Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Friend or Faux [Episode 5]

I’m visiting Atlanta this week y’all, and we begin with Kenya dropping in for a visit with Claudia. Kenya barrels in, gushes over Claudia’s new apartment, dubs it the sexiest pad in town, and wishes that she had had the foresight to show up naked.  Claudia is excited about her new hot digs, because she passed her credit check, and even scored a sucker to help her assemble her Ikea shipment.  Kenya acts snooty about drinking out of throwaway cups, and Claudia snarks back that worn out Kenya should be thankful to drink out of her smokin’ hot red solos. Kenya catches Claudia up about several of the women not believing that a shifty crook like Apollo, would actually tell a fib and Claudia backs her up, sagely remarking that being a crazy, ashy diva doesn’t make you a lying whore. These two are fun together, and Claudia seems like a straight shooter. They give up on the furniture and depart to find some guys with screwdrivers, and some legit wine glasses.  

Kandi and Todd are examining Kandi’s old house, and the place is in shambles, due to an abandoned hack job reno project started by Mama Joyce’s boyfriend.  Kandi had given MJ the home, who went on to determine that she and her crack craftsman love interest could suck more square foot luxury out of Kandi’s checkbook, and proceeded to leave the place a half demolished, wreck.  Kandi is pissed, and Todd is sick to death of Kandi never holding MJ accountable for any of her awful behavior. Kandi admits that he is right, and decides to send MJ only two dozen roses to teach her a hard lesson. 

We flip to Cynthia’s kitchen where her mom and sis are visiting for the weekend. They rehash the NeNe friendship crash and burn, and Cynthia shares that she is tired of the constant public banter. She launches into just a smidge more banter, and calls NeNe out on the ‘open for dialogue’ sham she is selling, when in reality, she is only receptive to those who agree with her.  We flash back to the beginning of the end, and relive the horror of NeNe’s clorox helmet hairdo. Cynthia nails it, by stating that she is just fed up with the self centered shine of NeNe Leakes, and  continues the sharp insight, by commenting that NeNe doesn’t have the tools to treat people decently, and even worse, to choose decent wigs.

It’s time for guacamole at Phaedra’s, and she is morphing into someone that I barely recognize…at least on the outside. Kandi arrives, and Phaedra chachas and snaps back into her kitchen, and while trying hard to stifle a giggle, spills some troubling details about her delusional, slammer bound hubby. Phaedra labels Kenya a serial liar, and accuses her of paying off Apollo to cover her butt, because after all, covering her own butt is Phaedra‘s most lucrative career, and she definitely knows all of the telltale signs. Kandi thinks that Phaedra just doesn’t want to admit that her husband is a pathetic con artist, because accepting that prison bound criminals lie, might challenge her judgement for choosing a thug to father her kids. Kandi wants all of the women to get together to clear the air, move on…you know…that classic Housewife pipe dream. Phaedra rolls her eyes so hard that one of them is almost crushed by a rogue chunk of falling eyelash.

It’s time to break for a teen moment, because Brent Leakes is learning how to drive, and that crazy old geezer Greg, breaks out his eccentric crash test dummy wear to cushion the impact of the teen running over some cones in a parking lot. NeNe vents to Greg about the upcoming give peace a chance dinner, while stomping, snorting and tossing her talking head, braying that she doesn’t owe that whore Kenya an apology, because she never even called her the W word. Greg shakes his head in compassionate agreement, nicely covering the fact that he actually turned down his hearing aid about an hour ago.

We are hitting the gym with the dynamic duo, because Claudia desperately wants Atlanta chic, concrete laden butt cheeks like Kenya.  Kenya pushes her hard, by teaching her how to roll around on a butt blasting ball. Claudia opens up about her heritage, and how being biracial affected her as a child. Claudia’s Italian mom is coming to visit, and their relationship is strained, which brings empathetic sympathy from Kenya. Claudia took shots from all sides growing up, and especially missed having her dad around.  

We jump to a cute lunch with Kandi and Auntie 1 and Auntie 2, AKA The Old Lady Gang, because they’re fun, and Kandi needs to laugh about her demolished house.  They eat fried food, cackle about baby makin’, and indulge in family gossip. Kandi is annoyed because MJ is a self righteous hypocrite and was downing Todd, while shacking up with some guy who gets off on destroying her bathrooms.

The dinner of new beginnings has arrived, and Phaedra, always grubbing for the spotlight, turns on her forced shtick deflection act, while obnoxiously making a mockery out of prayer. Kandi looks uncomfortable. Cynthia arrives, and Porsha flounces in wearing a designer dress, raising all of the few still movable eyebrows in the room. NeNe makes her grand white queenesque entrance, evidently fresh from her Paul Revere’s Ride reenactment commitment. Kandi shoots for a  kumbaya moment, but Apollogizegate quickly takes over. Kenya continues to defend herself as Phaedra bleats out the same mantra…. that Kenya quacks like a bright yellow alcoholic-whore-slut blah blah blah. 

Kandi steps up and admits that Apollo’s confession is a game changer. Porsha sharply determines that an apology is cool if you feel like it. Phaedra blinks and tries to keep her head upright from the crushing backwards neck yank of her humongous braid, while they all enjoy a meal of stale crackers. NeNe and Cynthia launch into their issues, and NeNe claims that while she was really too busy being successful to even notice a fallout, Cynthia IS pretty darn disloyal, and is also controlled by Peter, who has also been known to be kind of a bitch. The word FRIEND is repeated about 50 times, and by this point, I don’t know if any of these women will be friends. What was I thinking, coming to Atlanta anyway??

 

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