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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Fifty Shades of Shade [Episode 9]

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RHOA

Hello Tea drinkers!  Now the chit is getting real…shady.  Let’s go!

We see meet up with Peter and his sponsor, Cynthia, as they are scouting out a new location for Bar One due to the fact that the building owners were subject to foreclosure. Cynthia lets us know that yes, she supports her man because they are married.  Her money is his money.  I say, gurl no explanation is necessary.  It is obvious that Phaedra gave Apollo an allowance and an air mattress upgrade, Kandi supports Todd financially and Nene most definitely supplements Greg’s social security checks, so do you boo.  Just please remember to keep the bank accounts separate. Always.

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Next up, Claudia is visiting Kandi and they are starting to bond – with sex talk. Claudia likes Kandi and feels that she can learn from Kandi on how to increase your coin.   She also admires that fact that Kandi is secure enough to support other women who are trying to become successful. I agree. Only two things would stress out Kandi: If Chick Fil A goes out of business and Mama Joyce.  Claudia you have nothing to worry about.  Kandi asks if Claudia knows Porsha. Claudia spills tea that she and Porsha partied in Miami and Porsha was trying to hook up with an African. Sidebar:  Claudia later lets us not only did Porsha her African man, she has joined a Nigerian harem, or something like that. Kandi and Claudia discuss “Kandi Koated Nights” and they have a good laugh about knob slobbing. Kandi is happy to finally have a girl in the group who is not pretending to be a virgin like that ex-stripper, Nene.

Phaedra is trying to get a security fence installed around her Mini Mansion. I say, hunty, everybody knows if you want to live in an exclusive subdivision, you do not install a fence, YOU MOVE TO A GATED COMMUNITY.  Didn’t that come in the rental handbook? Tsk Tsk. As she is making arrangements with the subcontractors, Apollo drives up and let the workers know that he is the man of the house and whatever they need to discuss they should discuss it with him.  He then tells us that he just doesn’t get any respect ala Rodney Dangerfield.  Awww.  Maybe you will get better treatment in prison around your peers Apollo.  Meanwhile, across the street, somebody is getting cable installed.  That’s how they roll in Buckhead, I guess.

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Kenya and Aunt Lori share a girly spa day. Kenya loves her aunt and tells her that it is because of Auntie Lori, she has turned over a new leaf and actually made up with the girls. #KenyaHasAPorshaMoment.  #TheyStillHateU. Aunt Lori is pleased as punch and feels all a girl really needs is a facial and a smile. Not so fast, Kenya says Nene needs a lot more. Then she opens up her shade Bible and reads the page on all of Nene’s plastic surgeries: Botox, liposuction, nose job, boob, job, etc. Aunt Lori isn’t pleased but Kenya says hey it’s not shade if it is true, right? #NeneTaughtUWellKenya 

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Speaking of Nip/Tuck Central, we arrive at Nene and Greg’s home where she has so many packages coming to the house, what’s a girl to do?  Is this where they shipped all those sold out bat winged capes? Nene receives a call from her manager who informs her she is Broadway bound because he has been selling her to anyone who would listen. Greg can smell the money. The manager mentions, Chicago, Rock of Ages and Cinderella.  Nene is feeling meh on the Cinderella gig, but loves the idea of Chicago or Rock of Ages. She fears that with Cinderella, she will have to dance and sing.  Gurl that is what they do on Broadway.  She also says playing a meanie stepmom will be quite a stretch for her.  #NotAccordingToGreg’sKids  #StopLyingNene

On the set of Kandi Nasty Koated Nights, they are getting ready to interview Claudia and Todd is barking orders. Yes Todd, you are trying to be a boss and we see that. However Kandi still hasn’t legally changed her last name, so slow ya roll, m’kay? After watching Kandi’s interviewing skills, I truly believe Andy Cohen would never be in any danger of Kandi taking his spot on Watch What Happens Live. #NotImpressed  #KandiKeepYourDayJob

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Phaedra and her momma drive to a Bar Conference where she gets an award (that I am sure they bought from Things Remembered just for filming). A better story line filler would have been if she received an award from Funerals R Us.  Just stop the madness Bravo.

Kandi is prepping for her sex toy party. Todd jokes only bitches will be attending. Really Hobbit? There is a half naked girl lying on the table covered in cupcakes.  #Fail. Nobody wants fishy cupcakes. There are plenty pieces of cubed cheese and meatballs for all.  #Classy. The ladies arrive and Phaedra is salivating. Just when you think everybody will get along, here comes Kenya. She gives everyone a hug, but gets the cold white shoulder from Nene. Kenya didn’t you know y’all are secret friends? 

RHOA Nene

Kenya is baffled. Cynthia is baffled and even Porsha looks confused. Nene explains in her talking head she treats folks like a one night stand. What happened last night, doesn’t matter in the morning.  I say, we know Nene, just look at how you treat your slave husband Greg. Kenya says she will never kiss Nene’s ass because her lips are not that big. Claudia comes to speak to Nene and gets rebuffed as well. But Claudia isn’t having it.  Linebackers do not intimidate her. She approaches Nene and calls her out for her snobbery. #LovingHer. Kandi says Nene is bringing a bad vibe to her party. 

RHOA Claudia

Kandi has a sexologist present at the party they pass out bondage ropes. Kandi suggests that Nene and Cynthia are tied together and Nene basically says Hell2ThaNo. They tie Nene and Claudia up instead.  Nene remarks they are now BFFs. Claudia retorts “then act like it!”  #NeneYouHaveMetYourMatch. Kandi and Kenya are strapped together and horse around.  Next is the share circle. All the women go around speaking about the men in their lives. Demetria speaks about Roger Bobb (I finally get to drink!) and how great the “D” is and the room goes quiet…except for Kandi’s friend whose name is Gocha, pronounced “GoShay.” Gocha asks Demetria how long had she been Roger Bobb’s boo. Demetria says off and on for 8 years. Gocha then informs Demetria that she too was dating Roger Bobb 2 years ago (in-between their 8 years). #The ShadeOfItAll. The women are in shock and some start to laugh. Demetria walks out and Cynthia follows her to see if she is okay. They all decide the situation was really embarrassing.  I say I smell a effin set up for sure. Claudia says “this chit is real.” Yeah, gurl, RHOA is real shady, just wait. Outside Demetria tells Cynthia that Gocha is lying through her blue wig. Inside, Nene who knows how to keep a slave in check, tells us that it is foolish to think a man will date you for 8 years, and put a ring on it. I think Princess Kate, you know the one who waited 9 years and married Prince William, would beg to differ Nene. However, Nene, is almost 50 and Demetria is in her 40’s so hey she may have a point.

RHOA Demetria

Next week, Puerto Rico and the claws come out. Demetria shades Phaedra and Nene and Claudia go at it. Yassss!

 

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