“Dance Moms” begins this week with our new fearless leader of righteousness, Holly, coaxing all of the moms on board with confronting Abby over the crap fest from the week before, so they can begin anew with a fresh load of crap to complain about next week. They all ooh and aah in agreement, ask Abby for a moment alone, and Abby responds with a “nah, I don’t want to talk to you, Holly.” I actually loved it.
It’s pyramid time, where it’s announced that the team is headed to New Jersey, except Maddie, who is too busy opening doors for the others, by jumping around in a weird wig with Sia in LA. The new dramatic head shots are revealed, as Abby explains that they are all building brands so they can all land jobs in LA. Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid for crying, Maddie lands on the top for coming in a flat second. The group dance is about religion, and solos are doled out to Mackenzie, and to a surprise guest, JoJo, a super annoying dancer from Abby’s other dance show, most known for her sassy lisp and for wearing bows the size of dinner plates. Abby has JoJo improv, hoping that her sass will wear off on the others, and Holly thinks she’s fabulous, just like her own little hollering performer.
The group dance rehearsal begins, and Holly is disappointed that Abby doesn’t want to listen to her ramble on about problems that are never resolved. JoJo’s mom, Jess interjects that it’s just the way Abby is, and Holly is predictably indignant. Indignant with a side order of self righteous is apparently Holly’s new brand. Mackenzie is going up against JoJo, and Abby slaps JoJo’s feathered dinner plate on her head hoping that some of her spunk will seep into Mackenzie’s brain. Melissa is horrified, and prays for the power of the bow to be thwarted. Abby decides to challenge JoJo to reign in the high energy spunk, and be delicate in a lyrical number. JoJo can’t pull it off, so Abby switches gears to allow her to be her own irritating, electric self. Abby doesn’t want to pull the lyrical number, so she calls on her most delicate dancer, Sarah to step in. Sarah is sweet, but her mom is a whack job, whom Jess believes belongs in a thrift store or selling hotdogs at a Nascar event…just EW…which allows her to fit in perfectly with all of the other mothers.
We flash to a cute spot in the dressing room with the girls chatting, where JoJo dominates the chitchat as Kalani rolls her eyes, and looks as though she needs a triple dose of Advil. The two newbie moms snipe at each other in the viewing area, like two dogs fighting for thrift store dominance. The group dance is rehearsed, and Holly is concerned that Nia’s stage yelling efforts won’t be fully supported by Abby.
We jump over to LA to where Maddie is rehearsing for the Sia benefit concert with her kinda disturbing looking sidekick, and all stops for a carefully executed phone call to Abby. Maddie’s tone indicates that she thinks the convo is stupid…it looks as though someone needs to brush up on her acting skills! But the goal is accomplished, with a true star interruption bringing the group to an envious stand still. Abby critiques the group routine to Maddie, elaborating that they all stink, and Maddie wishes them luck, trying not to roll her eyes at the sheer contrived silliness of the exchange. Kira surveys the number and determines that with the two additions of delusional JoJo and scared as a bunny, Sarah, the group is doomed to failure.
They arrive at the competition and Abby isn’t there, raising suspicion that she’s hanging with Maddie in LA. Gia gives the girls an inspiring “what happens, happens” pep talk, and reminds them that in keeping with the religious theme of the week, that Abby is enormously omnipresent, like a huge bedazzled dark and hovering cloud, watching them all. Sarah performs first, and aside from the whiny shrill music, it is pretty. JoJo goes next, and it’s just ok. Abby arrives just in time to see her mini-fave Mackenzie boom boom boom it up, and she does a good job. The women whine about Abby missing two of the girls’ solos, Holly butts her nose in to push her brand, while Abby explains that she was tied up in traffic, reminding them that she’s not a judge anyway. The girls emerge in their various religious garb, and everyone is thrilled that JoJo is wearing a burka, just to shut her up for a few minutes.
Kalani looks like she represents the state religion of Hawaii. Nia does a great job bellowing, and the dance’s profound message of “believe in something already”, is effectively conveyed. Sarah wins her division, JoJo wins third in the older group, and Mackenzie takes first. The group wins second, which I thought was generous. Abby hates second and thinks that Maddie would have pushed them over the top. Jess announces that JoJo really did better than Sarah in points, and JoJo breaks the merciful burka silence and agrees. Abby reminds her that Sarah was brought in because the bows weren’t doing their job, and calls JoJo obnoxious in her talking head. Holly is righteously disgusted at Jess for breaking dressing room etiquette, and launches into a finger pointing lecture. I think JoJo AND Holly are obnoxious!
See you next week…where we do it all over again!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.