“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” begins in the yet to be seen bathroom of Lisa Rinna, who is prepping for a birthday night out at Lisa and Ken’s restaurant, Pump. Turning 50 sucks, but having an awesome bod sure must take the edge off! Her girls pick out a boring outfit, which Lisa rejects, and later emerges in a banging purple number that most 25 year olds would kill to look that good in. We hop to Yolanda’s house where she is clunkily chopping cheese, and greeting Gigi and her pal who are visiting for a few days. Gigi is amazing because she manages to model half naked and study criminals at the same time. Yo shares that Gigi’s modeling career MIGHT cause her to….wait for it…put college on the back burner, but rest assured it’s all Gigi’s decision, and not that blond lady who is constantly fawning over her stacks of magazine covers. Bella is described as a flapping, edgy bird, and as we cut to her sell-it-baby head shot, we are told that both of the girls are like a more lemony version of the always perfect Yolanda. YAWN.
We jump over to Pump for Lisa’s birthday dinner, and Kyle is overjoyed to be back, posing for gut sucking photos with Queen Lisa. We hear the story of Kyle and Mauricio’s, and Lisa and Harry’s first meetings, and lots of married and engaged people were involved. Harry arrives and drops a sweet gift on Lisa, just before they top off the evening by rushing home to watch porn.
Over at Brandi’s place, she is hammering giant screws into her new walls to hang up her book trophies. She shares that her ex husband Eddie is going after past alimony and child support, and we are treated to a timed and snoozy convo with her lawyer. Brandi wants to save for college and not pay for attorneys, and after all, it’s not healthy for her boys to watch hunky movers relocate her stripper pole every year.
Kyle and Mauricio are shopping with Portia, and the display is weird and a tad nauseating. They’re going on a family cruise in the most prestigious ocean, and about a dozen new showy ensembles is an absolute holiday must for any prominent six year old. The couple giggles about their extremely obnoxious but adorably pricey choices, watch Portia model, stomp her feet, and bawl in the dressing room. Mauricio just loves to let his darling little whippersnapper shop for anything she wants, but Kyle refuses to raise a brat, and draws the line at spending a paltry $600.
Bella and Yo are having lunch, and they banter about their manicures and Bella’s bright future. Bella’s dad, Mohamed, thinks school is the most important endeavor, but Yo believes that Bella should quit being a fluttering rebel and a passive aggressive, hard shove into the modeling world is just what she needs. Yo is so excited about Bella’s upcoming career, which seems completely disconnected from her education, and it’s eerily like watching a dutch Kris Jenner.
The shopping blitz continues, as we arrive at a bridal boutique to shop for Kim’s daughter Brooke’s wedding dress. Kyle mimics her daughter and acts peeved that she isn’t in the wedding, and won’t be able to wave her credit card around and outspend everyone. It’s a happy day because at least Kim is acting sober, and there is no need to bellow to the world that she’s a stinking drunk. Sister Kathy shows up, and busts up the family fun by almost gagging at the first dress Brooke shows the family. We discover that Brooke’s dad, Monty has lung cancer and is weathering his treatment at Kim’s house, which Kyle thinks will be very ‘challenging’ for Kim to endure. Yes…’challenging’ indeed.
Yo is torching her roots with bleach, and reveals that she is heading to Holland to take care of her cancer stricken mom. The moment is unusually sweet, and full of genuine emotion. We also get a glimpse of Yolanda’s massive beige sweater and white jeans collection, as the year of the Bravo closets marches on. Yolanda and King David always fly private, and as we take in the sheer extravagance of their luxury plane, I am beginning to yearn for just a smidge of upper middle class, just to make things more colorful.
It’s time for a breezy lunch date between the two newest housewives, Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson. They chat about their mutual soap opera careers, and the scene is jazzed up with a fun 80s hair flashback. Daytime soap stars certainly seem like a perfect fit for this show….fingers crossed that Bravo ‘reality’ won’t be past their melodramatic ranges. Eileen thinks public attention is only cool when she’s in the mood, Lisa hustles night and day for the same attention, and they both agree that getting high off iced tea is fun.
Brandi and Kyle are going for a hike, and Kyle becomes even more mundane, by veering from blathering about her cash, to yammering about her weight. They awkwardly hike while trying to stand the site of each other, and chitchat about nothing worth listening to. A ridiculous scene is launched, where Lisa is discussed, and a ‘surprise’ phone call is planned. Ken is gardening, and it’s cute, but Lisa tells him to cut the peasant nonsense just in time to catch the obviously expected call from Brandi. Brandi greets Lisa while struggling not to laugh at the sheer fakery of the performance, and it’s like watching a high school duo giggle over a prank call. Brandi is still in that positive, yet still unseen, happy place, and the only thing she misses is pretending to be classy while polishing diamonds with Lisa. Lisa reminds us that she and Ken went to the mat to defend Brandi, and that slutty betrayers are as out as last year’s bedazzled blouse cuffs. I think that Brandi’s corrupt devotion is a glaring Cedric flashback, especially for Ken, and that crushing blow is simply not happening again at Vanderpump Central. Brandi bleats for the millionth time that Lisa thinks she’s perfect, and won’t say she’s sorry for not allowing Brandi to elbow her off her pink bedazzled throne last season. Brandi refuses to kiss Lisa’s ass, or hike with a charged phone, and WHOOPSIE…the phone dies. After a brief intermission, Act 2 begins, as Brandi calls her back on Kyle’s phone.
This brings a shocked expression from Kyle, when Lisa cracks that tricky caller ID code, and realizes that Kyle has been cast in a supporting role. Lisa believes that Kyle and Brandi’s hike productions always bring evil, and we flash back to that first episode lunch where Lisa and Kyle pinky swore that they would never gossip about each other with anyone who warm weather hikes in a ski cap. Oh well…I never believed it anyway! See you next week!