“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” kicks off at Vanderpump Central, where Queen Lisa and Ken are having tea, and discussing the upcoming lunch with Brandi. Lisa has decided to listen to the tramp in order to thwart the gang up mentality that ‘these women’ seem to love. I am too distracted by the couch pillow emblazoned with Giggy’s head to be focused on a sure to be snoozy, repeat of a showdown.
We flip to Brandi driving to lunch, wearing a Queen Lisa inspired dress, clearly determined to not be out-classed in at least one scene. She explains in her talking head, (dressed in a more characteristic slutty number) that Lisa is stubborn, and will probably never apologize for clamping firmly to her Housewives throne. We see Lisa regally float into the restaurant, while flashing back on last season’s attempted overthrow, and are reminded of Ken’s past protectiveness over Brandi. Lisa has a big problem with Brandi turning on Ken, and Brandi argues that Ken should have hung with her, even when taking down his beloved became a little dicey. Brandi stupidly comments that she and Lisa share the same personality, and Lisa smirks and almost falls out of her chair in disagreement. Lisa apologizes about Scheana-gate just to shut Brandi up, and Brandi elegantly apologizes for being a mutual a**hole.
We flip to a photo shoot with that crappier version of Yolanda… daughter Bella, who is working through the shame of being nailed driving drunk, by modeling half naked and planning her dazzling future in NYC. Yolanda has lost confidence in Bella’s decision making, and describes the hard loss of privileges that she imparted on the teen, as they banter about which luxury NYC apartment might be the perfect fit. Bella strikes that classic teen-appropriate finger in the mouth pose, as the duo agrees that Yo is always right about virtually everything.
Yolanda, Eileen, Lisa R and Brandi meet up for dinner, and we hear the first chatter of Yo and David’s dinner party. Yolanda can’t wait because it means another opportunity to cozily gather around the piano and snap at her guests to shut it…plus there will be smores afterwards.
We skip over to Kyle’s, where we are learning how to do laundry, because her kids are leaving and they have no idea how to wash their clothes. Kyle and Alexia weep together about her impending move to college, while Kyle anxiously hopes that her kid won’t be as big a fool as that reprobate daughter, Bella.
We return to the hen gathering, and it appears to be about 12 hours later, as the women drink wine and chat about their husbands. Brandi tosses out that Eileen and her husband were both married when they met, and are most likely dirty cheaters…the both of them. Eileen is honest and pretty much confirms it, and due to the fact that every guy Brandi falls for changes their mind about hanging with a trash box, she is angry. Brandi flips some cash at Eileen and challenges her to a tramp-off, because slutty villains are her absolute favorite. Eileen throws her a b*tch please, and explains that she does not want to work during her time off. Brandi decides that no is the wrong answer, and flings wine in her face, hoping to watch her teenage hero spring to life, and as a bonus, symbolically pay back all dirty cheaters from all scorned women of America. Everyone is mortified, and Eileen is shocked and hurt, but is gracious enough to shake it off, and just label Brandi as super icky. How very true.
It’s the night of King David and Yolanda’s dinner party, and Yo is worried about her good pal Brandi bringing the Factor of ICK into her home, because it has been established that Brandi is only allowed to be her unique self outside of Foster property lines. Yo fills Kyle in on the wine toss, and they bond over their horrifying choice to be friends with someone so darn gross. Babyface is the King’s show-off celebrity of the evening, the guests arrive, and the story of the wine fling spreads. Lisa expresses relief that at least the ICK is being flung in a different direction, while we witness the soap opera wannabe making her entrance, wearing something resembling a black baby doll nightgown. The fridge from Heaven makes a cameo in a cute scene with the two Lisas gushing over it’s beauty, and it is the funnest moment of the show. Brandi is having soap star regret anxiety, so she pulls Eileen aside and apologizes. Eileen thinks that it’s weird, kinda like getting kissed and slapped with ick at the same time. Brandi explains that she is generally a drunk wreck, and truly thought that she was an extra in a Days of Our Lives scene at that moment. Eileen asserts that it felt like an attack, and Brandi raises Eileen’s spirits by assuring her that at least she has been crying with dramatic remorse.
Kim prances in and Brandi immediately confesses, with loopy Kim expressing pride that at least Brandi has grown in her awareness of what constitutes acting revolting. Yo gives a toast to her King, for not dumping her while she was sick, Eileen’s Emmy win, and throws shade at Lisa by toasting the Pump opening while complaining for the hundredth time about not being invited. Bravo replays the scene where Ken touches Yo’s arm, inciting Yo to blast him in public, while we simultaneously relive the horror that was once Yolanda’s hair. Kyle nosily butts into Lisa and Brandi’s beeswax, and King David snarks at Brandi to cut the flirting with his married celebrity showpiece. Brandi respectfully responds by crapping on the dinky size of the star’s wife’s ring, with Babyface wisely pointing out that it sounds to him like a personal, trashy woman scorned issue.
It’s time for smores by the fire, an attention grabbing strut from Yo, and lots of slurring blathering from Brandi. After listening to more of Brandi’s gushing super fan praise, Lisa and Eileen escape and agree that Brandi is a crazy, pathetic and really tanked three year old. Pretty much. Brandi plunks herself on King David’s lap, and later steps up the gross by wrecking the cozy Babyface piano time with a trashy remark. Where is the SSSHHHH when we really need it?? The song is silly, the mood is ruined, and Lisa Rinna nails Brandi as white trash.
See you next time, when the trashy ick will surely roll on!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.