We start off this week’s episode of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” at Kim’s house, where despite the fact that her entire family is barfing, she invites Kyle into her den of cooties to calm her wedding fashion jitters. When Kim shows Kyle her dress, Kyle responds with a breathless thumbs up, comparing it to a classic mother of the bride’s dress. HUH? Besides maybe an 80’s prom gown, there could be no classically uglier dress than a mother of ANY bride’s dress. Kim models the number, which resembles a gold encrusted doily.
Brandi is meeting with her podcast boss, who wants her change her entire personality by cleaning up her sludge mouth, in order to haul in the bigger advertising bucks. Brandi’s loves being unfiltered, but she loves cash even more than her adorably trashy nature. Brandi reassures him that even though she doesn’t trust herself, if the price is right, she can definitely relocate her dirty trap to a place that doesn’t resemble a full dumpster. Her boss looks skeptical. Just in case every single previous scene during the season hasn’t convinced you…Kyle and Mauricio are rich….really, REALLY RICH!! So loaded that their teens hobnob between France and Spain as their mother giddily feigns middle class disgust while blabbering about it. Kyle and Mauricio are packing for their trip to Majorca, and everyone’s in an excited frenzy, except six year old Portia, who is SO over all of the scurrying peons, and their insipid chatter.
Ken and Lisa are going shopping for Giggy, because Ken is ridiculous and can’t tell a sort of scroungy dog from a baby. The Giggster needs jammies, because he’s a modest pup, and real babies rarely sleep naked. They force Giggy into a purple ruffly onesie, and it’s the first time I have ever seen a dog actually look embarrassed.
We meet Eileen’s family, while her third husband, Vince, who was a teen idol, tennis star, and is now a poker host, sets up a slip and slide in their yard during a family play day. They have three boys, and the family seems strangely normal.
Back in Spain, the Umansky clan has arrived, and meet up with their jet setting, and extremely financially blessed daughter. They locate their giant, and super extravagant rented yacht, and Kyle slips in that she would like one named Kyle as a gift, because after all, Mauricio’s impressively lucrative career can handle it.
Yolanda is coming to visit, because a little showy wealth can really be just what a friendship on the mend needs. Kyle is crossing her fingers that her yacht can beat up Yolanda’s cheap dinghy as Yo jumps aboard. We see some video of Yolanda and David cruising around Turkey, and I am a bit shocked to see Miss World Traveler prancing around in a skimpy bikini, barely offshore from a modest Muslim country. Yolanda overdoes it again by lecturing us about the importance of loving your lovely lover in the most loving way possible. I can almost see her lovey King, whom she loves so much, wincing. I was hoping her water bagel would lovingly toss her to shore.
Back in Beverly Hills, the two Lisas are taking a break from their worker bee hustle, to have lunch. Lisa V likes Lisa Lips because she doesn’t look for trouble and she always charges her phone, unlike some of her other so called friends. Lisa V alludes to some of the past issues with the other women, but Lisa Lips is up for whatever, until she can’t pull off a quick enough hustle to dodge a back stab. We hear the news that Lisa V is being honored with a star on a Palm Springs sidewalk, and she invites the other Lisa to go along.
We skip back to Spain, where Kyle is wearing a dress that makes her feel Spanish, while seeing the sights. Kyle has a great time pretending to be a dress twirling local, and as a bonus, Yo likes her much more when she’s posing as an adorable European. Yo lost her dad at seven in a car wreck, and her mom is ill, and I start to sense an overt story line structure taking shape. We take a quick and kinda cute break, and learn that the whole family thinks that Eileen’s hubby is a crappy and hard to take tennis coach.
Brandi has broken out her most desperate Ariana Grande look to announce that she has gotten past the SO last episode anxiety about needing silly luxuries like living in the same home for over a year, and college educations, because she just put the money to WAY better use and has secured a car worth six figures. Brandi’s GOT this, and she’s hoping that her boys won’t think that she’s rich, when she brags about big pimpin’ it over to their dad’s place on visitation drop off and pick up days.
Yo and Kyle are sandwiching Mauricio, cruising the seas, and bonding over their daughters leaving for college. Yolanda doles out her most sage parenting wisdom, and all seems flawless, but the story line is advancing, and a dark and imperfect cloud begins to form. However it’s clear skies back in Beverly Hills, and time for some lighter fun, as we watch the two tipsy Lisas shop for the upcoming big sidewalk star event. They have eaten too little, and that always means double trouble with these two. It’s a cute and giggly scene.
Back in Spain, Kyle jumps off the boat, and evidently we are all supposed to be proud of this amazing display of water bravery. The squealing approval ends abruptly, as the dark cloud descends in the shape of a ringing phone call, delivered by King David. He has called Yo to break some bad news about her better version child #2, Bella. Bella has been nailed with a DUI, and Yolanda is sad and disappointed. I feel for her, but her self absorbed, preachy attitude never quits, and I am WAY past sick of her.
Until next week all!