Fingers crossed everyone! “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” teens are safe and sound at their new schools, and hopefully the blubber fest is mercifully OVER. We start off the episode with Kyle picking up Eileen in a luxury van to whisk them all away for a spa day. Kyle just left Alexia a few hours ago, but half of her being is still bawling in Arizona, so she decided to drag her California half into some mind numbing luxury. The rest of the women are picked up in the neon accented party van, and Brandi gets predictably inspired by her surroundings, and can’t wait to start drinking. The ensuing NEVER should be talked about on TV convo is thankfully interrupted by a “Don’t forget about MEEE!” selfie sent by Yolanda, posing by Bella’s new swanky pad’s wall of hand painted tiles. The women take a moment, join hands and give a silent thanks that they weren’t shamed into contributing to another forced and awkward Hadid arts and crafts project. They arrive at the fancy spa, and massages are the first activity on the schedule.
Lisa Rinna is excited because she would hustle like a whore for a little pampering, and Queen Lisa expresses that she would rather dig trenches than get a massage next to a dirty blathering tramp like Brandi Glanville. We hear the first rumblings of Eileen’s poker party, and Lisa can barely hide her glee that she has a conflicting out of town commitment. The wine fling is rehashed, and although they all believe that Brandi is DEFINITELY sorry, the consensus is that she will most likely never stop acting like a junior high trashbox. The massage relaxation is polluted with inappropriate and gross Brandi blurts, which are actually growing to be predictable and immaturely boring.
We skip across the country to NYC to hang with Yolanda and Gigi.… try to contain your shock, because Yo is expressing her complete AWE over Gigi’s success. Gigi’s mug is on NYC buses, and there is simply no greater reward for Yo than to see her daughter SO successful….except as an actual college student, which she forgets to mention. Maybe her student ID photo isn’t so awe inspiring?
We move to the wine tasting segment of the spa day, which is a little whoopsie on the schedule, considering a supposedly recovering addict is in the gaggle of women. Kim sits and sulks for a few minutes then makes an exit, jumping on the phone, probably to commiserate about her spa induced stress to her pharmacist, coincidentally named ‘Whitney.’ Brandi shares (with a straight face) that she and Kim have gotten super close, even though Kim is committed to sobriety and Brandi has pledged her allegiance to constant inebriation.
Back in NYC, Bella arrives, as Yolanda spreads out her photos to give America a chance to gasp at another budding success story, and so the modeling world will see that there is the perfect Hadid specimen for any occasion. Yo believes that the minute that Bella hits six figures, school can be out the window, and it’s a simply breathtaking thing to see her two daughters hitting six figures at the same time. Back in the party van, the women are sharing their number one fantasies. Kyle wants to be a masked stripper, and Lisa Rinna agrees to hire her for her next party. Brandi mumbles through a graphically gross fantasy, and the women are repulsed, as usual.
Kim meets up with Kyle at her store, where Kyle is evidently celebrating gladiator day as the duo storms off to conquer lunch. They spend their sister time discussing how wonderful it is to be open about Kim faking soberness.
We jump over to Eileen and Vince’s where preparation is underway for their poker party. The evening has arrived, and Kyle swings by to pick up Brandi, who stumbles out of her house squealing and skillfully balancing about four bottles against her chest. Kyle laughs nervously through clenched teeth, while secretly worrying about the hammered mess that Brandi will likely be by the time they arrive. Kyle opens up to Brandi about the past challenges with her alcoholic sister, and Brandi responds sympathetically by nodding and plastering on her best concerned expression, while slamming back drinks. Kim picks up Lisa R, and claims that she’s feeling ‘ornery’, which Lisa immediately nails as ‘fu**ed up.” Kim is obviously on something, and Lisa patiently deals with the ‘whackadoodle’ dialogue, as we jump back to Kyle, rambling on about how secretly awful it is to have a doped whackadoodle in the family. A completely bizarre scene with Kim snarling and cursing at Lisa occurs, and Lisa wants to hustle like a stuntwoman and jump out of the moving car to escape, because it would be less painful than listening to such a mouthy nutcase.
We are treated to a short drama palate cleanser, and briefly enjoy Ken and Lisa on vacation, featuring Giggy modeling pieces from his 2015 resort collection, while enjoying a few cocktails. Back at the poker party, the women arrive, and Lisa is happy to unload Kim onto the other clueless and unsuspecting suckers. Brandi comments that Eileen’s house reminds her of somewhere a psycho would reside, starting off the evening with a classless bang. Vince begins the poker lesson, and Eileen cringes at her own stupidity for inducing such spousal torture. Kim scowls, Brandi blathers insults at Kyle’s lack of poker smarts, and the scene is painful.
Kim wins the hand and she and Brandi celebrate their bombed sisterhood in a teetering embrace. Brandi, pulling out her most desperate Ariana Grande impression, snarks that Kyle is just jealous of never quite making it big as a washed up child actress, turned junkie. Brandi wins the tournament, and celebrates by blurting out that she wants to have sex with the poker teacher, slurring that everyone is stupid, and calling Kyle a bitch.
Eileen surveys her guests with a “I just stepped in dog poop” expression on her face, and inwardly kicks herself that she didn’t have a new thesaurus as a prize for the resident gutter mouth. Kyle panics and runs to the bathroom, and Kim follows, explaining that she took a painkiller earlier. Brandi pleads Kim’s needy life plight to the other women, while struggling to keep her eyelids open. Brandi and Kim snuggle, stagger around, and bond over their mutually fragile existences and passionate love for mind altering substances. Brandi thinks that Kim needs some loyally stoned friends who won’t judge her, and nominates herself for the job. Kim snaps at Kyle, Kyle wants answers and pushes Brandi, who responds by shoving her out of the way in fierce defense of her bosom buddy’s right to remain tanked. Brandi and Kim garble their love for each other, while the heartlessly discarded Kyle begins to whimper, while trying not to slip on the flung piece of pizza. More tears…I spoke too soon!