I confess. Sometimes I watch the previously segment because I’m old and feeble and have a hard time remembering things. Here’s what I learned this week:
Cisco: “I have a six-month year-old son.”
Diamond: “A WHAT?”
Now, I did not know last week that Cisco had a “six-month year-old son,” did you? I thought it was a normal six-month old son. No wonder Diamond is shocked. Who’s ever heard of a “six-month year-old son?” This is a story for Maury! Alert the media!
On to this episode, because if I try to figure out how old a “six-month year-old son” would be, my brain will explode like a supernovae. We pick up with Cisco and Diamond at some tacky club in the meatpacking district of NYC. For those of you unfamiliar with NYC, this is an area where all the butchers used to be located, hence, the meatpacking district. It has since become more famous for transvestites and transgender hookers and the like. Fun place to take a date. Travelogue over, Cisco is now trying to make nice with Diamond so they “can start a new page.” I love how this guy talks. He should do narrations for ESL kids. Just to recap, the booty call he had in L.A. now means something to him, and the baby mama doesn’t look so hot? Could it be the baby mama ain’t hot enough to get on the show, so you gotta love the one the cameras are with? (Yes, that’s a dangling participle.) Not only does Cisco look like badly shaved cue ball with eyes that are so close-set it’s hard to tell which one is the right and which one is the left, but he’s also desperate for TV time. He thinks he has a career in TV. This is why he’s trying so hard to be interesting. The monotone delivery doesn’t help his case. And by the way, may I just say I am damn tired of men pretending their hairline hasn’t receded to Mississippi by shaving it all off? I can see the shadow, dude! You’re prematurely bald! Ick.
Diamond goes on and on ranting about how he cheated when any dope could see he was never meaning to be with just her. It’s hard to believe she’s so shocked, isn’t it? What’s even harder is hearing how she refers to herself: “…D-Straw is not f(bleeping) with you anymore.” D-Straw? Did she make that up herself? Sounds like she’s a Pixy Stix®. Which makes one wonder: If you were a Pixy Stix® what flavor would you be? I’ll let you think on that one and place your answers in the comments section. Back to Diamond, she walks out of the club onto the sidewalk. She better not stand there too long because someone might mistake her for something else.
Peter is talking to Amina is some park some where in a city of 8 million people. He’s setting her up for the day he doesn’t show up for the baby’s birth. He’s pretending he’s got work. I didn’t know “Tiny” was wanting to be a hip hop artist now. (Who else would be crazy enough to hire him?)
In another cafe, Erica meets with her moms about how great her career is — you know, the “rock star Erica” that pays the bills for her son King and her family — but how it interferes with her relationships, especially those with highly-strung lesbian posers who run around with men. It’s a hard knock life, ain’t it bitch? Since I’m not convinced Erica even knows what sex she wants, it’s hard to believe she really wants a relationship, isn’t it? Anyway, like all good moms, hers tells her to keep working and then do a relationship because somebody’s got to keep Moms in the bling-wearing business. Even if it does mean her daughter behaves like a ho at clubs for money. Wait. Doesn’t that make her a Pro Ho?
Chrissy and Chink are having issues. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Chrissy is losing her edges (hat tip: RonnieIsBack on RHOA recap page right here on AATT for cluing me in to the edges.) and she’s getting harder and harder to look at like she’s a woman. The extra heavy and cheap-ass fake Chanel earrings ain’t helping much either. It’s hard to take your eyes off the ultra-low hanging ear lobe except when you’re checking the hair and trying to figure out whatsup with that? Anyway, Chrissy decides that rather than talk to Chink, she’s gonna pry the info out of Rich. Seems Rich is into Nietzschean philosophy and compares relationships to eating a steak. (We’ll discuss below.) I’m sure Nietzsche would be proud of the profound influence he’s had on this hip hop “producer.” End result: No way is Chink cheating on Chrissy, as per Rich.
Yandy hooks up with Mendeecees at the basketball court cause she wants to give him a present. She gives him a pregnancy test with a positive reading. Wow. Can he wear that as a watch?
