Celebrity Apprentice Recap: May the Gods of Good Pies Be With Us [Episode 1]

So much hype about the upcoming season of “Celebrity Apprentice” and yet where was the tribute to Joan Rivers? For a two-hour show, couldn’t they spare more than 5 seconds to pay their respect? Someone should be fired for that.

The show starts with Donald Trump assembling the men and woman in front of Rockefeller Center to explain the first task. It’s cold outside, the wind is blowing, but Trump’s hair stays in place as he tells the contestants that they will be making and selling pies. A cash bonus will be given for the best pie, decided by Buddy the Cake Boss. The groups are told to go back to their suites, choose a team name and a project manager.

The men’s team: Vortex is comprised of talk-show host Geraldo Rivera (project manager), Deadliest Catch Sig Hansen, musician Kevin Jonas, NFL player Terrell Owens, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, actor Ian Ziering, MLB All-Star Johnny Damon, and actor Lorenzo Lamas.

The women’s team: Infinity has actress Keisha Knight Pulliam (project manager), gold-medal gymnast Shawn Johnson, TV host Leeza Gibbons, gold-medal snowboarder Jamie Anderson, reality star Kate Gosselin, RHOA star Kenya Moore, actress Vivica A. Fox, and RHOBH star Brandi Glanville.

Piers Morgan enters the women’s suite to serve as mentor on this task. Without wasting time Piers tells the group this is about raising money and warns about potential backstabbers. Ivanka Trump visits the men. When she enters they all sit a little taller, though she doesn’t give much advice, she’s actually star-struck by 90210 & Sharknado star, Ian Ziering. And by the way, it’s pronounced I-an not E-an. Get it right, Geraldo.

Kevin Jonas is put in charge of social media since he has 4.2 million followers on Twitter. (That’s nearly double Donald Trump’s followers.) But Kevin has already sent out his tweet and is ready to get in the kitchen and make pies, but Geraldo is wasting time giving a pep talk, saying stuff like, “When in doubt, get the word out.” #makesnosense.

The teams must make two pies: one sweet and one savory. Team Infinity decides on a pear/blueberry for the sweet and a taco, no make it that enchilada, oh hell, throw them both together and call it a taco-chilada pie. Team Vortex makes an ice-box pudding pie for the sweet and a low calorie chicken pot-pie for the savory. Sig Hansen was in charge of baking the pie crusts, but oops, he burnt them. Too bad Sig wasn’t asked to drive a boat through a storm because that probably would have been easier for the guy.

Clips are shown of Geraldo on the phone. Gilbert supervising balloons. Jamie telling the other women to pitch in. And Keisha all over the place. 

Kenya wants to talk about the elephant in the room. Why hasn’t Keisha called her TV dad Bill Cosby to ask for money? Things that make you go, hmmm. Kevin says that everything went great in the kitchen, but how would Geraldo know since he didn’t walk down a flight a steps to find out. Lazy. Spending all that time raising funds instead of holding the other men’s hands.

Even before the doors open, Team Vortex is far more organized, handing out flyers about the event, placing posters in the window, schmoozing with the crowds. Johnny Damon, Terrell Owens, Gilbert Gottfried did a great job. These marketing strategies did not occur to anyone on Team Infiniti and the women are lacking confidence in project manager, Keisha.

When the doors open, Team Vortex has a line around the block and right away receives big donations. The atmosphere is banging at their store, despite the burnt pies. Team Infiniti has a line, though it’s moving slower, and there isn’t any buzz. They are selling pies, but $20 tips ain’t going to win this. Kate Gosselin is standing around, on her phone, probably checking in on her 8 kids, instead of going outside and flagging more people to come in. The only action in their store is a pie fight between Brandi and Kenya.

Buddy the Cake Boss stops by Team Vortex. His thoughts on the savory pie is that it lacks salt and the sweet pie was over cooked. Uh-oh Sig, hope your goose isn’t cooked. At Team Infinity, Buddy thinks there are too many competing flavors in the savory taco/enchilada pie. #notashocker. The good news is he likes the sweet pear/blueberry pie.

Piers stops by both pie stores. At Team Infiniti he is underwhelmed and Kenya points out Keisha’s weak areas. Over at Team Vortex he notices the high energy of the place. Piers asks who has brought in the least amount of donations and we learn that Lorenzo Lamas has only earned $100. Ouch. That’s embarrassing. On the women’s team Kate Gosselin and Jaime Anderson haven’t raised money either.

It’s time for the boardroom! Geraldo thinks his team did a good job. Keisha thinks her team did their best. Keisha won’t say if she thinks they won or lost, but Shawn Anderson will – she thinks they lost because the men had better access to fundraising. Donald asks Kenya who the weakest link was and without hesitation she says Keisha.

Donald asks Geraldo if he had to fire someone, who would it be? Geraldo says the person who raised the least, which would be Lorenzo. And like a kid ratting out who ate the last cookie, Kevin Jonas tell Donald that Geraldo doesn’t know how much money each man raised.

The winner of the better pie goes to Team Infinity! Kudos to Jaime Anderson who created the recipe. Now for the bottom line: including the $25K for the pie bonus, Team Infinity raised $93,862. Team Vortex blew them out of the oven at $185,322. Geraldo’s charity, Life’s WORC, an organization that opens community-based homes for individuals with developmental disabilities, will receive the money..The men leave the boardroom and watch the bloodshed back at their suite.

Keisha pleads her case, but it brings us to the most interesting and important dialogue of the entire show. Donald asks Keisha why she didn’t call Bill Cosby. Keisha explains that she hasn’t spoken to him in five years and didn’t feel it was right to call for money. Who knows if that’s the real reason she didn’t call. Perhaps she didn’t want to drink the Bill Cosby cool-aid to get the check, and who could blame her.

Keisha is instructed to pick two women to return to the boardroom. She chooses Kate Gosselin (good choice) and Jamie Anderson (bad choice). Why bring the girl that was responsible for the team receiving the check for $25K? Kate was very not herself when she spoke, saying things like, “Thank you for letting me explain that rude comment I just made” blah, blah, blah. If only she had spoken that way to Jon Gosselin, maybe they’d still be together. #probablynot. Anyway, it’s no surprise, Keisha Knight Pulliam was the first contestant to hear those two dreaded words, “You’re fired!”

Introducing a new segment each week to pick out those that were the unsung heroes of the show and the most irritating of the show.

Person we most want to have a drink with: Hands down, Gilbert Gottfried. At first he was a little annoying, but then you saw that he really has a heart of gold and just wants to make us laugh.

Person we most want to throw a drink at: Easy choice, Kate Gosselin. She hardly smiled through out the entire episode. I’m not sure she really likes to be around people that she can’t boss around. She didn’t contribute very much and doesn’t seem like a lot of fun.

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