his accountant is on it because he has suffered damages due to this fiasco. No, Derek J,  I think when you admitted that you were the inventor of Wigs N Cigs, Kim Zociack’s look, that was the beginning of the end. I’m just saying.


We finally see Apollo spending time with his sons. It is a cute, yet sad, scene. He lets them know that he will always love them. He asks Ayden what happens if mommy or daddy misbehaves. Ayden says “you get a time out forever!” Something tells me Phaedra has a “time out” chair for Apollo that he used frequently. Ayden tells his daddy he loves him as much as he loves caramel. Awww. So sad that your stupidity, greed and arrogance is causing you to miss out on the formative years with your sons.


Kandi, Kaela and Riley are in the kitchen discussing Kandi’s fertility problems and creating a ovulation chart because that is what you do with an 11-year-old, right? Riley shades her mom about being too old to have another baby (Mama Joyce 2.0). Todd walks in and he mentions that they want a boy. He wants a junior. Riley lets him that the kid’s last name will probably be Burress. Wow! Dr. Jackie also informs them that there is nothing wrong with Todd’s swimmers.    


Kenya, Cynthia, and Claudia are on the road to SportsOne. They are twirling, playing Kenya’s song, and Kenya is mooning folks.   Cynthia decides to phone Phaedra to see if she will join them in North Carolina. Girl Bye! The only excuse Phaedra could think of was to say she has a dentist appointment and bible study so she cannot make the trip. Kenya presses the “end” button and hangs up on Phaedra.  Honestly, I don’t see why Cynthia even called her. If her BFF and bodyguard, Nene isn’t going, why would Phaedra come? The trip is supposed to take 3 hours, but with all the stops and eating and just messing around, the ladies are really late. Cynthia knows Peter is going to be mad so she tries to rush them in the hotel to get dressed. They have a My Fair Lady moment with Claudia trying on various dresses.  Claudia is really tiny but they find a cute black little number that fits her perfectly. Bring on the men!


In the interim, Kandi and Todd take Kaela and Riley go-cart racing. When they arrive outside, Kandi surprises Todd with a tricked out white Corvette. He is happy, but apparently not giddy. Is Todd turning into Mama Joyce? Kandi in her talking head is not happy with his lack luster response. It is called entitlement Kandi. Just wait.


Over at SportsOne, Peter is all business with his staff telling them they need to have chit in order within 45 minutes because the party is about to start. Kordell, his business partner (investor), arrives and looks pleased that SportsOne is filled to capacity. Cynthia calls Peter and he basically tells her “bish you know they are not here to just see me. Hurry up, and get here!” and he hangs up. 


Kenya, Cynthia, and Claudia finally arrive and Peter calms down. They mingle, socialize and drink. Kordell and Claudia see each other and Kordell’s eyes light up. Alot. We find out that Kordell and Claudia have known each other since 1998. They all sit in a booth with Kordell on the end, Claudia next to him, with Peter, Cynthia and Kenya. Peter, apparently a bit buzzed, keeps going on and on about how fine and cute Claudia is. Kordell, like a glassy-eyed Bart Simpson agrees and licks his chops. Cynthia says “Ok Peter we get it, she’s cute!” That was code for knock it off and stop lusting. Well, at least she didn’t blame ClaudiaKenya sees this as a cue to ask Peter to show her around the bar.   


Cynthia, Peter and Kenya leave Kordell and Claudia alone in the booth. They giggle and have small talk. Kordell tells Claudia he is seeing someone- at first. Later during the conversation, he asks her out. He also asks for her digits and says he is single, I am really single by the way.” Wow that was fast. Claudia tells him he can call her but not after 11 pm because ya know, that would be like a booty call. Kordell says “not even if it is an emergency?” Run Claudia,  run away girl. You are too pretty and too smart to be Porsha 2.0. They kiss each other on the cheek and they take a selfie. Peter comes back and gives Kordell the “man you gon hit that” hand squeeze. The ladies sit at a table together and Cynthia gives a toast to friendship (and that nobody got cussed out at this event). Kenya gives a toast to the New Mrs. Stewart…Oh, Twirl,  the shade of it all.


Next week, poor Porsha makes a brief appearance (peach is getting smaller), Phaedra gets ready for Apollo’s departure, and Kenya meets with Roger Bobb to discuss a television show.

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