I am a happy reality world camper, because the seedy shadows of New Jersey are fading away, and the land of the broke acting rich, and the rich, sissy firemen acting broke, is long behind me.
The premiere of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” has arrived, and my first thought is…YES! Bring on the mannequin faces, ritzy homes, parties, glamour, and the REAL cash! But my excitement drops like a canyon rock when I click on the show, because it looks as though my DVR has picked up a repeat. The opening vibe is Groundhog Dayish, because Kyle is again at work on the highlighted EVERY season, white party. The event has apparently morphed into the most coveted colorless affair in town, and simply everyone who’s anyone wants to shop for that ultimate boring white outfit that looks mega fierce on camera, especially when splotched with residue from a drunkenly plopped, Fatburger chunk.
Kyle and Lisa are….you guessed it…not in a good place. They’re both hurt, but their friendship is super worth fixing, especially since the sixth try could be the charm, and they have to film together anyway. Brandi is visiting Yolanda, and we are graced with a majestic glimpse of King David working on his latest masterpiece. Yo and Brandi prance around like awkward, middle aged gazelles, and the display is cringe worthy. Brandi thinks that Yo is the perfect woman, and Yolanda proves it, by lovingly allowing a sundress vendor part time snoozing rights on a private Foster curb, then ups the perfection ante by ramming her toes exquisitely into some wet sand. Gigi is killing it as a standout and pretty darn naked model, and Yo has mercifully snipped off her ratty, ode to Poison, clip on hair. Brandi is on rinse and repeat, by sharing that she has moved into yet another rental, and has a third book deal. She assures us that this season will be 100% positive, and vows that ALL rogue tampon strings will remain hidden, especially when she’s semi sober. She slips in that Lisa is still the worst friend imaginable, but only in the most intensely positive way. Yolanda perfectly states that happy days need to occur in a conscious state.
We hang with Lisa for a few, relive the horrible way she was treated last season, and then watch Kyle, with a first episode spring in her step, breezily arrive to meet Lisa for lunch, presumably to resume exactly where the duo left off, at the conclusion of part 7 of last year’s reunion. Pleasantries are exchanged, and they agree that they want to move forward, and past the bitchiness. Two seconds later, we flash to Kyle acting like a bitch in her talking head, while staying plunked in her same, worn out, needy spot, whining that Lisa never admits wrongdoing. She just wants the funny, beautiful, and smart Lisa back because apparently Lisa was quite the opposite of those last season. The broken record continues when she complains that her feelings were hurt during the reunion, part 7, even worse than during parts 1-6. They agree to not talk behind each other’s backs, and definitely not before they leave the restaurant.
Time for some fresh material, as we get our first glimpse of new housewife, Lisa Rinna. She and Kyle became pals and bonded during spinning class and while they actually paid someone to teach their kids how to be be spiritual. Lisa is famous for her massive lips, soap operas, Broadway, and her adorable husband, Harry Hamlin. We meet their teenage daughters, who are skilled at triggering their mom to thinking she’s on acid. We see cute Harry, and Lisa explains that she has set up the household dynamic centered around Harry being king, and it’s actually kinda annoying. I think I am a Lisa fan, and I hope that she rubs off on perfect Yolanda.
Back at white party central, Kyle rambles on about the sheer epic magnitude of her white party. I wish she and Mauricio would sign up for a Spirituality for Self Absorbed Adults class, and get over themselves. We shoot over to my favorite spot in Beverly Hills, and that is the gorgeous closet of Lisa Vanderpump. Hubby Ken is sick of eating FatBurgers in his white tennis shorts every year, and is clearly over these Housewife ninnies. We jump to sweaty Brandi, and her clip in hair chunks, getting ready in her condo, which is temporary, but loving, due to the fact that she sleeps with her children. Didn’t we learn earlier that her oldest is going into Jr High #getreadyforpuberty? She continues the snoozy rerun, by expressing that she wants to be friends again with the very much over her, Ken and Lisa.
The party of the century is kicking off, and a mishmash of sequined performers parade in, and an array of white clothes filled with plastic people, begin arriving. We greet a puffy cheeked Camille Grammer, Taylor Armstrong, and Adrienne Maloof, along with her current boy toy. We flash back to the good times and the bad, earlier in the franchise, and it makes me miss the good old days of hidden crutches, and that evil, crazy Camille. Brandi shows up with her signature, self absorbed anxiety, because she has to face all of the women that she has drunkenly screeched STFU to. Yolanda has accepted that Lisa is someone who never says she’s sorry, and has chosen to give up trying to be Queen, simply ages ago. Excuse me…sorry for WHAT? They all embrace like they are blood sisters, and gasp over the whiteness of their dresses.
Brandi feels frozen out, and blames Lisa for leading the pack, by standing in a sorta goddess like way, in an especially haughty spot. Brandi keeps the positive rolling, and nastily accuses Lisa of elderly eye rolling. Wait..what’s wrong with that? We meet Adrienne’s boyfriend, and Lisa is happy about the match up, because at least Adrienne isn’t a moody old cow, clopping around on her Maloof Hoofs anymore. Kim arrives, and sharply comments that she can’t remember if the conflict is behind her or in front of her. No surprise.
Lisa and Harry make an appearance, and Lisa reflects fondly back on the special moment that she discovered that Lisa V is filthy rich. The party backdrop is sprinkled with mermaids, fire dancers, pool ball rollers, and girls randomly posing for no apparent reason.
Brandi reminds us that she is acting just like a grown up, but is still addicted to petty teenage BS. We end the night with all of the women jumping around like aging solid white dancers on the disco floor, and then saying good night. Brandi reminds us once more, that Lisa never forgives, andLisa explains that she is at peace with the friend that she was to Brandi. This illustrious event was presented to remind us all of the obvious growth, maturing and the simple prioritizing that comes with age, of this lovely and generous group of women. The white symbolizes new hearts, purified by the wisdom that comes with life experiences and going through trials that make you realize that our time on Earth is too precious for petty backbiting.
OK…I don’t believe it either! See you next week!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.