Diamond got to sit down with her Moms and has to spill the beans about Cisco. She says she’s not gonna stay with Cisco, but she is going to stay in NYC to work on her modelling career. Modeling career. Her Moms is more worried about wanting to read the riot act to Cisco than the fact that her delusional daughter keeps saying she has a modeling career. (I did not know that “Screw Magazine” was still being published.) Look it up, kids.
Cyn meets Randa in some deserted restaurant. Funny, I can never get a seat in NY, but these women find all these places where nobody’s at. Are they taping at 8 AM? Anyway, since Randa helped launch the clothing line no one seems to be able to find to buy, Cyn wants to know what the numbers look like because she can’t trust Erica to tell her anything. I think the Wharton School of Business also advises that when you’re pretending to be a lesbian and sleeping with your business partner, you should ask about the health of the business by going to a third party and spilling your guts. It gives the whole team confidence that your a pro.
Cyn tells Randa that Erica says that Randa stole $30,000 from the business. Randa says that’s funny because Erica was paying her $1,500 per month to do everything when the mysterious clothing line is supposedly raking in $10,000 to $30,000 per month. Randa wants nothing more to do with Erica cause she feels like she’s been cheated out of money. Cyn hasn’t been paid any money. Anyone got a forensic accountant we can call to straighten this out? Not to worry: Cyn is gonna handle it.
Bridgetown, Barbados. Peter and Tara and the kids. He lied to Amina by telling her he had “work” in Trinidad in order to spend time with Tara in a McMansion in Barbados. He even calls her to tell her about his “work” schedule and that he misses her. I guess phoney-ass marriage shams are okay on reality TV and God doesn’t count that kinda crap against you, right? The Big Man understands you gotta turn a trick or two to get along in this life, right?
Cisco visits Diamond‘s mother and he gives her the same pseudo-psycho BS he tells Diamond to excuse his behavior. Cisco is a real mensch, and he’s ready to forgive Diamond and make it right. Moms wants him to leave Diamond alone. That shouldn’t be hard.
Chink has some new rapper called J. Dinero and that’s gonna keep him busy. Chrissy pops in to surprise him. Seems he didn’t bother telling her he was back in town. Chrissy says we’ll talk when you get home. When Chink smart mouths her back, she tells him he won’t have no home, but that’s cool, because according to Chink, he’s got homeys.
Awwww, we cut to a slo-mo montage of Amina pensively wandering about the house with her baby bump. Then we cut to Peter and Tara having a beautiful time, and Peter tells us he made a big mistake and wants to go back to Tara. ROTFLFMAO!
Cyn hit up Erica and they talk in the car. I can’t make it out even with the subtitles on, but there’s some kind of issue. Clothing line. Randa. Disrespectful. Bow-Wow. You don’t know how to talk to people. Oy vey! Pass the Excedrin Migraine someone – anyone! Erica gets out of the car and Cyn decides to follow her to carry on with the most unproductive “discussion” I’ve ever heard. The ever present body guards seem confused too, and are just waiting for some weave pulling to go down. It doesn’t. Snooooze fest.
Back in Barbados, Peter and Tara are having a romantic dinner while the kids are asleep. Here it goes! Peter: “Do you think we could ever maybe get over the situation and put it back together?” Tara: “Beyond not deserving that, at what moment did you stop to think of me?” Then she says he gave her “garbage to swallow.”
Peter asks a question, and any good lawyer will tell you to not ask a question you don’t know the answer to, but he does anyway: “Does the good outweigh the bad?” Ooooh. Ouch. Tara: “The bad outweighs the good.” Peter: “I don’t believe you….you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t interested.” Tara: “I want you to leave me the bleep alone!” Peter: “I’m not comfortable right now.” And then Peter gets up from the table and walks away. Well, we’re all not comfortable right now, but we can’t just get up and walk away from the TV! Who the bleep does he think he is?
Well, I’m just exhausted! Pass me the Xanax and a Jack Daniels and leave me alone till next week!
Wendy Owen is a freelance writer for All About The Tea.